I like to think i'm not vain about my appearance. I like to think of myself as so very *not* high maintenance. Mostly though - that's a defense i've developed over years of believing that there really just wasn't any point to that kind of vanity for me. Looks were not my gift when the gifts were being doled out. There isn't much that can be done about it - so why fight it.
My husband is either a very unique man or a very, very good liar. He insists he thinks i'm beautiful, he says he doesn't want high maintenance, he thinks i'm wrong about myself. I stopped arguing, we maybe agree to disagree. I believe he sees what he says, i just don't see it.
Yesterday that came crashing in on itself.
I have a small something on my lip - no one know's what it is - so it has to come off. And it will leave a scar. My skin scars, badly. And for some reason, this has me completely crushed. I am upset all out of proportion and can't even talk about it with him. He's at a loss and has no idea what to say.
I have plenty of other blemishes and imperfections: my skin is hardly milky or porcelain. If it were going to be a flaw on something flawless - I would understand being upset. As it is, it will just fit right in. I know damn well that this is s stupid thing to be upset about at all. My health isn't threatened and it's really a very small thing.
I don't understand my response to this and i don't really care for it - it does make me feel vain and i really thought i could do without that.
I don't know what the other flaws are, but maybe this one is bothering you more because it's not just there already. With this one you know ahead of time that you have to go have something done that will cause it?
ReplyDeletet1klish,
DeleteI think that may be part of it - it's silly anyhow, and i shouldn't be upset.
I like to think it's not vanity to care about your looks just a bit. 'Cuz I like to think mine doesn't matter much to me...Then I get another, what the dermatologist tells me with deep fascination are spontaneous keloids that he's "never seen in someone with such light skin!"
ReplyDeleteI think that just about everything that happens to my skin leaves a scar. So I get it. I think we get used to our little flaws and accept them as part of us. Then another one appears and it's not so easy to accept. Especially when we have to make the choice to create it.
I like to think my scars add character lol. A flawless canvas is only that way because it's empty and hasn't been painted right? The powers that be just get a little carried away with the brushes sometimes.
lil,
DeleteI got the olive Irish skin - so yes - life leaves marks without even trying. I've not had keloids happen spontaneously though. That would be disconcerting. I like your image of a painted canvas - thanks.
greengirl,
ReplyDeleteI think you are being too hard on yourself. I think everyone is a little bit vain. It is part of our pride in ourselves and leads us to take care of ourselves (shower, stay in shape, etc) I don't see it as a bad thing in moderation.
I had a mole removed from my face at one point and I was so upset about it. But then I got used to my face without it and I am ok now with it. See how you feel about it once you have a chance to get accustomed to seeing yourself in this new way.
Sss,
DeleteI have I suppose an uneasy and not perfectly functional relationship with my looks - so yes - taking care of myself is important, but i'm not so good at the rest. In the end - i will need to have it done - so it will happen and i will have to get used to it.
I am sorry to hear about your difficulty. Being a little vain in a good thing and I doubt you will take it to extremes. It is okay to be a little sad and a little mad and then this will pass. Hopefully in the future though you will be able to hear what your husband says and accept it for what is, he loves you and to him you are indeed beautiful and I think that is beautiful.
ReplyDeleteSir J,
Deletethank you - i think that is the part that has taken me aback - this shouldn't be a difficulty - it should be a nothing that comes and goes. And My husband would like it very much if i could accept what he says in this way.
I'm glad to hear that it's not something more serious. I don't think it is a stupid thing to be upset about at all. I've known women who are very old and wrinkly be upset about similar things. Its a big deal to have your body messed with, whether you are vain or not. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteSerenity,
DeleteThank you.
Oh, Darlin Gg, It doesn't matter why, it just is. It's ok. Just makes you human. I'm sorry you're having to go through this.
ReplyDeletehugs,
aisha
aisha,
DeleteYou mean i'm stuck being human too - on top of everything else ;) ???
I think vain or not, it's still natural too feel the way you do. I have no brilliant advice........ just wanted to let you know I have read, and understood.
ReplyDeleteDee X
Dee,
DeleteThank you - I was more upset by my response than the actual fact - if that makes any sense.
gg: I understand it might leave a scar but it may not. I had a sort of sun spot taken off my cheek a year or more ago and even though I have pale skin it healed completely. I'd get more advice about the scarring issue and see what can be done about it. In my case, he sliced it off and I wore a bandage for a few weeks and was given a creme to apply every day. I strongly suspect it won't be nearly as bad as you imagine.
ReplyDeleteVesta,
ReplyDeletethank you. I have never worried about my incredibly hypertrophic skin previously, but this time i will see what options are available.
gg, You are short changing yourself in the looks department
ReplyDeleteHugs,
From someone who knows
Ally,
DeleteThat is very nice of you to say. Thank you.