Sunday, April 15, 2012

Submitting to the reality

The hard parts about this thing are not at all what i imagined they would be.  Or at least, at this stage they aren't.

The hard part for me right now is doing it all his way.  Yes - you could reasonably accuse me of being a little slow at catching on to the whole point of the whole thing.  Nevertheless....

He has in mind how he intends to do things, how he intends to be, what he will or won't do, etc...  Oddly though - he hasn't shared the playbook with me.  He expects me to pick it up as i go along - by - you know - listening and following and paying attention.

And i keep getting caught out guessing and assuming, and doing things my way.

For example...
I often do want him to overpower me, conquer me,  make me stop whatever i'm doing, or force me to do whatever i'm supposed to, or just generally save me from myself.

There are many moments in which i can imagine how lovely it would be to have him sweep in, set me to rights some very strict way, wrap me all up in His dominance, and then set me back on my feet to go off to face the world again.  In fact, i can imagine getting used to having that done for me several times a day.

But he never does.  At least not the way i expect, the way i think i want, ok - the way i think he should...

Instead, he sits quietly (figuratively or literally) and waits.  He waits patiently, but it's not a warm, fuzzy patience; it's a rather chilly, stern patience.  He makes it clear what he wants, then just ignores my silly carrying on.  I know, and he knows, that i will come around.  I will stop and turn to him the way he wants - eventually.

Later, after I've come to him the way he wanted me to, he makes it clear that he didn't appreciate the carrying on and feet dragging.  He is very good at demonstrating his disappointment in ways that are crystal clear, yet could not be mis-construed as the type of punishment or show of force i was hoping for in the first place.   And - really - next time around, i don't bother with the game.

Often, this happens over small things, and is fairly lighthearted.  Big things i seem to have enough sense not to push on this way.  But, sometimes the seemingly trivial things are only that on the surface.  Sometimes there is an awful lot of meaning and sub-context.  Sometimes it feels as if the weight of our entire relationship is wrapped up in one insubstantial exchange.  In some ways, it is:  i'm testing him, i know this as i'm doing it, i'm trying to prod him into responding the way i want him to, and he is making his wishes quite clear.  

In that moment, it feels for all the world as if it just doesn't matter whether i listen to him or not, like he isn't at all interested in what i do or don't do, and just doesn't care enough to make me do what he wants.   Clearly, I'm not too bright 'in the moment'.  It's not about him making me do things, it's about me submitting to him. And, oddly enough, every time i finally do just that -  everything falls back into place and feels right again.


  1. As always, you give me lots to think about. Thank you.

    Now I have to go away and think about it, so this is not even an interesting comment. Sorry. :-) But the thoughts you share ~ and the feelings that they touch in me sometimes ~ roll around in my head for days.


    1. aisha,
      likewise - your posts make me think, it's a good thing for me.

  2. Again, not really my purview, but...
    It may be what you dream of but would you actually want him sweeping in, taking charge, sorting it out, dusting off his hands, and walking away?

    Speaking for myself, (and, I suspect, at least one of two others out there) there would be an amazing amount of resentment in my head if I were *made* to do things. And resentment leads to ugly situations. So in a very real way, what he is actually doing is to not let you pick a fight.
    The grace is in your compliance, not his dominance.

    Of course, if it were that easy, none of us would be blogging...

    :end of statement of the obvious:

    1. Jz,
      well - like i said - i'm not too bright in the moment. Your point is dead on - so thank you. And i love the line about compliance.

  3. this resounded with me

    I often think I want one thing
    and he decides I need something else

    and when I fight it
    I am unhappy
    and when I lean in
    and let go



    I find peace

    and ditto to JZ's -- if it were easy....


    1. sfp,
      thank you. i do wonder why i can't remember in the moment that i always feel better once i submit - why don't i just skip ahead to the good part?

  4. This is such a brilliant post.
    I can so totally relate.

    1. His Girl,
      Thank you - maybe a good post - i'm not such a brilliant girl sometimes...

  5. Green girl,

    Honestly, mouse has had more of those moments than she cares to recall or even admit. And yes, Omega does wait for mouse to catch up, catch her breath...then he starts heading to the next level...

    The level mouse wishes sometimes he'd go is different...but it's not mouse's choice...

    Ya, heel dragging is something mouse is very familiar with.


    1. mouse,
      I think Jz is so right - if it were easy - well - it wouldn't be so special either. Thanks.