The hard parts about this thing are not at all what i imagined they would be. Or at least, at this stage they aren't.
The hard part for me right now is doing it all his way. Yes - you could reasonably accuse me of being a little slow at catching on to the whole point of the whole thing. Nevertheless....
He has in mind how he intends to do things, how he intends to be, what he will or won't do, etc... Oddly though - he hasn't shared the playbook with me. He expects me to pick it up as i go along - by - you know - listening and following and paying attention.
And i keep getting caught out guessing and assuming, and doing things my way.
I often do want him to overpower me, conquer me, make me stop whatever i'm doing, or force me to do whatever i'm supposed to, or just generally save me from myself.
There are many moments in which i can imagine how lovely it would be to have him sweep in, set me to rights some very strict way, wrap me all up in His dominance, and then set me back on my feet to go off to face the world again. In fact, i can imagine getting used to having that done for me several times a day.
But he never does. At least not the way i expect, the way i think i want, ok - the way i think he should...
Instead, he sits quietly (figuratively or literally) and waits. He waits patiently, but it's not a warm, fuzzy patience; it's a rather chilly, stern patience. He makes it clear what he wants, then just ignores my silly carrying on. I know, and he knows, that i will come around. I will stop and turn to him the way he wants - eventually.
Later, after I've come to him the way he wanted me to, he makes it clear that he didn't appreciate the carrying on and feet dragging. He is very good at demonstrating his disappointment in ways that are crystal clear, yet could not be mis-construed as the type of punishment or show of force i was hoping for in the first place. And - really - next time around, i don't bother with the game.
Often, this happens over small things, and is fairly lighthearted. Big things i seem to have enough sense not to push on this way. But, sometimes the seemingly trivial things are only that on the surface. Sometimes there is an awful lot of meaning and sub-context. Sometimes it feels as if the weight of our entire relationship is wrapped up in one insubstantial exchange. In some ways, it is: i'm testing him, i know this as i'm doing it, i'm trying to prod him into responding the way i want him to, and he is making his wishes quite clear.
In that moment, it feels for all the world as if it just doesn't matter whether i listen to him or not, like he isn't at all interested in what i do or don't do, and just doesn't care enough to make me do what he wants. Clearly, I'm not too bright 'in the moment'. It's not about him making me do things, it's about me submitting to him. And, oddly enough, every time i finally do just that - everything falls back into place and feels right again.