Open

No kids, him actually home many of the nights...  This past week could have been one long wild and crazy sex, sex, sex party.  I could have been naked or bound or in a cute apron and heels and nothing else.  He could have beaten me and used me morning, noon and night, non-stop.... 


Except that he couldn't: we both have jobs that have each taken a turn for the challenging lately, and the dog needs to be walked, and we have social obligations, and lots of open windows and neighbors who really don't want to see all of us, and - well - you get the idea.  


So - not a week long scene of B or D or S or M or even sex, sex, sex, although there was some of all of that, and it was nice......


But it was a week of working on open (specifically me working on being open).  I honestly hadn't realized how not-open i quite often really am. 


So - while i wasn't fully naked the whole week, my bottom half was to be constantly and completely unobstructed and uncovered when in the house.  Open access and open view for him, some serious mental discomfort and self consciousness for me - although his demonstrations of his appreciation of my bottom half were very encouraging.  


He worked on my being open to him - all of me - in whatever way he wanted, not in whatever way i do or don't prefer.  Waiting in his position, open and exposed - i do like that, and as much as it makes me feel vulnerable, self conscious, and maybe apprehensive - it is submissive and i know he appreciates it, so i want to offer that.  


On the other hand - i really dislike being played with, fondled, groped - whatever - when it's just an idle passing thing.  It feels to me like i'm just something for him to fidget with when he has nothing else to do with his hands.  It feels like he is not interested in me, just bored.   I tense up and cringe away and roll my eyes and sigh loudly. He worked on that, worked on me understanding that he wants me to be open to him playing with me in whatever way his mood takes him, that i am his plaything in whatever form.  I will keep working on this.


There was also work on my being open to him making decisions, my letting go of my expectations and learning to embrace and appreciate what he lays out. And there was work on my doing what he asks, and doing it graciously.  


For a week that i had hoped could be a bit vacationy for us - i've used the word 'work' a lot in talking about it.  But, maybe not so surprisingly, this week has helped me feel more secure, more grounded, and more confident in him, in myself, in us.  








And....  you know how there are those verses, lines, poems, etc that you always remembered from childhood?  For some reason, this particular poem has been with me since i was 8 or 9, I have no idea why this one, but it turns out part of it fits, hopefully not all of it though.    I'll be back in a few weeks.

I give you now Professor Twist, A conscientious scientist, Trustees exclaimed, "He never bungles!" And sent him off to distant jungles. Camped on a tropic riverside, One day he missed his loving bride. She had, the guide informed him later, Been eaten by an alligator. Professor Twist could not but smile. "You mean," he said, "a crocodile."                                                Ogden Nash