Saturday, August 25, 2012

funny quirk

I have a funny quirk (well, one of many really)....

When things are going well - i get quiet. I mean going well in my relationship with my husband, in my feeling connected, controlled, contained and taken-on-adventures.  When all that is going well, i get quiet here in my blog, maybe blogland in general.  I have a feeling of having nothing to say.  Words just won't come to me.

I'm a bit the opposite in real life - when i am sad, or worried, distracted or distressed, i very much draw into myself and communicate far less than typical.   When i am at ease, content, fairly happy overall, i am more open and demonstrative.

Until i started blogging, i was never one to poke and prod at my feelings; i never really examined them very much - i would see them, sort them, file them away and move on.  TTWD was so different from anything else, and for me it required that i understand what i was doing and feeling.  The writing out of blogging helped with figuring out what I was feeling, make sense of my responses, see how to accept the huge and often frightening emotions. It helped me process.

Somehow though i am reluctant to process the good feelings.  Somehow the good feelings are not as huge, or at least not as looming. The sense of calm and joy and security is deep and pervasive and very welcome, and i feel not at all compelled to dissect it or even to try to describe it.

On a certain level this is probably just alright.  Why mess with a good thing?  Accept it and be grateful...  I do and i am. Also -  there is certainly an element of feeling like i shouldn't try to peek at the man behind the curtain.  It's good so it's not my place to question it, to question him.

On the other hand, if it is useful to examine the negative in order to learn how to avoid it, maybe it could be useful to examine the positive to learn how to maintain it.  And why would it be any more or less acceptable for me to try to figure out the good than the bad.  If it's truly my role to accept without question, that should be across the board.  I don't think either of us believes that is my role.

So - things have been good lately - very good.  Our connection feels tight, his ownership of me feels stable and solid and consistent.  He is pushing on a number of fronts, some of them surprising to me, things i didn't think were at all important to him, or even noticed.  He is expecting things and doing things that close in the boundaries for me, that drive home his position and keep me more in a submissive state of mind.

He is expanding - i'm not sure how to convey what i mean really.  He is expanding his dominance - it is coming into focus and strengthening, and i get the impression he feels very right with it, that it feels right and good to him.  And that makes all the difference in the world to me.



20 comments:

  1. I think you're not alone in the funny quirk - and there is much to be said for "If it ain't broke, don't fix it."

    But I am sometimes struck by how we love to stir up the queasy, uneasy, depressing feelings and then kind of wallow in them -- but we won't touch the things that make us smile and grins and feel satisfied to the bottom of our souls. Theoretically, those really should be the things we want to wallow in, no?

    I've always sort of figured it's a form of superstition - at least for me.
    But still, it shouldn't be bad to wallow in happiness, either...

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    1. Jz,
      That was part of my though process here - i do think we amplify and prolong the negative by stirring it and wallowing in it - yet somehow it doesn't feel right or proper to revel in the good stuff. But we should want to amplify and prolong that.

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  2. greengirl--Oh yes! I can so relate, that is why my blog was pretty much empty this week.
    When everything is good and I feel aligned with my husband and ttwd feels so right, I become quiet, too. I thought about that a lot this week and I think one of the reasons is, I'm just not rillied up enough to write, its like a huge blanket of submissive-ness is covering my mind.
    Lovely to hear things are good in your corner :o) That deepened feeling of the connection is so wonderful.

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    1. Bleuame,
      I love that expression, "A huge blanket of submissiveness" covering your mind. That is a perfect description. And thank you.

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  3. Hi greengirl
    I am just like you too, blog and journal when I am mulling over something negative, and can't think of a word to say when things are going well.

    It makes me wonder, if I give the negative all this extra attention, am I really just making more of it than it is? If I keep concentrating on it, and dissecting it, and over analyzing, is that WHY it looms the way it does?

    So why do we process negative emotions differently than the positive?

    Hmmm..more to ponder today, lol.

    Thanks for the great post!
    stumblingchi :-)

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    1. stumblingchi,
      I absolutely think that I do feed the negative by focusing on it so much, somewhere there has to be a balance point between figuring out how to turn things around - vs feeding into them. Thanks.

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  4. Sounds like life is good for you guys, greengirl. I'm happy for you!

    FYI, I'm exactly the opposite when it comes to blogging. When times are tough, I find it very difficult to write. When times are good, the words and ideas simply flow...

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    1. Jake,
      I think that is probably a very good and useful thing - that you can focus on the positive and not dwell on the negative.

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  5. I think it's very important for you to write about these good times. You are obviously doing something or things very right and we could all learn from your example.

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    1. Serenity,
      thank you, that is nice of you to say. Maybe that's part of it though- i'm not sure i feel like i'm doing anything "right" - just that things happened to align well recently - luck, cycles - whatever you want to call it. Somehow it feels like crowing about something that i shouldn't take credit for.

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  6. I find the opposite. I loathe blogging when my world is not going well. I don't want to feed any more energy into it than it already gets by my trying to work through it.
    Plus, when I'm on cloud 9 (or thereabouts, I realize happy is a fleeting moment; content and fulfilled is more what I'm striving for) I want to shout it from the rooftops. So my writing tends to find me only loquacious when things are good. When things are not so much in a happy place, I have to force myself to write so that I don't get into a rut and out of the habit.

    Plus, contentment, happiness is infectious. I'm so happy to hear what a great place you're in.

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    1. this girl,
      thank you. I think - like Jake - that has to be a good and very helpful trait - to be able to revel in the positive and move more quickly out of the negative.

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  7. I'm glad you feel so settled, and in such a good place! I too often find it difficult to know what to write about when there is no emotional pressure within. Sara

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    1. Sara,
      Thank you. That is it though - i feel no emotional pressure when things are good - and i'm not a natural writer so i need that pressure.

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  8. I'm so glad that you're happy. And I totally know what you mean about blogging when you're having a hard time and not when things are going well - it's like poetry - i wrote terrific poetry in my most angst ridden days... When I was happy, not so much.

    But I'm super glad things are going well. And delighted that you stopped by to tell us.

    aisha

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    1. Aisha,
      It is funny how the words flow when I'm upset. And I think it's really interesting that some people are the opposite. Thank you for the encouragement.

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  9. Sometimes, after M and I have had a playdate...I don't want to blog about it...usually because it is so good...i...(looks around furtively)...I want to hoard it all to myself. *nodding* Yup. I'm a feel-good-emotion-hoarder.

    But then He'll say to me "nilla, what about XYZ...? I think that's bloggable, don't you?" And I sit down to write about it...and it just pours out of me.

    And sometimes sharing the darker emotions helps us because readers chime in and say "oh, me too...yes that happens to me..." and it helps push away that feeling of isolation and "I'm the only one who ever felt that way"...goes away.

    Troubles shared are halved, right? :)

    nilla

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    1. Nilla,
      I think it is so cool that your M suggests blog material. I imagine that helps with the perspective - seeing the good stuff out there too, remembering it. Plus the feeling of him watching... It's funny, people are very helpful and encouraging with questions and anxious or distressed posts. I at least find it harder to respond to peoples' joyful posts without feeling trite. Thank you so much for stopping by.

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  10. I too don't often write when things are going well. Sometimes I worry that it makes it seem like things are bad for us all the time, but then I remember the blog is for me and if that's when it feels good to write that's when I should write.

    I am glad you wrote today, it's noce to hear about the good times.

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  11. db,
    Thank you and you are right - sometimes i need to remind myself that this is for whatever i need it to be.

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