It's been raining here all night and into this morning, a hard steady rain. Literally overnight, everything has gone from parched, brown, withered and distressed to lush, green and bright. I can feel a little piece of my being relax and take a very deep breath for the first time in months. It has been an alarmingly dry summer here, just as it has across a huge portion of the country.
There is something about my soul that is tied to where i grew up - rolling hills, lush valleys, ancient moss covered rock, and rain, water, a moistness even through the hottest part of summer. I experience an underlying uneasiness whenever i'm in an arid climate, and especially if the arid climate moves into my space.
This morning feels like a return to "as it should be," on a very subtle but very deep level, after a long time of "not quite right."
I had a discussion with someone online a short time after starting on this D/s road. At the time I was wondering what had kept us from always being aligned this way. There were so many things i can and others did, point to that were his dominance and my submission, that had been all along. We just didn't recognize or even look for any kind of pattern; we were just whatever we were.
This person and i were discussing specifically my husband feeling right about intervening//intruding in my life - in how i am, how i might improve, where i should work on things. But also learning, discovering, and accomplishing a woman's (my) hidden desires. And also - how a (woman) is open to or disallows such a thing.
Probably, i'm pretty certain, that had you asked me 5 yrs ago, 10 years ago, if we were open to each other, if we turned to each other for help, direction, if we truly devoted ourselves to each other - we both would have insisted we were and did. But if you had asked me about specifics, or shown me how it feels to recognize my instincts in a situation, but then consciously choose his way, or made me see what it really means to factor his happiness first, or at least try to even if it takes a lot of effort... I'm sure i would have said no thanks, not interested, that can't possibly be the right way for me.
And, And... there's no way i could have believed i had hidden desires: spanked, caned, pushed around, tied down, taunted, hurt, forced to my knees in the shower and peed on, in a word - dominated... that's the direction you think my desires lie? No f&#*ing way. Never. No how.
It is a piece of my being. It is sometimes hard, often inconvenient. At times i would, if allowed, choose to opt out for a bit and come back to it later (like a raincheck). But it does seem to be the "as it should be."