Saturday, September 8, 2012

rainy morning

It's been raining here all night and into this morning, a hard steady rain.  Literally overnight, everything has gone from parched, brown, withered and distressed to lush, green and bright. I can feel a little piece of my being relax and take a very deep breath for the first time in months.  It has been an alarmingly dry summer here, just as it has across a huge portion of the country.

There is something about my soul that is tied to where i grew up - rolling hills, lush valleys, ancient moss covered rock, and rain, water, a moistness even through the hottest part of summer.  I experience an underlying uneasiness whenever i'm in an arid climate, and especially if the arid climate moves into my space.

This morning feels like a return to "as it should be," on a very subtle but very deep level, after a long time of "not quite right."

I had a discussion with someone online a short time after starting on this D/s road.  At the time I was wondering what had kept us from always being aligned this way.  There were so many things i can and others did, point to that were his dominance and my submission, that had been all along.  We just didn't recognize or even look for any kind of pattern; we were just whatever we were.  

This person and i were discussing specifically my husband feeling right about intervening//intruding in my life - in how i am, how i might improve, where i should work on things.  But also learning, discovering, and accomplishing a woman's (my) hidden desires.   And also - how a (woman) is open to or disallows such a thing.

Probably, i'm pretty certain, that had you asked me 5 yrs ago, 10 years ago, if we were open to each other, if we turned to each other for help, direction, if we truly devoted ourselves to each other - we both would have insisted we were and did.  But if you had asked me about specifics, or shown me how it feels to recognize my instincts in a situation, but then consciously choose his way, or made me see what it really means to factor his happiness first, or at least try to even if it takes a lot of effort...  I'm sure i would have said no thanks, not interested, that can't possibly be the right way for me.

And, And... there's no way i could have believed i had hidden desires: spanked, caned, pushed around, tied down, taunted, hurt, forced to my knees in the shower and peed on, in a word - dominated... that's the direction you think my desires lie?  No f&#*ing way.  Never.  No how.

And yet....

It is a piece of my being.  It is sometimes hard, often inconvenient.  At times i would, if allowed, choose to opt out for a bit and come back to it later (like a raincheck).  But it does seem to be the "as it should be."  



12 comments:

  1. green girl, isn't the rain wonderful?

    It is amazing how the little things that we have absolutely no control over can soothe our beings.
    For us, I think its neat to look back and realize how prevelent our D/s dynamic was even before we made a decision..its like we're growing into who we are through the years together.

    I can relate to feeling differently ten years ago; I often think "Oh yes,there's my sixteen year old self shuddering in horror agaain", on a variety of submission related topics :P :o)

    Lovely to hear you have found your "as it should be" once again.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My 16 year old self was so fragile, i can't imagine what the effect would have been. My 26 year old self thought she knew it all, could handle anything - also a dangerous mindset for this type of relationship. At 36 - who knows, maybe... I do believe it is the right thing at the right time. Thank you.

      Delete
  2. It's wet and rainy where I'm at too, and down right chilliy. You can almost smell fall in the air.

    Maybe it was "as it should be" then, 5 or 10 years ago and you have just evolved some to how it is now? I sometimes think that is how it is happening for me. 5 or 10 years ago I did say no to some of the things we are pursuing now. Some of them are scary but yet doing them is so fulfilling and satisfying for me. It sorta feels like I have finally grown in to the woman I was always meant to be, but wasn't ready to be, before now.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I do like fall, it's time now. I marvel at how aware so many other people are or were. I was so very clueless. I agree though - we have to be who we are when we are. thanks.

      Delete
  3. it is funny how things seem to happen just when we need them to, they flow effortlessly into place as if they had always been. It was a bright and sunny and glorious day in my neck of the woods.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm glad you had a day you liked also. And yes - sometimes it's good to se ejust how life falls out the only way it seems it could.

      Delete
  4. "Settled" is a very soothing place to be...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It is - very good - not always exciting - but good. Thanks so much.

      Delete
  5. Your descprition of the weather is very soothing to me. I love fall! Great post.

    ReplyDelete
  6. What a lovely post! Nothing like a rainy day to clear the air and the head.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Thank you - it was a very nice start to the weekend.

    ReplyDelete