Sunday, November 25, 2012

why is sex so important anyhow?


As i'm sitting here - my cunt is twitching and fluttering, my clit is swollen, i'm leaking juice, the slightest touch or movement across my nipples sends shockwaves to my pussy - my abs contract to try to absorb the feelings that have nowhere to go.  Deeper in my psyche, i want to be overtaken, completely stripped of control, tormented, hurt, used in the most base ways.  i long to see that hunger on your face - the look that makes me afraid and draws me in, the look that is you but not you, the look that is you on the edge of your own control

I texted that to him as he was at one son's soccer game and i was getting ready to go to the grocery store.  It had been that way all day.  It started first thing in the morning with him coming all over my chest.  It's a silly thing, but something about him coming on me arouses me insanely.  He painted my breasts and nipples with it and i nearly came with no other touch.  But he left me there.  He left it to dry and be worn all day and me to go through the day on that very high edge. 


I think this was partly him having fun with his toy just cuz he can, partly him re-establishing or reminding us of our dynamic in a very effective (and not too onerous for him) way.  Maybe there was a whole lot more behind it for him - maybe not.  The communication about the feelings and motivations and mental processes about the whole thing are pretty one way here: i am expected to share, he isn't. 

Like i suppose a lot of people, we started with D/s in the bedroom, but honestly, looking back, it was impossible that it would stay there.

Recently a friend of mine was complaining about a thing she had been asking her husband to do for some time, she said she had finally decided to withhold sex until he took care of the task.  I think that is the way i had seen sex fitting into marriage.  I had actually never thought to use it to manipulate him, i think i never gave it even that much weight in my mind.  But it was, for me, a very small, very discreet and separate little component of our whole life. 

But it isn't small, or separate, or discreet (in the "entity unto itself" sense; we do try to keep it discreet in the "out of the public view" sense). 

He has control of my body and its responses.  No matter what bad feelings or negative emotions or rational argument i have against him at any moment, it is impossible for me to deny to him or to myself that i am His.  Even at its most subtle, his reminding me of that fact is incredibly effective at re-orienting me. 

We can't or don't live our roles so overtly day to day; they are there, but not for all the world to see.  Sex is always dominance and submission.  It is where we can establish and reinforce our positions and feed our individual needs for those roles.  It is where the greatest opportunity exists to add other elements: bondage, control, pain, humiliation, containment, to further reinforce and really feed our needs.

For the gentler, more positive spin on it - when we are connected sexually, no matter how subtly, i am more open to him, i listen better, i imagine he is more attuned to me as well.  As a friend put it to me, "It is so much harder to get mad and fight when one is always on a sexual edge, compassion is higher, emotion heavier, empathy stronger... and then everything else is easier - parenting, work, paying the bills..."

It is also a very non-cerebral thing.  All of the good stuff, what i've written about above, happens without my reasoning it out; in fact, it usually happens in spite of my trying to reason around it.  [And yes - i do see the irony of all this navel gazing in order to post about it]

22 comments:

  1. You are so right about the D/s sexual connection extending benefits across so many other areas of a relationship! And I'd agree that it works both ways--both the Dominant and the submissive are much more attuned to each other and communication is greatly improved. This is, IMHO, one of the greatest benefits of D/s in my own marriage, even (possibly) greater than the hot sex...

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    1. Jake,
      Yup - hot sex is definitely good - but the overall improvement in our relationship is priceless. Thanks.

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  2. This is a very nice post -- and you seem to be in a very good place.

    (and I always look at the withholding sex friends like they are aliens from space -- it's sort of strange to me -- as if I can't quite wrap my head around the idea of it -- or it's purpose)

    laughing

    sfp

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    1. sfp,
      Thank you so much. It is a good place. And yea - in all seriousness, i don't think couples with a really healthy relationship resort to bartering for sex that way. This friend and her husband certainly aren't on solid ground. I just keep hoping they each get their heads out of their, well - i hope they wake up and figure something out.

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  3. I am always amazed when this happens to me... I think about how I want to wrote a post, and Poof. Someone else does and does it WAYYY better than I ever could. The D/s dynamic whether solely in the bedroom or in a sort of 24/7 dynamic has such far reaching benefits. It isn't just great sex or even more frequent sex. It binds people together in ways that I, personally have never experienced or heard of in my circle of friends. It creates a level of trust and willingness that just doesn't exist elsewhere, in any form, that I have ever seen.

    Thank you so much GG, for making this a million times easier for me LOL With your permission I'd like to link this post on my blog. You've captured my feelings on this perfectly.

    Also - the coming all over... Me toooo - it's my favourite thing ever. So so hot.

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    1. HLA,
      I do know exactly what you mean. I've had that happen any number of times. I think it's a realization that so many people come to - i know i have again and again: the connection, the intimacy, the relationship is just better. And of course, please link away.
      Thank you

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  4. Sounds like you had a wonderful sub-bliss experience. It's been really hot at out house lately also. Happy spanksgiving to you!

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    1. Serafina,
      It was bliss, if bliss can have an undercurrent of unmet need. And it sounds like it was hot at yoru house - and across the countryside too!

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  5. I can so relate to this post.
    Very excellently put.

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  6. Yes- the subtle reminders - wonderfully put.

    ~faithful

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    1. faithful,
      i like the big reminders too - but soemtimes subtle is all that is possible.
      thank you.

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  7. Wow - I thought this post was going in a different direction from the title (I actually steeled myself a little when I clicked on it), but I love this - yes, we have a good friend that seems to withhold sex as a manipulation tool. That is just not the life I can lead.

    Thank you for this.

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    1. Kitty,
      I didn't think abotu the title being possible read the opposite way - but you're right - it can go either way. I guess it didnt ever occur to me to think about why not sex?!? Thank you.

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  8. Hi, GG. First time commenting here. I like how you described your sexual connection having direct impact on how attuned you are to each other. I, too, never understood the sexual bartering, but I do know that lack of a sex in a relationship, or lack of feeling a sexual connection whether you're having sex or not, can kill it.

    Irishey

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    1. Irishey,
      Welcome. The - dysfunction - for want of a better word - around sex was how and why this all began for us. Maybe that makes it more center stage than it might be for other people - i don't know. For us it really is key though. Thank you for stopping by.

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  9. Beautifully written. i so agree.

    And i think that the navel-gazing afterwards, the ability to put words to it and post about, is part of the process that feeds it.

    aisha

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    1. aisha,
      Thank you. I guess i hadn't thought about all the ruminating as being useful - more like just inevitable for me. It does give Him an idea of what's in my head - and i know that is good.

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  10. GG: Lovely post.
    The connecting through sex, allows us to re-connect time and time again, its like a coming together, a grounding (at least I think so)and I love your observations on how it filters through to the rest of our relationships.

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    1. Bleuame,
      Thank you. It really is all those things. I like that term - grounding.

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  11. That was a very unsoccer mom like text. And really, what kind of a person wears cum to the grocery store!! (Sorry, my inner prude voice just came out.giggles giggles - and I'll admit, I've worn it to family get togethers. )

    This really is a wonderful post Greengirl, and one I very much needed to read! Sex is important and it is all too easy to let it slip to not as high of a priority as it should be.

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    1. Well - yes - yes it was very un-soccer-mom-ish...Don't get me started. I always cross my fingers that no one is sitting on the bleacher directly above him when i hit send on any of those. I guess i learn the important stuff eventually - thank you

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