Being His

How it works, or really, what it means.....for me, for us, my understanding of Us - where we are, for now.

My thoughts are heading about 6 different directions.  Of course part of this line of thought was started by the recent brouhaha. Which led others to discuss what is and is not submissive, or slave for that matter.  And since i tend to read people i agree with, i agreed with, i identified with, actually, i feel in my bones that what i am is His.

His - sums it up - easy to say - and simple - elegantly simple.  But without some thought, "His" provides absolutely no practical guidance.  It sounds lovely, it makes me melt to hear, and i think it has a pretty deep significance for him to know me as His, to know i am His, which makes me very happy also.

One of the biggest things "His" isn't - is just a set of behaviors.  He wants certain behaviors, yes, and certain demeanors, at least - there are demeanors he doesn't want to experience.  And yes - he wants obedience when it comes down to it.   But he wants me thinking and feeling and living and deciding and participating and helping.  He wants me active in all this. He has no time, patience, or desire for dictating or even guiding my every moment.

I think though that he wants me to feel and be, not just act, whatever "His" entails.  And that is where elegantly simple in concept becomes incredibly complex in practice.

And it is where my thoughts head off in so many different directions: other people's definitions of submission or slave, consent, being human, struggling, my needs, having needs, compatibility, what do i believe it is to submit, what does he....

I know all these things have been discussed ad nauseum; in many peoples' minds they've already been decided and the right and wrong of them is clear.  But i am me, and we are us and really - if i'm "His" then by definition - we have to define it for ourselves, (or he has to define it and i accept -there's another interesting question, submissive or not, i do have influence on the dynamic?)

I will likely tackle some of these other ideas someday.  For now - the idea of struggle or resisting is the one that seemed to put people off.  I tend to wonder too much about everything, i even get angsty about my feelings about things.  I had no angst about my feelings on this one.  I often wish i didn't struggle and could submit easily and gracefully and peacefully, but i can't always.  And i don't think that means i am not submissive, although it may be unsubmissive of me in the moment.  But there are, for me, right ways and wrong ways to act on my struggles.

I  have tested and bratted and acted out in the past.  I recognize it now, or i recognize the urge.  It doesn't come from a place of "spoiled little girl wanting to get her way."  It comes from a place of insecurity, feeling unsure of his resolve or interest, feeling at a loss and fearful.  Sometimes that fear and doubt manifest as snark and disrespect, sometimes as a dark mood and pulling away.

The point is though that I do sometimes experience fear and doubt that are very real to me.  Sometimes their root is within me and i need to do the work to move past them.  Sometimes they are in response to changes, doubts, or real struggles he is going through.  Yes - he is not perfect, he is learning and growing and working his way through a human existence also.

To say it bluntly - my struggles don't make me unsubmissive, and his don't make him undominant.

I have, as recently as this week, had a mental storm of thoughts of how unfair it all is, what a huge burden on me; it's my time, my sleep, my work, my focus, and my peace of mind, and did i mention my sleep, being eaten away by life's circumstances.  Not a submissive impulse in sight.  Certainly not a submissive demeanor.  Had i not been alone, there would have been snark and nastiness and a short temper let loose.  Oh, i hide that me at work, and i try to modulate it around friends and usually for my kids, but had He been there, He would have gotten slammed: argument and resistance and attitude and all.

Except that the part of my brain not wrapped up in my little tantrum knew that it was just that.  He has had a hellish week also - worse than mine in reality.  And that non-tantrum, non-overwhelmed part of my self wanted to be able to make some part of his week less hellish for him, wanted to make it better.  That is a submissive impulse.  Of course it's also just basic human decency, caring for the person you love...  Some other day i may try to figure out how being submissive is different from being one part of a loving relationship - or maybe it's not.

I'm coming to see that this journey into submission for me hasn't and isn't going to eradicate my very complex thoughts and emotions, even the not-so-nice ones.  I am going to struggle, even stomp my feet now and then.  On the other hand, I am coming more and more to see that submitting to Him, His way, means taking responsibility for all the parts of me. He wants what is His to work for him, not struggle against him. If i'm not trying, then in fact it isn't submission.