mixed feelings

I suppose most of my posts could have that title - but it is what it is today.

The past few weeks have became increasingly difficult for me. Like most things in life - there are a lot of factors.  I have a lot of things happening very quickly at work, most of them really good and exciting things, but work is work, deadlines are deadlines, and stress is stress even if it's the good kind.

The process of figuring out how to relate with our teenager, who is trying very hard to become his own - very, very complex person - is proving very much more trying than i had imagined it would.  The hard parts just aren't at all the parts i imagined they would be.  

Any time or effort to take care of myself had gone out the window.  Way too little sleep and no exercise, no unwinding, only lots and lots of time spent sitting working, and worrying.

I fell apart. The worst part is that my husband was really, really looking forward to having me with him, to being able to spend some time away with me, to just being with me.  And i couldn't give him that.

He was upset, and disappointed  rightly so.  He has arranged things for me to rest - mentally and physically - this is absolutely what i need.  I can't protest or pretend otherwise.

My mixed feelings are around taking care of me and our roles in that.  Clearly i need to, have a responsibility to, owe it to him to, take care of myself.  I guess there's really no ambiguity in that.  I had let myself get far too overwhelmed, not out of laziness or a belief that it wasn't my responsibility, but purely out of being overwhelmed.

I think i started writing this with mixed feelings - maybe along the lines of it not feeling very submissive to be in charge enough of all the things that were going on to manage them properly.  It felt, in fact very independent and disengaged from him, not just while he was away, but for some weeks before that as well.  I've (mostly) reconciled the duality of submission with him vs. how i am at my best with work and the larger world in general.  This had more to do with our lives and my roles within our lives, turning things over to him, relinquishing control vs. being useful and supportive and enjoyable to him.

But - i think i see that it really is my responsibility, that i need to find a way to maintain my submission to him while managing the stressors outside of him.  He will want me to ask for help when i need it, but he will want me to protect myself as well, to not end up in this state again.