Why am i back?
Needing to close down for awhile actually would have been an opportune moment for me to fade away altogether
I do feel like i wonder less - or at least less desperately - than i used to.
I have less exciting stuff to talk about in general - there just isn't as much shiny and new happening (it's been 4 years at this point - guess it's time to admit we're no longer novices or honeymooners)
Sometimes writing about our relationship feels like it somehow detracts from actually relating - do it, don't just talk about it....
There are no longer lots of drafts sitting in my drafts folder, and the ones that are there are from fairly long ago. I had started to get comfortable with writing only when i felt the urge, when there was something i needed to straighten out in my head. It was good for me to be less focused on needing to have something to write about.
And honestly - once i had a moment to breathe and a few spare brain cells not overloaded with other things - it hit me that it might actually be good for me to walk away - time and mental effort i could probably use elsewhere and all that.
This blog has a strange place for me -
I've missed the inter-activeness, the community, and the friends I've made.
It has been how and where i take apart and look at how i feel about things between me and Him. And i have never in my life been one to take things apart and examine how i feel about them. Quite the opposite in fact.
And i think this is part of why i need to keep this up for the time being. It is, as it turns out, good for me to think about how i feel, to try to understand that side of myself. And in the time i've been unable to blog, even trying to write things in other formats, or to send them just to my husband, wasn't as effective.
I imagine that if i tried, I could learn to work with a different format. I do talk to him, and even write - but i seem to have learned this kind of thinking in this way and it just plain works best this way right now.
And finally - He wants me to continue: he will allow me to stop if i really wish. But he would like me to keep writing here. He likes hearing me. He likes the access to the inside of my head. And he likes my writing (that last one he made me say out loud to him - it took 5 tries - i'm not good at saying nice things about myself).
So i will keep working on the technical issues and hope they are adequate. They are, in reality, like the small lock we have on our toybox: enough to make it clear that there is something we wish to keep hidden, but certainly no real barrier if they really wanted to see inside, the exact combination that makes the thing all that much more enticing to a child. However, they are old enough to know what kinds of things they really don't want to have to know about their parents.
I don't know how long it will take to get our small padlock in place on this blog. In the meantime, i'm inviting readers through blogger's mechanisms. I know this gets to some folks through reader. I don't have everyone's' addresses to invite, so please email me (greengirliam at gmail dot com) if you would like to be invited. This process feels terribly "cliquey high school girl" to me, and i apologize about that. Certainly my hope is to be just there and open soon enough. i just don't know how long that will be.