and this has been a really important thing for me to know
It came out in a conversation with a friend about how i feel about being caned, or more to the point, how i feel when i'm caned.
ME: caning hurts - not a spread out absorbable pain
it is a touch fearful
makes me angry at first
then i break down
and crying seems to be the thing i can do to cope
FRIEND: and after?
ME: if it was enough - depleted and cleansed
if it wasn't enough - maybe still angry or edgy
FRIEND: can he tell?
sometimes he asks if i want more - to keep going
FRIEND: and he leaves you with not enough?
it is a funny thing - like edging towards an orgasm but being denied
it leaves me still submissive feeling - maybe accepting that this is for him not me that has been a bigger component of all this that hadn't been present before
maybe i'm not explaining well
FRIEND: I think you are explaining it very well
me: if i came to him very out of sorts and asked for it
he would and does take me all the wayme crawling into his arms wiped out and depleted is - good, crucial, important for him
But it turns out that his willingness, actually - his desire - to do what and how he wants instead of taking me where i want or need to go - was a subtle but fundamental shift in things for us, for me anyhow. Often he likes what i like and we both end up leaving the interaction/experience happy. I need sometimes to feel that i am being used for his desires alone and that there is some work or some cost to me to provide that for him.