I wish....

My husband is very, very good at compartmentalizing.  He has a work box, a family box, a box for him, one for me, lots and lots of boxes.  He is able to put things in the appropriate box - and then close it and leave them there.

IRL - what this means is that when he comes home from work he can switch to "home" as soon as he walks in the door.  The stress or worries or whatever from work don't impact (read: get taken out on) us.  I have to believe the reverse is true - when he's working, he gives it full attention - not distracted by outside issues or concerns.

[I'm given to believe this is a male trait - true or not - it is not a skill i possess - in any measure at all.]

Yesterday and today he has been cranky.  This is a big deal because it almost never happens.  When there is cause - he gets upset, sometimes very upset, sometimes and with a dire enough reason, he can be frighteningly upset.  But he almost never gets cranky for no reason he can identify.

He is out of sorts, edgy, not himself, and unhappy with himself for being this way.  He can't identify why, so he can't fix it; it just is.  Hmmm - i think i recognize those feelings.  And I've learned to turn to him when those kinds of feelings threaten to become overwhelming, I've learned to accept his help in restoring balance.

This is the i wish part:  I wish he were willing to use me to work through his crankiness-that-is-really-probably-something deeper.  I wish he could have that outlet or that means of relief.  I wish it worked for him the way it does for me (in reverse? from his POV?).  I wish i could serve him that way.

He knows this.  I have offered, i have explained my desire.  He has explained his side - he won't mix those feelings and those needs with anger, or frustration, or even crankiness.  And i have to respect that, whatever i may wish.

So i offer (to my mind) second best:  we have time alone today - a rare enough occurrence - but there will be no play, or really anything.  I expected this would be the case. He will work through this his way and he will let me know what, if anything, he wants from me.  I accept it, no subtle pouting or remarks or little jabs about it, simple acceptance.

block of time

This blog started - a long time ago - as a way for me to communicate to my husband - serious stuff and more random stuff.  He has grown to like it.  Of course we talk - I tell him things directly too.  But this format has worked of both of us:  for me - to write in a slightly more third person (vs. directly to him) way, and for him to read thoughts more fleshed out and thought through than otherwise.  On the other hand - really being true to that purpose means that much of what i write is not so interesting to anyone else, and i sometimes repeat issues that i am still working through in deeper layers. As they say - it is what it is....

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He texted me mid-day today.  A picture of our spanking bench.  He had to uncover it - it's been awhile - for the bench in any case. More than long enough since the two of us have had some truly private time too.

A little back and forth by text

I finally admit that - yes - i do need it - but i'm also afraid - i'm in a dangerous mind space - some big things weighing on me - i know that some - i don't what to call it- play? -  time? - a good beating?- would be very good for me.  But i'm not sure i can do it.

He reassured me - if you can call him telling me that it will be very good for me but is likely to "feel like hell" reassuring.

A little more back and forth - more serious now - and it all comes down to - yes - I trust him.  In the end, I will be fine, he will make sure of that.

But i don't think i've ever told him all the things that run through my mind about this.

Yes - i'm a masochist - but i am still not entirely comfortable with that -  not because i feel deviant or broken or weird - it's because it is something he does for me - a need or a want (depending on the day) of mine that he fulfills.

He shouldn't have to fulfill my needs and wants - that's what i'm supposed to do for him.  Especially sex - the whole idea was that he shouldn't have to work for it, there shouldn't be any quid pro quo - that was the broken part of our marriage previously.

I'm also submissive - not sure about the definitions here- but whatever trait it is that makes me respond so favorably to containment and control - i am that and i do, and sometimes it is very, very good for me and my state of mind.

But he shouldn't have to provide my mental stability -  I hate it when i need help in that.  Reaching things off high shelves, killing bugs, doing our insanely complex taxes each year, all those things and more -  i've gotten comfortable with being his job. Remaining even keel mentally should be my job.

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That's about how far i got with writing, then i had to move on to other things.  Now it is afterwards - there were more things that ran through my head - but i don't remember exactly what now.

Some thoughts now, afterwards,  though....

It was hard for me mentally - but he has gotten very, very good at reading me and at taking me the way he wants me to go

That hook he got - very effective - not overwhelming at first - but tied to my collar with just a little tension - becomes a very heavy, solid, inexorable point of focus, and control.......

I don't understand it - and maybe that's part of the problem - i always want to understand things - he doesn't admit to being at all a sadist, not even really to being dominant - he also really, really shuns labels in that way - so it's a bit complicated.

If he would say, "I am a sadist, your pain/suffering/humiliation is what i want," or, "I am dominant, I want/need to control you/be in charge/lead..."  it would be very simple to reconcile in my mind.

He clearly likes the things he does, beyond just the obvious signs and symptoms of how he responds to inflicting pain and imposing control, beyond the fun and the play - which - btw - i really believe are important also.

It's a little too simple to say that if he didn't like it, he wouldn't do it.  He is the type of person who will give something his full effort, fully engaged and dedicated - even when it's a matter of  "important to do or need to do" vs. "want to do."  And both these blocks of time and this whole dynamic are much more than just the fun parts.  He does an awful lot of work, much of it not his favorite kind of work, deep emotions, girly emotions, tears....

But he also clearly revels in his mastery of me - of my body and of my state of mind - of me in a much, much deeper way than ever before. ["Revels" is the best word i can think of - it feels deeper than enjoyment or liking; it feels like deep satisfaction and appreciation, with exuberance, but inward and personal.]

And there is a submissive me that he wants to bring out, that he wants to be the me that is present more and more: not the lost kitten, not dependent or needy, not even the wanton slut (although she has her place), but quiet-in-her-confidence, clear-headed, listening, attuned to him, at peace and content with us.  I think that is something he sees emerging, he sees his ability to create that, and i believe he wants that a great deal.


And it feels very worthwhile to strive to give him all of that.

Conquered in small ways

Some things have gotten easier and smoother over the past three or four years.

He sees me - really sees me, the good and the bad.  He reads my moods, knows when i am really engaged and when i'm going through the motions, he knows when i'm content and when i'm enthusiastic, and when i'm full of piss and vinegar on the inside and struggling to be civil on the outside.  He can often see why i am in whatever state i am, predict how i will respond to things.

He knows how to pull out the good, how to overcome the resistance, when to just ignore my little snits, when to hold me strictly accountable.  He knows how to hold me with his hand fisted in my hair, to force himself on me when i try to pull away, and how to be aloof and unattainable when i'm flitting around being silly and demanding his attention.  

He knows how to travel from just us, to us as parents, to all that is outside of us but still important to us.

He knows how to bring me back to him, and he knows how to make me want to be with him more than anything else in the world.  And that is the best of all the feelings:  when the resistance or the confusion, the anger, or the worry all just melt and i am back to being just His.  He knows when that moment happens, it is his goal.  

What i started to write was how wonderful it is, and that i just don't know how he manages to know what i need and when, it's like magic.  But that's not honest.  I have learned, am constantly re-learning, how i need to approach and interact with my children, close friends, other family.  Everyone has different needs and ways of being.  We naturally learn the people we care about, or people we don't if it serves our purposes i suppose.  

I do know how he does it, it isn't magic, it's not even a special Master only skill.  I am learning him and how he responds to me as well.  I try not to behave in ways he doesn't like, I try to read his moods and respond in ways he appreciates for that mood or situation, i try to be more the way he likes, even when that is a new way for me.  

So it isn't magic, we each always had this skill to some degree.  Now we use it more, we practice more,  i think he expects more, i cooperate with him more.   

if i step outside

If i step outside of myself and look in - i'm amazed - i guess that's the best word

He called from pretty-far-away and we chatted - work, the kids, things to decide, the weather (warm for the first time in months), life.

Then he asked me if i had  walked yet today.

No - but i have a ton to do.... I really want to keep working

Walk anyhow, now, while it's still nice.

And you know - I did, and it was good for me, it was the right thing for me to do

That i listened to him in that instance is not the amazing part - maybe that i'm committing to paper that he was right is amazing -

But, if i step outside of myself and look in - knowing me and the person i am - it is generally amazing that i do what he tells me, that i still often have an argument in my head, but i do it.  And - you know - that he's most often right.....

changes here

I've been increasingly unhappy with my blog - or maybe with blogging in general.

Part of it is that i am flat out overloaded with other mental energy sucking things.

So I feel distracted, fixed in the concrete instead of the abstract, and just plain tired

But i've been in that place before and it forced  me to be more efficient and more concise, but it didn't kill  my wondering. In fact, having a place to put the wonderings gave me a nice box for their safekeeping  so i could move onto the other things.

busy and tired are not the real issues -


So - more soul searching....
and some brutal honesty with myself....

reveal that i am way too caught up in who reads (or doesn't), what people seem to think of me, or what i imagine they think of me, and generally how i feel i'm being perceived

which feeds the vicious cycle  of then writing because i feel i need to for other people - which frankly makes my writing -  and my thinking - stink.


i'm embarrassed to face that fact actually - it isn't how i went into this; it wasn't any part of the original mission statement; it isn't what i want it to be about -

and it's self generated - if i were getting actual negativity -  comments, or emails, or remarks, or anything- i would let that roll off my back - or just pack my toys and go home

No - this is of my own doing - and it is impacting me negatively in other ways, and it has taken away (I have taken away) what had been a  very good outlet, and a very good communication tool for my husband.

Which i aim to reclaim.

somewhere between Socrates and Elvis

But closer to Elvis these days.

Somewhere between the extremes of, "An unexamined life is not worth living," and "A little less conversation, a little more action please," is the sweet spot for most people.

My personal sweet spot has been moving more towards Elvis recently, whether by necessity or some shift in my psyche - i don't know.

There just isn't as much reflection and metacognitive watching going on in my head, at least not in the realm of my husband and me.  I do think everything has it's place and purpose; certainly learning requires reflection and active participation mentally.

But i also think that there is probably a good deal of practicing i need to do - of just letting go and just doing or just being, more than i do now in any case.