changes here

I've been increasingly unhappy with my blog - or maybe with blogging in general.

Part of it is that i am flat out overloaded with other mental energy sucking things.

So I feel distracted, fixed in the concrete instead of the abstract, and just plain tired

But i've been in that place before and it forced  me to be more efficient and more concise, but it didn't kill  my wondering. In fact, having a place to put the wonderings gave me a nice box for their safekeeping  so i could move onto the other things.

busy and tired are not the real issues -


So - more soul searching....
and some brutal honesty with myself....

reveal that i am way too caught up in who reads (or doesn't), what people seem to think of me, or what i imagine they think of me, and generally how i feel i'm being perceived

which feeds the vicious cycle  of then writing because i feel i need to for other people - which frankly makes my writing -  and my thinking - stink.


i'm embarrassed to face that fact actually - it isn't how i went into this; it wasn't any part of the original mission statement; it isn't what i want it to be about -

and it's self generated - if i were getting actual negativity -  comments, or emails, or remarks, or anything- i would let that roll off my back - or just pack my toys and go home

No - this is of my own doing - and it is impacting me negatively in other ways, and it has taken away (I have taken away) what had been a  very good outlet, and a very good communication tool for my husband.

Which i aim to reclaim.