Saturday, April 20, 2013

block of time

This blog started - a long time ago - as a way for me to communicate to my husband - serious stuff and more random stuff.  He has grown to like it.  Of course we talk - I tell him things directly too.  But this format has worked of both of us:  for me - to write in a slightly more third person (vs. directly to him) way, and for him to read thoughts more fleshed out and thought through than otherwise.  On the other hand - really being true to that purpose means that much of what i write is not so interesting to anyone else, and i sometimes repeat issues that i am still working through in deeper layers. As they say - it is what it is....


He texted me mid-day today.  A picture of our spanking bench.  He had to uncover it - it's been awhile - for the bench in any case. More than long enough since the two of us have had some truly private time too.

A little back and forth by text

I finally admit that - yes - i do need it - but i'm also afraid - i'm in a dangerous mind space - some big things weighing on me - i know that some - i don't what to call it- play? -  time? - a good beating?- would be very good for me.  But i'm not sure i can do it.

He reassured me - if you can call him telling me that it will be very good for me but is likely to "feel like hell" reassuring.

A little more back and forth - more serious now - and it all comes down to - yes - I trust him.  In the end, I will be fine, he will make sure of that.

But i don't think i've ever told him all the things that run through my mind about this.

Yes - i'm a masochist - but i am still not entirely comfortable with that -  not because i feel deviant or broken or weird - it's because it is something he does for me - a need or a want (depending on the day) of mine that he fulfills.

He shouldn't have to fulfill my needs and wants - that's what i'm supposed to do for him.  Especially sex - the whole idea was that he shouldn't have to work for it, there shouldn't be any quid pro quo - that was the broken part of our marriage previously.

I'm also submissive - not sure about the definitions here- but whatever trait it is that makes me respond so favorably to containment and control - i am that and i do, and sometimes it is very, very good for me and my state of mind.

But he shouldn't have to provide my mental stability -  I hate it when i need help in that.  Reaching things off high shelves, killing bugs, doing our insanely complex taxes each year, all those things and more -  i've gotten comfortable with being his job. Remaining even keel mentally should be my job.


That's about how far i got with writing, then i had to move on to other things.  Now it is afterwards - there were more things that ran through my head - but i don't remember exactly what now.

Some thoughts now, afterwards,  though....

It was hard for me mentally - but he has gotten very, very good at reading me and at taking me the way he wants me to go

That hook he got - very effective - not overwhelming at first - but tied to my collar with just a little tension - becomes a very heavy, solid, inexorable point of focus, and control.......

I don't understand it - and maybe that's part of the problem - i always want to understand things - he doesn't admit to being at all a sadist, not even really to being dominant - he also really, really shuns labels in that way - so it's a bit complicated.

If he would say, "I am a sadist, your pain/suffering/humiliation is what i want," or, "I am dominant, I want/need to control you/be in charge/lead..."  it would be very simple to reconcile in my mind.

He clearly likes the things he does, beyond just the obvious signs and symptoms of how he responds to inflicting pain and imposing control, beyond the fun and the play - which - btw - i really believe are important also.

It's a little too simple to say that if he didn't like it, he wouldn't do it.  He is the type of person who will give something his full effort, fully engaged and dedicated - even when it's a matter of  "important to do or need to do" vs. "want to do."  And both these blocks of time and this whole dynamic are much more than just the fun parts.  He does an awful lot of work, much of it not his favorite kind of work, deep emotions, girly emotions, tears....

But he also clearly revels in his mastery of me - of my body and of my state of mind - of me in a much, much deeper way than ever before. ["Revels" is the best word i can think of - it feels deeper than enjoyment or liking; it feels like deep satisfaction and appreciation, with exuberance, but inward and personal.]

And there is a submissive me that he wants to bring out, that he wants to be the me that is present more and more: not the lost kitten, not dependent or needy, not even the wanton slut (although she has her place), but quiet-in-her-confidence, clear-headed, listening, attuned to him, at peace and content with us.  I think that is something he sees emerging, he sees his ability to create that, and i believe he wants that a great deal.

And it feels very worthwhile to strive to give him all of that.


  1. I'm not sure I'm going to be able to convey what I'm thinking, but I'll give it a try…

    You don't need a label for "doing what makes us both soar" - that's just, "I love this person and I want us to take up whatever space we need to, and be the most we can be."

    I think the hook is in, not just bringing out the submissive but bringing out the joy that being submissive gives you. And that's gotta be a heady rush, don't you think? To give that to the person you love?

    (have I come anywhere close to being germane?)

    1. very germane - and very wise - thank you. (bad pun though!!)

  2. GG: Stop doing that thinking thing, would you? :p

    Really, JZ is correct above. You don't need a label. We hate labels. I only started employing them for the sake of my blog and when we socialize with other kink-minded folks. Its your relationship.

    Ummm....I can understand where you are coming from on the whole 'he shouldn't have to fulfill my needs and wants, that's what I'm supposed to do for him' thinking however, by holding on to that, it acts as kind of a wall (or it can) because you're not letting him in. Not letting him into that apex of vulnerability, the part where its about him taking care of you in equal measures. Its tough, I know.

    But oh, that glorious feeling of trust and peace that comes with letting go--that's divine. Happy that you were able to experience that contentment that comes from the "US".

    1. bleuame,
      i don't seem to be able to turn off the wondering. you are dead on though - adn it is what he tells me too - he wants, needs, to be able to take care of me - and that is hard for me - but its what i most need to work on. thank you.

  3. Padrone calls himself both Dominant and sadist, but in actuality he simply needs to know that I trust him totally, and of course adore him abjectly - lol.

    But for us, it's more about the trust than anything else. Labels are too confining, I agree with you on that! So we've kind of tried to figure out what it is that makes each other tick. For me, finding someone that I can trust is HUGE...far bigger than I could ever express. And for him, being trusted enough to be given authority over my life is the major need he has.

    We both meet those needs by practicing a D/s lifestyle, in our own way. Your needs, and your husband's, may not be those of "typical" D/s'ers in that they don't fall into the traditional needs espoused by so many.

    My point is that, what pleases him, what he needs and "gets out of" this aspect of your relationship may be far more simple than it may seem sometimes. It sure took me a long time to figure Padrone out! But yes, knowing that you are the only one who can meet his needs, whatever they may be, is the most fulfilling thing in the world!

    So glad things are going well for y'all! I read often, just very rarely comment anywhere anymore. You always make me think though!


    1. schiava,
      I think that is the key - finding what makes each other tick - that's so individual, even if things look similar on the outside. and yea - he would love the idea of simple - i can makes things a bit more complicated than necessary. thank you for stopping by - i'm glad things are going well for you also.

  4. I am going out on a limb here, but I think we do need labels. Every woman I know is trying to define the life around them and we often tell ourselves to stop labeling things. It occurs to me that we should embrace this need of ours and label away.

    We just don't need the label to be the end of the story. We need them to help explain stuff to ourselves.

    Having said that, I really appreciate this post. There are multiple areas that spoke to me - especially whether or not he is responsible for meeting your needs. I think he would say differently than you would; but maybe he doesn't think your needs are the same as you think your needs are.

    I am glad you got some time together. Thanks for taking the time to post about it.

    1. I left out a small thought - we don't need the labels to be the end of the story - they should not be confining or limiting. They should be discarded once we move forward. We are dynamic individuals who move through different states - nothing wrong with calling a state you are in what it is.

      Why do you think we all want to find a "home state" and stay there? Because it seems to me that's not going to happen.

    2. I liked this thought, has me thinking

    3. Kitty,
      I agree - at it's most basic, labels are words and we need words to communicate with each other. But we have to be careful to communicate what we really mean - and listen to what the other person is trying to mean - rather than assume the label sums it all up accurately. The fact that my husband won't admit to those labels has made it difficult for me to accept that he really enjoys his side of this dynamic - and that has been a problem. On the other hand it has forced me to listen to him more carefully.

      I think you might be right about the needs - and one of his is to be able to take care of me - for me to allow that. And - i love your comment about home states. I know part of it for me is simple fear of the unknown - if i am happy where i am, it is risky to move on - even if what lies ahead may be good also. But yea - change is gonna happen - no matter what.

      Sir J,
      I bet - it was a few very interesting points indeed.

  5. I do think labels have their place but its what they mean to you thats important.

    So much here i can relate to, going through similar trains of thoughts myself and i need to re-focus.


    1. tori,
      I think so too - especially if we've done the work to figure out what we each mean. It helps to know the relationship is strong enough to tolerate times of figuring out because it's generally better for it in the long run. Thank you.

  6. Your background on your blog is beautiful, but I have a really hard time reading the words. Is anyone else having this problem? Is there another way of reading it? Thanks, -Belle L.

  7. Belle,
    I didn't realize it was difficult this time. Is it the posts or the sidebar info? The color or the font/size? I will try to tweak it. Thank you.