block of time

This blog started - a long time ago - as a way for me to communicate to my husband - serious stuff and more random stuff.  He has grown to like it.  Of course we talk - I tell him things directly too.  But this format has worked of both of us:  for me - to write in a slightly more third person (vs. directly to him) way, and for him to read thoughts more fleshed out and thought through than otherwise.  On the other hand - really being true to that purpose means that much of what i write is not so interesting to anyone else, and i sometimes repeat issues that i am still working through in deeper layers. As they say - it is what it is....

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He texted me mid-day today.  A picture of our spanking bench.  He had to uncover it - it's been awhile - for the bench in any case. More than long enough since the two of us have had some truly private time too.

A little back and forth by text

I finally admit that - yes - i do need it - but i'm also afraid - i'm in a dangerous mind space - some big things weighing on me - i know that some - i don't what to call it- play? -  time? - a good beating?- would be very good for me.  But i'm not sure i can do it.

He reassured me - if you can call him telling me that it will be very good for me but is likely to "feel like hell" reassuring.

A little more back and forth - more serious now - and it all comes down to - yes - I trust him.  In the end, I will be fine, he will make sure of that.

But i don't think i've ever told him all the things that run through my mind about this.

Yes - i'm a masochist - but i am still not entirely comfortable with that -  not because i feel deviant or broken or weird - it's because it is something he does for me - a need or a want (depending on the day) of mine that he fulfills.

He shouldn't have to fulfill my needs and wants - that's what i'm supposed to do for him.  Especially sex - the whole idea was that he shouldn't have to work for it, there shouldn't be any quid pro quo - that was the broken part of our marriage previously.

I'm also submissive - not sure about the definitions here- but whatever trait it is that makes me respond so favorably to containment and control - i am that and i do, and sometimes it is very, very good for me and my state of mind.

But he shouldn't have to provide my mental stability -  I hate it when i need help in that.  Reaching things off high shelves, killing bugs, doing our insanely complex taxes each year, all those things and more -  i've gotten comfortable with being his job. Remaining even keel mentally should be my job.

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That's about how far i got with writing, then i had to move on to other things.  Now it is afterwards - there were more things that ran through my head - but i don't remember exactly what now.

Some thoughts now, afterwards,  though....

It was hard for me mentally - but he has gotten very, very good at reading me and at taking me the way he wants me to go

That hook he got - very effective - not overwhelming at first - but tied to my collar with just a little tension - becomes a very heavy, solid, inexorable point of focus, and control.......

I don't understand it - and maybe that's part of the problem - i always want to understand things - he doesn't admit to being at all a sadist, not even really to being dominant - he also really, really shuns labels in that way - so it's a bit complicated.

If he would say, "I am a sadist, your pain/suffering/humiliation is what i want," or, "I am dominant, I want/need to control you/be in charge/lead..."  it would be very simple to reconcile in my mind.

He clearly likes the things he does, beyond just the obvious signs and symptoms of how he responds to inflicting pain and imposing control, beyond the fun and the play - which - btw - i really believe are important also.

It's a little too simple to say that if he didn't like it, he wouldn't do it.  He is the type of person who will give something his full effort, fully engaged and dedicated - even when it's a matter of  "important to do or need to do" vs. "want to do."  And both these blocks of time and this whole dynamic are much more than just the fun parts.  He does an awful lot of work, much of it not his favorite kind of work, deep emotions, girly emotions, tears....

But he also clearly revels in his mastery of me - of my body and of my state of mind - of me in a much, much deeper way than ever before. ["Revels" is the best word i can think of - it feels deeper than enjoyment or liking; it feels like deep satisfaction and appreciation, with exuberance, but inward and personal.]

And there is a submissive me that he wants to bring out, that he wants to be the me that is present more and more: not the lost kitten, not dependent or needy, not even the wanton slut (although she has her place), but quiet-in-her-confidence, clear-headed, listening, attuned to him, at peace and content with us.  I think that is something he sees emerging, he sees his ability to create that, and i believe he wants that a great deal.


And it feels very worthwhile to strive to give him all of that.