Monday, September 30, 2013

both true

I am, as I may or may not have ever alluded to here, a scientist.  Which, in my case, accounts for the constant wondering.

There have been many aspects of this whole thing that escape my full understanding.  Part of that is probably due to the fact that i live almost entirely in my head and i'm not very comfortable with heart side of things.

One of the things that has never made sense to me is the, "Are D and s (or M and s, or whatever) equal or unequal?"

Of course they are equal - my rational brain says - both are human and thus equal.  In the rest of my existence i reject anything that says some class of people (women, race, disability, etc...) are less than others, in any way, not even the "of course they are equal, but one is just a little bit more equal."  That's BS.  Classes of people are certainly treated that way - but that doesn't make them ontologically less than.

Plenty of rhetoric pushes the unequal by nature view, especially the view that women are by nature less than: in this world - just look around at a number of tumblers, women are dirt, made to be owned and abused...; and outside of this world - well - you don't have to really look far at all.

The other rhetoric one hears is that to be a slave one has to give up equal rights, actually- one has to give up all rights, that the definition of true slave is giving up any voice or any choice, forevermore.

I can't live by rhetoric, there's too much of it, it's all conflicting, and it's a silly way to try to make one's way through the world anyhow.

But - in my heart, inarticulate and stunted tho it is, i have felt a dissonance in trying to reconcile serving, submitting, giving in to, and being owned -  with the idea of remaining equal, esp in remaining equal in power in the relationship.

I entered into this because it felt right, it spoke to me, actually - it kicked me in the gut and knocked me over. It was all illogical, nonsensical, entirely feeling, heart - there was and is no rational way to see why submitting and eventually being owned is a good thing.

And my heart tells me that to give myself, it has to be unconditional, that what i want, what is best for me and for us, is for him to have the power, all of it.

But my head tells me that of course i can withdraw consent: any extreme, unexpected thing could happen, and both of us want us protected and making right choices, him included.  Tori explains it clearly here.

My rational brain also points out that, if i can withdraw consent, then i hold the ultimate power. In reality, each time i choose to submit could be the time i choose to say no.  And if i hold that power - then it looks like he actually has none.  From a purely objective POV - he has to hope that each time he tells me anything, i will go along.  From the outside, that looks like a terrible position to be in - it looks whiny and weak and desperate and like he's totally fooling himself if he thinks he has any power at all...

Of course - i am submissive, i want to submit, i am more right in my skin than i ever have been before in being owned by him - so i NEED him to own me.  I'm not going to jeopardize that.  Also - i've made a commitment - a very important one.

The two are going to have to live side-by-side.  I've given myself to him, he owns me, he has power over me, at all times, in all ways.  I am equal and i can remain his and yet withdraw my consent.

Addendum: It has been pointed out to me that both of us have the same right and obligation of consent in this and that i ignored that side of it all.  Partly that was poor writing on my part - the thing i was trying to express had to do with the dissonance between my feeling of wanting to give him all of me, without reservation or condition, and the rational fact that of course i it involves consent.  I got lost with a bunch of stuff that wasn't so related to that point.

The irony is that I certainly know that he has as much say or consent to give or withdraw as i do - I offered my submission and had to wait for him to carefully consider to accept or not.  He accepted my offer, but on his own terms.  His terms never feel like my way re-packaged and coming from him - his way is always very clearly his way, and that leaves no doubt ever that he would change or stop or withdraw his domination as he sees fit.   


  1. Replies
    1. Misty,
      thank you, but i missed the mark a bit.

  2. The equal/not equal element of these relationships is something that i have pondered on, like you stated i believe that everyone is equal, as a person i am equal to my Master, he is not better than me, but yet there are elements in our relationship that demonstrate inequality.

    Im going to go stew on this some more now lol


    1. tori,
      I don't blame you. I've been stewing a bit too - i didn't say it all very well.

    2. I thought you made your points very well..for what its worth lol


  3. Sir J just wrote about this. We forget the Dom can withdraw consent too. There isn't any ultimate power just an exchange of gifts.

  4. I truly did not see this post as suggesting that the Dom did not have to give consent and of course I know green girl that you know this. I wrote my post having read yours and not as a reply to it. I apologize to your readers and you if I inadvertently caused anyone to miss your point.

    1. Sir J,
      I communicated poorly all the way around here. No apology is necessary on your part. Thank you.

  5. now you have me pondering. I love your writing, btw.
    It's the "unconditional" that I am thinking of now. I know that if Master asked me to, say, go to a bar, find a guy and blow him...I'd struggle with that. I might even balk. Would I do it? I have no fucking idea. The idea of general population semen is kinda reprehensible to me, actually. He brought someone to play with me...but He spent time checking him out, making certain all was well medically--because He takes good care of His possessions.

    I am not a slave. I'm His slut--and maybe that's the difference?

    But if I give unconditional surrender, and He sends me to do something unconscionable...harm one of my kids, for example..I'd say fuck you, asshole. Which automatically negates that "unconditional" part.

    I think there are parts of us that we give over--and some few M/s couples do make the 100% part work--but each relationship is unique and individual. I'd bet you'd give your Master 100% in the bedroom and in many areas of your life. But if He said--don't work, don't think, stay home and clean the floors with a toothbrush? Maybe not so much. I don't think you can "turn off" that thinking part of your brain. I think you can override it at times, and I think you always be submissive in your approach to your lifestyle, but to be 100% subjugated? I'm just not sure that's possible.

    And likely this soliloquy is not helping your state of mind--at all. I'm just thinking aloud here..!



  6. nilla,
    i'm sorry to take so long to get back - it's been a wild few weeks. And the few weeks have reinforced just what you say here - it is more complex than it looks, and it should be - for him to take care of me, for me to serve him - is not reducible to a few simple concepts - it all depends - all the time.... thank you - you are - as always- the voice of cutting through the BS. I need that.