the thin one that sears straight to my brain and doesn't bloom out to other regions the way more thuddy pains do
i've asked to bring this back - which makes this something he is doing for me - i suppose it always was - but it makes the headspace around it very different than presenting myself to fulfill a desire or need of his.
i know the number - i know ahead of time if it's going to be too many - or even worse - too few
i know i need to surrender to this - not just the pain, not even just the surrender to him - i need to allow the pain and the surrender to him to truly impact me; i need to be open to it effecting change within me, in the moment, for the day and over time
that's a lot to ask of one thin little piece of dried plant material
but i need this
i need the pain, i need the act of surrendering, i need the change within me, i need the courage to ask for more when it isn't enough, and i need the trust in him that 'for me' is really 'for us' and ultimately what he wants