Sunday, September 8, 2013

the cane

the thin one that sears straight to my brain and doesn't bloom out to other regions the way more thuddy pains do

i've asked to bring this back - which makes this something he is doing for me - i suppose it always was - but it makes the headspace around it very different than presenting myself to fulfill a desire or need of his.  

i know the number - i know ahead of time if it's going to be too many - or even worse - too few

i know i need to surrender to this - not just the pain, not even just the surrender to him - i need to allow the pain and the surrender to him to truly impact me; i need to be open to it effecting change within me, in the moment, for the day and over time

that's a lot to ask of one thin little piece of dried plant material

but i need this

i need the pain, i need the act of surrendering, i need the change within me, i need the courage to ask for more when it isn't enough, and i need the trust in him that 'for me' is really 'for us' and ultimately what he wants


  1. Is it just the cane specifically that brings about these feelings?

    Im asking because the cane is my favourite implement and its the one i will ask for because for some reason its what i find easier to umm whats the word im looking for....relax into...lets me be.

    Not all the time, i do have to be in the right headspace to start with.

    but i prefer thick canes, the thin ones i cant manage as well with.

    Hope it brings you what you need.


    1. tori,
      I would say that the surrender and the need to allow the change and the trust apply to many implements. It's easier with some - they are just easier to work with, to relax into as you say. But His intent has an awful lot to do with it.

      This with the cane right now is a strange, in-between thing. He started it last January but stopped for awhile recently - it's the number of the date as strikes of the cane every day. So it's too fast and abrupt to be more than just the pain. It's not punishment, or really discipline, maybe most like maintenance... But when i can work with it, it does make a big difference. Possibly any other implement would work - the cane is quieter and has more bang for the buck than others.

      and yes - the think one's a bitch.
      thank you

  2. i need those things too. The pain, the act of surrendering. i'm glad you're getting them. :-)


    1. sofia,
      thank you - we were off for a bit, but it's coming back. i hope the pattern of your life comes around to a more comfortable place for you two soon.

  3. I would think having that daily surrender of power, not only to experience, but to anticipate as well would be very comforting. I know comforting is an odd world choice when describing a cane.

    1. Serenity - i think that is exactly the right word - it is comforting to know it is there. I'm thinking about you. Thank you

  4. Greengirl--hugs!
    That surrendering is so brings such re-connection.

    1. Bleuame - it really, really does. Thanks