Saturday, February 22, 2014

I want what you have

Three seem to be a few themes out there in the blogs recently, or things it seems bloggers have on their minds.  The ones that have hit me are writers block (obviously - since it's been two weeks) and service and doing things your own way.

Ironically - my writers block is related to a thinking block - i read or have things i notice in my world that i think are important, interesting, and worth really thinking about - then my brain looks at it and essentially says *whatever* with the accompanying eye roll, and then flits off.

If it makes any sense whatsoever - I can see what i want to think.  I can see the nice, neat, fully formed, tied-up-with-a-bow thought process and conclusions in my head, but i can't get into the box to really look at it, or share it, especially with my husband.

So i'm forcing myself to write - even if it's just a little, and kinda simplistic, or silly, one topic at a time......

Starting with - blogging and "I want what you, and you, and you have" (looks around at the other blogs all around).  Except - I DON'T.  I don't want what you have -  I want the feeling maybe, the result, the outcome, sometimes.... But we have worked so, so hard to have what we have.  And good grief does it look different from what you and you and you have.

The conflict in my mind isn't in wanting to be like anyone else.  The unrest in my mind right now is in how i use or rely on what i read in other blogs.

I never would have discovered any aspects of BDSM or power exchange, or any of ttwd without this blogworld.  Or - more accurately - my knowledge of any of it would have been limited to sideways and prurient references on TV or in movies or now in popular fiction.  This blogland is where i found concepts to explore, (and yes) looked at how other people do this thing we do, got ideas to try, found things to talk about with my husband, used other peoples' reflections to help me consider and clarify my own thoughts and beliefs, etc., etc., etc.,...

There really is enough of a common underlying structure to it all that we have "copied" a lot of what other people do that we likely would not have thought to do on our own: spanking, flogging, nipple clamps of all sorts, buying and using toys, calling him Sir, safewords, collars; the fun things - and the concepts and language that have helped us define in our minds what we are with and to each other.

So in that respect - I/We have certainly worked to become 'like' all of you.  In reality - he measures and considers all of it - the ideas, stories, my thoughts (as incoherent as they sometimes are), examples that i bring to him, and the ones he finds on his own - he decides to try them - or not.  He then decides if they worked and were good, or not.  He weighs my input, my responses, my needs and wants, and how those change.

So that, what "We" are - isn't so different in general, but is in fact unique to us: he likes all sorts of ways of making my ass red and hot and painful, but never as a punishment; he likes all sorts of ways of torturing my tits; he insists on honesty and my being open to him in all ways; he likes being called Sir, but not when anyone else is around; he likes my kneeling for important or difficult conversations, but he doesn't care at all for me to sit on the floor instead of the sofa with him just in general; he has no desire at all to grant me permission to pee - but he won't let me scratch an itch in his presence, though he will do it for me if I ask nicely...

I have always been very careful to look at myself and try to make sure i'm not confusing my wants or needs or feelings with "just something i read."  I've worked to catch the "you're doing it wrong" types of thoughts and to keep them out of my mind and my communications with him.  I'm sure i've failed now and then, but i try.  There is no denying though that all of you have influenced me and us - for the better, how i see things, how i make peace with things,  how i understand things.

What i do worry or think about more recently though is that i might be using blogging as training wheels of sorts.  I wonder if I or if we would grow differently if it were to happen organically, without outside influence, or whether it would just stall out and fizzle.  Or maybe as it has been is a good way for it to be?








15 comments:

  1. I get what you are saying...or writing. What Master and i have i feel is unique, and have come to feel that is a good thing,,,it works for us...it is ours. I have learned somethings and suggested certain things based on what i have read here...and that is a good thing. Mostly i think this community has helped me to see that although i am unique, i am not different,,,in a bad sense. What i want and feel , is shared by others....or at least understood by others, that makes them less scary somehow. Not sure this is making sense....
    hugs abby

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    1. Perfect sense abby. Blogging has been enormously valuable to me - the people out there - you all. I'm just looking at myself and trying to be honest with myself......

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  2. oh this is good greengirl, I think you nailed it here!

    'I have always been very careful to look at myself and try to make sure i'm not confusing my wants or needs or feelings with "just something i read." '
    oh yes! *nods vigorously*

    At the end of the day, what we're dealing with here is relationships. A very special relationship, one we may have seen an example of growing up but not partaken in ourselves until we were adults (more or less, you know what I mean!) so... I think reaching out for reference points, examples and ideas if only to use as examples of what you DON'T want is inevitable.. Before blogging it would have been magazines, or self help books, or gossip behind the bike sheds, right?

    I must say, I prefer blogging - warmer and dryer for a start ;-D

    Abby - you made total sense to me - unique but not badly different. Yes. Such a relief to work that one out!

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    1. Being very careful about what i really feel vs what stuck in my head because it was intriguing or exciting or arousing - has been a thing for me - and something He calls me or questions me on - he is aware also. I had not so great examples of adult relationships growing up - i think i spent a lot of time having a relationship with very little thought to how - if that makes sense. I just sort of floated along - being - without much intention or direction. Maybe that is part of the why for this now (and definitely warmer and dryer :)

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  3. When i first started out in ttwd and with blogging i compared, i got inspired, i found a whole bunch of people i could relate to, i felt 'normal' lol

    Now i dont compare, but the rest still very much so how i feel, i think no matter how long anyone has been doing this, how they got here etc its good and healthy and natural to seek out ideas, thoughts, and personally for myself i enjoy posts that i read that make me think, give me a different perspective etc.

    x

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    1. I absolutely enjoy the posts that challenge my thinking, and love the perspective. I'm just sort of checking myself - at a new level maybe - as to whether i'm still being honest with myself and my husband about what i really feel - vs. what i consume. Maybe a deeper version of getting aroused watching or reading porn - that's ok (meaning i think it's not wrong - for me) as long as it isn't supplanting my interactions with and responses to him. Same with my submissiveness - for me - it needs to be centered on Him, the feelings created by him or by our interactions, not anything outside of us.

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  4. These lines "I have always been very careful to look at myself and try to make sure i'm not confusing my wants or needs or feelings with "just something i read." I've worked to catch the "you're doing it wrong"" ring so true for me gg x

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    1. It is just too easy to let happen. There are so many similarities and what people 'out there' write resonates with me so strongly in many cases....

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  5. There are, I think, layers to this...
    We are brought up on "happily ever after fairy tale princesses," and we grow up believing that there is, somewhere, a Prince Charming who will ride in on a beautiful white horse, and carry us away to live forever in the castle on the hill. And then we grow up and we find that there are no real Prince Charming's -- just the ordinary guys that we find ourselves along side of. No big castles to live in, either. It is that time when we come face to face with the ordinary lives that we live with our ordinary partners; ordinary ups and downs, trials and troubles, dreams and hopes. When we learn that no one else makes us happy; can make us happy, it is that moment when we begin to learn to find the deep, soft, shining joys in the extraordinary fact of being in this place, in this time, with this life and this one, precious love.

    You are wise to know that what you have is unique and precious and powerful just as it is.

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    1. Sue,
      I was a very odd child with some atypical circumstances growing up. For whatever reason, I never did the fairy tale thing. I don't remember consciously rejecting it, i just never thought about my future, or anyone's, in those terms. I actually grew up swearing i would never marry or have kids and that i would be the crazy scientist living in the crazy house at the end of the street. What you say is so true though: the ordinary of my life is the wonderful. thank you.

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  6. oh, and you know, there are times when I do the same. Looking around at blogland and thinking...I'm not doing this right, I'm not being the perfect little submissive for him...but when I try to be what I'm not? He's all wtf are you doing? If I want you on your knees, then on your knees you will be. It doesn't look like anyone elses submission or domination because we're all so different (and yes, also very alike) about what our and Their needs are.

    Envy is the destroyer of inner peace. I don't feel jealousy...but I sure as shootin' have had my share of envy. But we've worked through my little...lapses, let's call them, and come around to realize that my universe and yours and anyone else's are more like Venn diagrams...there are moments of commonality, but the rest of it is done our way. Okay, HIS way. *smiling*...

    It's both hard, and refreshing to realize that, isn't it? And because we're all imperfect beings, I know we'll (he and I) circle and cycle around my thoughts of "we're doin' this wrong" again someday. But I have noticed that there are significant lags between those feeling of being inadequate or "wrong"...so I'm getting it. Only 4 years in? I think that's pretty good for this stubborn sub. :)

    nilla
    ps...the only way through word block is through it, one word, then one sentence at a time. Good job on breaking through it with this topic.

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  7. nilla,
    I'm not a writer in the best of times, but it does force me to really explain my feelings - something that is new for me, and sometimes quite challenging. There are a lot of things i see out there that i want. Plain and simple. Not covet or feel jealous of - I like your distinction with envy - i think i do fall into envy more than i would like to admit. But there are a lot of things that appeal to me and i need to be careful to find the balance between being open and adventurous and wanting (cuz he likes me wanting) vs. unhappy or resentful at what i don't have. Does this make any sense - sometimes i can overthink?

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  8. I think that makes perfect sense (and you could have fooled me about the "I'm not a writer"--I find your blog quite erudite...you make me think!) Jealousy is different from envy...I don't see envy as ...covetous, I guess. Just a longing within oneself for what someone else has. I think we all fall victim to overthinking...my current overthinking is "does He still want me" "no, does He REALLY want me?" even though I *know* that if He didn't want something, He wouldn't be bothered to make the effort to attend to it. I know He wants me and I don't think it's insecurity so much as...overthinking. :)

    He's rather put my mind at rest about that, as He ramps things up in preparation for our meet on Sunday. (that makes it sound like a sporting event... our "meet"...hahaha)

    nilla

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  9. Greengirl:
    I read this post just before going on hiatus and it truly struck a lasting note with me.
    It's good to like what you have.
    And I think it is very positive and healthy to amplify that..to talk about everything that is going right.
    I can understand, looking around at everyone else and wanting parts of it or the result that seem to be there..but that would be like transporting partners or lives and I like mine quite a bit :P

    I think everyone, everywhere, compares and contrasts. If you were in a vanilla relationship, it might be "So and so said that restaurant was good" or "they have date night on Tuesdays...maybe we should".

    I can't see how your relationship doesn't/didn't grow organically. You might have picked up a few ideas, suggestions but they are still your experiences and those experiences are/have affected you and therefore your relationship.

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    1. hmm - I like my partner an awful lot too. There really is nothing new under the sun - so what we do and how we are is similar to other people, it just has to be. Your point is good though - wherever we draw our ideas, it becomes our experience and relationship. Thank you.

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