5 years

A little over 5 years ago I stumbled onto (into?) something totally new.  The feelings and the way my mind and my body responded completely rocked me.  I know that sounds stupid: everyone these days has heard of BDSM, it's everywhere.  Five years ago I hadn't.  I did, though, have some pretty deep seated blocks when it came to sex and power and control.  I was very much closed off and unto myself.

I wanted this thing I had discovered.  No - I responded to this, and what I wanted a great deal was to respond - to him.  

He's not a prude, nor did I really think he would dismiss me or consider me sick or immoral.  But I was terrified that such a huge change would drive him away, that it wouldn't work for us and that the regrets and the failure would be too much to overcome.  

But we moved forward.  Over the past 5 years as we moved from bedroom to 24/7, I've wondered and reflected and worried and feared and thought myself in circles over things.  I know he has considered things too; though, what he shares with me generally gets summed up as, "Any hole, any time."  

The wanting isn't as all consuming as it was early on, but it's still often there and often very strong.  I want to respond to him.  The difference is that now I know I do, and I know it's not just my body - my mind and my being look to him.  It's a palpable feeling this desire to submit to him.  And when he grabs that desire and plays with it, uses it, turns it around and stretches it to his desire - it's a glorious feeling.  

I don't know where the next 5 or 10 or 30 years will take us.  I worry that this thing that we've found that seems to suit us both so well will fade away.  Can it really last with outside pressures and life changes and our bodies aren't getting any younger and - well - everything?

I haven't reached perfect submission yet.  I still find myself testing and poking and balking at surprising times.  I wish the reins were tighter here, maybe looser there, or that he would just pull out the (metaphorical) whip and really take control.

One of the few overarching, more abstract rules he has for me is that I try to be optimistic, to see the possibility and not the negative in things.  It's a rule because it's not easy for me sometimes.  The chance I took (and that he took also) 5 years ago has been so worthwhile.  I hope we continue to take the right kinds of chances.  

want-y

I would say needy - but i could and likely will be denied - and will survive - but will want all the more...

I'm allowed to touch, just not allowed to come..... my fingers swirl around my nipples, brushing across the tops, over my sweatshirt, blunting the sensation but making me reach for it at the same time, then my t-shirt - more sensation, more yearning, then skin - i catch my breath and my pussy clenches uselessly..... i can pinch and twist a bit, but i can't recreate the feeling i really want - i want his hands, i want him to stroke, tease, just brush across the top, leaving me hoping, thrusting myself into his hands, encouraging him to pinch, twist, pull, to cup my breast with his whole hand, possessive but reverent, then to squeeze viciously, to maul and slap.....to posses what is his.  I can feel myself surrendering to this, more so than the simple physical arousal and desire - which are overwhelming to be sure - but the desire to be possessed, the physical that is really so, so much more.

disappearing act

Specifically me - so in this case - not really an act...

I'm just not around much, and not likely to be a great deal in the near future - life, cycles, the natural order of things, distractions elsewhere - nothing big, nothing bad, just life.



Disappearing act of a different kind though.....

Let's just say that the very pretty, heavy steel plug that he likes me to wear just around - isn't designed to be used while being vigorously fucked.  I was pretty far gone, i remember it going in at some point - then what felt like hours of being thoroughly used - then some quiet time after, basking - then i was cleaning up.  Except no plug to be found - anywhere, not in the bed, or on the floor, or under the bed, only one possibility left - yup - that pretty glass top/flange is purely decorative, not at all functional.

tori's room 101

Well - not really tori's - but she started the idea and it is an intriguing one.  See hers here.

So - three things i would want to put in a room to have never reappear - ever.

The first one is easy - this - his tongue anywhere near my ears - or his mouth, or maybe even his hands - i just can't begin to say how much i really can't stand this one.

Two more is a bit harder though and thinking about it took me down a path - one I've been down before, but it's not necessarily a good path.

The thing is - i'm not sure there are things he likes that i don't - or wouldn't.  I often feel like my desires are huge and his are somewhat more narrow.  And it feels like a sacrilege to say so.

I can't think of anything he's tried (except the tongue/ear thing) that i would choose to put away for good.  There is a particular wooden paddle that i DO NOT appreciate in the same way he does - at all - but he loves it and frankly it's good for me (as in, constructive, not as in pleasant) sometimes.

There are a few things he has tried that he has no interest in revisiting - his prerogative.  It makes me wobbly in a not good way if I feel like he does things to cater to my wishes - so it's far better if he chooses and i don't get to.

Then there are the million things he hasn't tried - lots of them i think i might love, some i think i wouldn't like at all, but then i get that feeling there....  In the actual real world though, odds are i couldn't handle half of what makes me hot to read or think about, and half of what's left i would likely hate the reality of.

It does feel like a criticism or a 'just not said thing' to say that i sometimes feel like our kinks aren't perfectly matched - or - worse - to feel like i'm implying that he's not kinky enough, or sadist enough, or whatever enough for me.

I am sometimes like a kid in a candy store - i want that, and that, and lots of that... and really - parents don't send their kids to the candy store with more than a very little money to spend - it keeps the kids safe from themselves.  Yes - I'm an adult - but in this case, i'm safe from myself, i can let go and indulge in my mind precisely because i'm protected from actually getting what i think i want.

So - only one known thing to put in room 101.  And no hypotheticals i can think of to put in - at least not without getting into the realm of the absurd.

On a less kinky - more serious note - I would put into the room things i really don't want him to do:  I would be devastated if he abandoned me - just walked away - literally of course - but also metaphorically.  Along those lines - i need for him to be solid - not to waiver.  I need to be deeply certain that he is in charge and that he wants me to follow.  i need to know that, no matter what i think i want, we will do exactly what he wants.