I've been feeling very, very un-submissive recently. I don't walk around in a submissive haze typically, but something has been off. My impulse whenever he asks me or tells me to do something - is to laugh - not laugh in his face defy him, and not quite a nervous giggle - but somewhere in between.
I feel a little like my emotions have had too much coffee. They're just a little tightly wound and not soft or compliant. I'm a pretty busy person normally - not fidgety or one big ball of energy - but my mind is always going and i'm more of a do-er than a sit and watch-er. He wants me as I am generally, but with him, alone, he really likes soft and compliant too.
I've been going with the 'fake-it-til-you-make-it' method - trying to hide the storm under the surface and just doing what i need to - leaking a little - a little more sass than usual, some resistance not exactly when he would want it - but trying to comply anyhow.
Then i bit him. He really, really does not want to be bitten, it's a big off-limits. He made that very clear, immediately. And I burst into tears, sobbing.
He adjusted his tack a little while still reinforcing the no-biting, that was totally unacceptable, lesson. And after, we talked. He wasn't excited about the idea that I've been doing as he wants out of a sense of obligation to a promise i made. And i tried to explain that it isn't exactly that - I want to be his, i want to be as he wants me, but my head isn't cooperating. He asked me what i am feeling - the only thing i could come up with was nervous energy - emotionally pacing back and forth, jumpy. I tried to explain 'just doing until things go back to the way they belong.'
It doesn't feel like i've felt in the past when i just want to feel him more, when i need the leash shorter, but i think that's what is likely to happen. And likely it's what i need.