I've been feeling very, very un-submissive recently. I don't walk around in a submissive haze typically, but something has been off. My impulse whenever he asks me or tells me to do something - is to laugh - not laugh in his face defy him, and not quite a nervous giggle - but somewhere in between.
I feel a little like my emotions have had too much coffee. They're just a little tightly wound and not soft or compliant. I'm a pretty busy person normally - not fidgety or one big ball of energy - but my mind is always going and i'm more of a do-er than a sit and watch-er. He wants me as I am generally, but with him, alone, he really likes soft and compliant too.
I've been going with the 'fake-it-til-you-make-it' method - trying to hide the storm under the surface and just doing what i need to - leaking a little - a little more sass than usual, some resistance not exactly when he would want it - but trying to comply anyhow.
Then i bit him. He really, really does not want to be bitten, it's a big off-limits. He made that very clear, immediately. And I burst into tears, sobbing.
He adjusted his tack a little while still reinforcing the no-biting, that was totally unacceptable, lesson. And after, we talked. He wasn't excited about the idea that I've been doing as he wants out of a sense of obligation to a promise i made. And i tried to explain that it isn't exactly that - I want to be his, i want to be as he wants me, but my head isn't cooperating. He asked me what i am feeling - the only thing i could come up with was nervous energy - emotionally pacing back and forth, jumpy. I tried to explain 'just doing until things go back to the way they belong.'
It doesn't feel like i've felt in the past when i just want to feel him more, when i need the leash shorter, but i think that's what is likely to happen. And likely it's what i need.
I very much identify with your spot right now. One time or another, to a stronger degree or sometimes to a lesser degree, I get what you're saying.
ReplyDeleteThese are the posts I oddly love. I DO NOT love that you are feeling like this but I do love the honesty and the healing they inevitably bring.
Hope this new year brings you some new calm on the jumpy emotions.
XOXO Pearl
Thank you, i sincerely appreciate this. I had thought that by 5 or 6 years in, I would have gotten past the ups and downs of it all. but, i see that there is always something new - and that is probably a really good thing. I am starting to settle and it of course is leading to even deeper feelings of being owned.
DeleteI used to feel like this, on and off, I would not exactly be snappy, but grumbly, a little snarly, I would "do", but almost under protest. I tried to work through why I was like this at times, he had not changed, nothing had. Eventually for me, it felt I needed, to be "put" back in my place, I wanted to be "taken down", be it a caning, a talking to re balance my equilibrium, even if it was just to sit at his feet for a while, have a good sob, him go over what was expected and what would absolutely not be tolerated. They are not mind readers and I did not communicate my feelings well, re what was going on in my head. Where I could have turned around and said how I was feeling before I got really snarly, I didn`t and occasionally it would escalate and I would bite. I could always ask for anything I would like, it did not mean I got, but it gave him the opportunity to correct it and basically help me. Particularly if I had a run of stressful days, outside of the house. It is hard (and I still find it difficult) to ask for this, I feel I shouldn`t, I shouldn`t get snarly, but until they become mind readers, there is a need for open communication and it stops the snarl in its tracks. Now I know just because I ask, it is still his choice to say, no. So the control remains his. I am just expressing how I feel, sometimes, I have to work through it, with him, talking openly and that is difficult, but it works, I feel better, my service improves and all is well in the world once more lol.
ReplyDeleteOh absolutely - all those things i would welcome any of that - for him to put me back in place, to fix me.... But that doesn't lead to me learning anything really about myself, or how to prevent this or work through it. And it doesn't help him - like you say - i have to communicate to him what i'm feeling, even if it doesn't make total sense. Thank you for your insight.
DeleteThis happens to me sometimes. Not so much the nervous energy thing (that usually just means I drank too much coffee!) but the unslavey feelings. I first work on reminding myself that I did and do want this, and then when he is around and we have privacy I tell him how I'm feeling. The first time it was hard, and I had a lot of explaining to do, but after that, I can just shorten it up to "I'm feeling kind of unslavey today" and he understands. He will often do something to remind me and adjust me a bit. That does help a lot.
ReplyDeleteIt's funny - i used to tell him that sometimes, that i wasn't feeling very submissive - i would say i was spiraling - or he would ask if i were spinning. Somehow we both got out of that habit. It had worked well. Thank you for reminding me!
Delete"my emotions have had too much coffee"
ReplyDeleteI love that!
My emotions are an unruly bunch, artificial stimulants are a bad idea for them, like water or light for gremlins.
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