what he wants

I've used this title before i think.  It's a mantra i use sometimes - when my head tries to go places that aren't productive or helpful.  It started when i used to worry that he didn't really want to spank/torture/use/torment/hurt/fill-in-the-blank me, that he was just doing it because i wanted it.

I actually don't think that anymore - he loves all that and more, and i couldn't be happier - well - except when i'm crying - cuz i'm a masochist who actually cries when things hurt. 

But i do still feel I'm less than: less than submissive/slave/dependent/pretty/flirty/girly /solicitous/meek/demure/fill-in-the-blank enough at times.  

It's kind of a running joke here - he won't let me into bed until he feels i'm being 'demure' - it's funny because i'm not sure i would recognize demure if i stepped in it.  He wants me submissive - and he has in mind what that looks like to him - and it very rarely looks like what the world thinks of as demure.  

But that's the key - 'what he wants.'

I get caught up in what i think submissive (for him - an adjective, describing a desirable state of being for me to be in, the more so the better) or slave, or whatever, must be.  That's been my struggle recently - i think i should be meek, a touch helpless, or needy, or girly, or anxious, or quiet, or servile or - well - whatever it is that i am not at that moment.  Then i'm sure i'm doing it all wrong, "i'm just not right for the part in the first place, it's all a big misunderstanding - you would be far better off with one of those other ones over there - look - she's so meek/helpless/quiet/pretty/needy/f*ing DEMURE........."

Like i said - he does have in mind what submissive looks like to him - and the exact picture adapts to the moment of course, but the overall, big picture is not meek, or deferential, or dependent or helpless, or even demure.  Big picture - he wants me to be confident, optimistic, self reliant, to soar, to excel, to spread my wings.  He wants to be impressed by me and proud of the things i accomplish. Ok - so that's a pretty grandiose image - but i think he would agree with the sentiment if not the hyperbole.  Of course, he also likes soft, and compliant, and open, and vulnerable - you know - the good stuff.

Lately i've been stuck in my own box, that i built, in my own head.  My thinking being that  I can't excel or be self-reliant or accomplish and do stuff  - and really be submissive.  That i should pretend or act a bit flummoxed or maybe lost, tone it down a bit..... Sort of like playing dumb to get the boys in high school (I sucked at that too).  

Being me doesn't fit well with the image in my head of submissive, much less slave.  I guess that's a big part of why 'slave' doesn't completely fit.  In the end - i don't live only for, by, and through him.  I have however given all of me to him, however he wants me, for as long as he wants me.   And that's What He Wants.  

And - Owned does fit better - I'm His, What He Wants.  

Note to JZ - this one wrote really fast.