bear hunt.....

Mountains, rivers, mud, tall grass, whatever comes along.....  can't go over it, can't go around it,  have to just go through it.  That's what we are doing because it's the only option - just going through it.

Which makes for fairly uninteresting blogging really.  This isn't a parenting blog, or a mental health blog, or even an inspirational, how to live in the moment and be at peace blog.  All of which are really what are consuming our time, energy and focus these days.

But it's the blog I have.

I'm learning that our foundation is so much stronger than i had imagined.

I'm learning that a dominant man needs to be the guy who rises to the occasion, who makes decisions and executes on them, who takes responsibility for the ones in his care, who weighs all the information and then chooses a course. Or at least my husband needs to be that guy.

I'm learning that he also, at the same time and along with all of that decisive responsibility taking, feels the worry and concern and heartbreak and fear.

I'm learning how to be strong and competent and necessary and also submissive and vulnerable and open.  It's different from switching back and forth, it's a harder fit to be all of these, all at once, across contexts, in really hard contexts.  For me in any case.

I'm learning that his owning me is really good - for both of us.  In ways that weren't true before, I can't hide from him, and he has the means to really see me. He also has the means to be seen.

I'm learning that the language of our bodies, of dominance and submission, of sadism and masochism, and control and pain, and sex, is loud and fluent and powerful.

I've learned - again- that the opening he takes, and i have to allow, in order for him to fist me also opens the rest of me to him.

I've learned - again - that there is joy in giving him my body to use - even if that joy looks like bruises and tears and sobbing and snot and cum......

I'm learning that, even though happiness and lightheartedness are not predominant in our life and our household right now, we do find them in moments between us. And, hopefully, we can start to figure out how to bring them out more and more, into our family, our home and our larger lives.