Saturday, February 14, 2015
to the rage
Sometimes i kinda wish i had irl friends to discuss ttwd with. Of course - i don't actually discuss my sex life with my irl friends - never have - so i'm not sure it would make any difference... But.... i wonder, and then i realize that it doesn't really matter what anyone else does or feels. What he wants - that's what matters.....
I sometimes get pissy - cranky, irritable, overwhelmed, stressed, take your pick. Most of the time i work it out and get over myself. Sometimes i don't and it makes me really want pain and sex - to be blunt. But sometimes i get so irritable that i can't stand anyone else, even him. And i can't hide it or fake it. This is the wondering, wish i could talk to other people part - in writing, it seems this doesn't happen to other subs/slaves, or it isn't tolerated so it just doesn't happen, or everyone else has figured out how to keep themselves from getting to this point, or something that i'm missing.
But i am, at those times, so very much not what i'm supposed to be, not what i want to be, not what i've agreed to be, not really who i truly am even. This hit me hard the other day. I didn't want to have to listen to him, or answer him, or have him touch me, or certainly not have him hurt me or arouse me. I wanted to be so very unto just myself. I didn't want to let him in or even acknowledge he was at the door. And that made me so mad at myself - which of course made the pissyness that much worse.
But he forced the issue. I balked, but i have enough sense not to outright disobey. And - lest this sound like fiction - he has enough sense of me to know exactly where i am in my head and what he should do or not do, no matter what he can or may do or not do. Which of course is why i don't disobey, not because he can force or punish, but because i've learned that what he will do is right for me ultimately.
We don't do role playing. But there are different personalities that come out at different times, like all of life i guess. This was the stfu, do what i say, don't even think about not complying, personality. He moved me, and hit me, slapped me, fucked me, It hurt - not in the, "Ooh this is going somewhere nice," way. Not in the - he wants this so i will offer it to him - way. But in the - made me fight back and kick and scream in earnest - way.
I tried to keep up at first, but that wasn't what he was after. He quickly pushed me to mad, then taunted me because my mad was completely useless, didn't matter a bit. Then he upped the pain, hitting places and in ways he doesn't usually. Suddenly i was enraged. I was focused only on trying to get away, and when that didn't work, i focused on fighting him. But he thwarted me - i'm strong, but he's a lot bigger than i am. Which enraged me more. Then more pain, and more being tossed around, and being used and ignored at the same time. I was completely lost in the rage, there was no consciousness, no decision making - like subspace - but very, very loud.
Then he was done. It wasn't for me, or about me. He wanted what he wanted and didn't want to have to dance around to get it. Which, as it turns out, was perfect, because my rage was fueled partly by my own anger at myself for all the things in my head, for my own failings, for my behavior and attitude. I needed him to not dance for me, i needed him to treat me as exactly what i am. His.
In the end, even if it wasn't for me or about me, being His is exactly right for me.