Wednesday, March 4, 2015

tori's first question

Looking back to when you both first started this new journey, how would you say your relationship has improved, strengths etc?

Thank you tori for three excellent questions.   This is a long winded answer to the first one, because yesterday was a day that answered it.  

Last night i was being a little cheeky shall we say during my asking to get into bed.  My husband was a little tired and not in the mood for cheeky.  He threatened to get the dog's leader and leash and pull me for a few laps around the room to get me in line.  I must have made a not altogether penitent noise because he said, "Oh, I see," and asked me if that was actually a fantasy of mine.

That was a really tough one for me.  The day had been one that i spent really wanting, really looking forward to the possibility of some time alone with him. He spent the day driving 6 hours through a snow and ice storm, and work sucks, and other stuff...  I was craving pain and really rough handling, he was absolutely exhausted and on edge.  

I'm getting better, but i still go bad places in my head sometimes when i don't get what i want - i know - not the point in the first place, and not very mature in any case.  The bad place has to do with my doubting that this is good for us, because clearly i want it more than he does, and it's not supposed to be about me, and i'm just forcing him to be weird and kinky, and he would be better off if i would just give it up......Blah, blah.....  I go there a lot less often than i used to, and in fact, until the leash comment i was good yesterday.  He had a horrible day and i did what i could to help.  

But the fantasy question put me off - i didn't want him to think i am so weird, and i didn't want to be so needy.  He forced the issue.  I broke down before i could actually admit to him that it would probably turn me on, admitted my insecurities about being needy and too much for him.

This is the part where I finally answer the question.  He told me that he is so thankful that i took such a huge leap of faith years ago and admitted to him what i thought i wanted, trusted him not to run away or dump me or think of me as perverted.  He told me that he is so incredibly happy with our relationship now - the whole relationship - and that he can't imagine where or how we would be if i hadn't asked.

Sex is just one piece - our sex life before was terrible, and that was because of me.  Submitting fixed that - pretty much instantly.  But the openness and trust and really getting to know one another and really paying attention to one another that this demands has made our relationship stronger and deeper than it was then and than it would be now if we hadn't made this change.  

Tori of course asked for specifics - so - beyond the sex - which isn't trivial, we each talk to the other, i can't hide from him because he won't allow it, and he doesn't hide from me because he now knows i will really listen.  We have ways to resolve things that do come up without power struggles and each of us fighting for our side out of ego and fear.  We can resolve things without lingering resentment, they get resolved and are done.  But i think the biggest improvement, the biggest strength is joy - we each find joy in the other, and we want to bring joy to the other.

So - sappy as hell i know.  Doesn't fit the mold of D/s or M/s or kinkyness or whatever.  But it's the answer.   

12 comments:

  1. What a wonderfully thoughtful answer. It is your life, your D/s, it is working for both of you....sounds like you discovered the perfect mold for you. Bringing each other joy is such wonderful way to put it.....
    hugs abby

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    1. abby,
      Thanks! We've watched close friends who didn't really seem to have any joy in their marriage - it's been a very tough road for them. We've decided it's a worthwhile thing.

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  2. I enjoy reading stories such as yours as it helps validate how I feel about why I submit. Thank you for sharing. DtBHC.

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    1. DtBHC - weclome. And thank you. I think it can be very powerful.

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  3. You have found the balance that works for you and it is obvious that the dynamics of what this life choice brings has strengthened the bond between you both breaking away from what may have been a relationship that had become a ‘to do’ list of existence, practical and functional. There is no correct approach to a D/s marriage, no black or white, no cookie cutter format – you have found what is best for you and with it have come a strengthening of your bond together as two people in love, husband and wife, lover and friend, Master and slave, Dominant and submissive or whatever term you identify with. The strengths in your relationship today are clearly shown throughout the words of your blog and without a doubt demonstrate how moving into a D/s partnership has changed you both, strengthened your connection...and made you happy. A journey such as yours is a pleasure to follow.

    ~SubJane~

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    1. SubJane,
      Welcome here! And thank you. I often feel like this is more a marriage blog than M/s or sex or kinkiness - for us they are so intertwined. I wouldn't trade the form we've grown into though.

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  4. Thanks for the detailed gg

    Sappy? not at all, there is no mold, or imo there isnt, you create what works for you both. I was nodding in agreement, most especially when you spoke of going to bad places in your head..i can relate to that a lot.

    What he said to you re. about being thankful, thats something to hold onto when your perhaps in those places in your head, that he wants and needs this as much as you do.

    x






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    1. That's a good point tori - i really should bookmark this one or something. Because i will end up needing to remind myself of this again i'm sure. Thank you for the great questions.

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  5. Greengirl,

    I think there are many times where the needs and wants don't sync up...but that is just in that moment.
    I think openness and trust and intimacy and connection is a huge part of a power exchange dynamic...so if we were writing an instructional mannual this post should go into it....

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    1. Bleuame - That's a great point - that needs and wants really do match over time - and we do match over time. I can't imagine really participating in a tpe without the deeper connection and openess. thank you.

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  6. Replies
    1. thank you Serenity - it's really good to see you again, how are you?

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