And why do my desires not match my responses? Recently, inside my head i want to surrender more, to have greater expectations, a tighter leash, more discipline. It's a craving i can feel in my skin. In reality i am less and less submissive in actions and demeanor. His requests just make me jumpy and prickly. I'm off more and more just unto myself, managing on my own.
I don't like it when this becomes something larger and more and more powerful - but only in my head - as the reality becomes weaker and further away and it is all very much less real. Why does it do that sometimes?