Monday, April 20, 2015

why - sometimes

Why do i sometimes handle things so differently?  A few days ago, 4 months worth of accumulated caning left me with serious welts and bruises afterwards, but i was off flying and loving it from almost the first stroke.  Yesterday i couldn't manage two days worth - i was crying and fighting and tense and ended up angry more than anything else.

And why do my desires not match my responses?  Recently, inside my head i want to surrender more, to have greater expectations, a tighter leash, more discipline.  It's a craving i can feel in my skin.  In reality i am less and less submissive in actions and demeanor. His requests just make me jumpy and prickly.  I'm off more and more just unto myself, managing on my own.    


I don't like it when this becomes something larger and more and more powerful - but only in my head - as the reality becomes weaker and further away and it is all very much less real.  Why does it do that sometimes?

10 comments:

  1. Because we do. I have heard it talked about at BDSM seminars- it is very normal for your pain tolerance to be different at different times. For men and women, but especially women because pain tolerance is effected by hormone cycles. It is also effected by mood and what kind of day/week you have had.
    As far as the feeling submissive or not, that is also a pretty common thing from what I understand. It happens to me, and when it does I tell him about it. He can often say or do things to me that bring me back into alignment.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you. Goodness knows my hormones are all over the place. I suppose that added on top of a lot of other variables is making this much more difficult recently. Re-alignment sounds good - something for me to work on, and, like you say, to talk about with him.

      Delete
  2. I think sometimes we fight what is in our head.
    In our head, we may want it, more less or new but in reality sometimes, its just easier and feels safer to not push the edges and sometimes, it's like protecting what's in our head from becoming reality...until the switching point of surrender happens.
    Ebb and flow...kink/ttwd isn't always 'do x' to get 'response b'...how we feel and what's going on in life, often affects us, stupidly annoyingly.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think that is a big part of it - one of the variables - safer not to push, to stay where i am. You would think that i would have this figured out - when really - the only part i have figured out is knowing that eventually we will figure it out. thanks.

      Delete
  3. time of the month, external stress, general health... (((hugs))) whatever it is, it sucks xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. YES - all of that - and some plain old changes of getting a little older too i imagine. Thank you.

      Delete
  4. Sounds like Ancilla had a great response...sometimes it just is...and it does suck. In my mind I often want more...then i ask...and think WTF...that is not what i wanted...when really...it is not about what i want to begin with....ARGHHHHH
    hugs abby

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hmm - that's part of it too i think - what's good wanting and what is wanting that has switched to really being the wrong focus? I think that comes along with my being more disconnected, if that makes any sense. Thank you.

      Delete
  5. Round and round we go

    Sir J

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It does seem so - I suppose as long as we keep moving...... Thank you Sir.

      Delete