Sunday, May 31, 2015

equality

Bleuame (blog private - so i'm putting the article link here ) had posted a link to one woman's take on the "mommy bonus" concept.  I talked to my husband about it - actually - i brought it up on a longish car ride (great time for long, random discussions that we don't always have the luxury of time for). The boys were with us (they are 16 and 18 yrs old), so they had some interesting input and perspective also - i think it's fascinating to see how mature some of their ideas on things are, but with room for the color of actual life experience.

My husband had, coincidentally,  read this NY Times article about the same thing.  This one is longer, and not at all a defense of the mommy-bonus thing.  It is, as stated explicitly in the article, a view of a very, very specific subset of SAHM's, a subset i wouldn't qualify for if i wanted to.

For background - i do work.  I don't have nearly the income my husband does - my occupation is not a lucrative one, but has value for the people i serve.  My husband insists that i work, for a number of reasons, including that value.  We made and continue to re-evaluate the decision for me to work, and the specifics and implicationbs of what that entails, very carefully and intentionally.

For further information: i struggle with the stay at home vs. work outside the home as much as anyone.  I think the 'mommy wars' is unbelievably destructive and also stupid.  I do feel the censure and disapproval from many directions for my (our) choice, so this should not be construed as a criticism of stay-at-home-mothering!!!  IT IS NOT.

There are so very many words in my head about this whole mommy bonus thing, and even more words about the NYT's article - the gender segregation, the pitting of one group against the other (husbands vs. wives) and the resultant power differential....  but, in the end, i have boiled it down to a completely self-evident and too obvious conclusion - --

--- the only way i can genuinely give him power over me is if each of us wholeheartedly believes we are equal to begin with.  

I know - duh!  But whether it's some tiny micro-culture that dictates the inequality, or religion, or a much larger society, or just that the guy you are with is a misogynist and you buy it also - i don't think that allows for a full exchange of power.


13 comments:

  1. The mommy or wife bonus is a funny concept to me. I can't say I really get it, but I am far from an elite Manhattan-ite even though I do not work outside the home. I do work on the internet now, but I make very small money, and not a lot of hours. Mostly I take care of the home and kids. Without my Master's income we'd be broke very quickly. It was both of our choices to have me be a stay at home mom while the kids were little. Now that he wants me to work again it has been very difficult looking for work. All the money here belongs to my Master, so if I want to buy things other than groceries and gas I have to ask. It doesn't bother me, I enjoy the control he has.

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    1. I couldn't get my head around either article's description of the concept. Money is one area he hasn't really exerted control - i think we always had a very functional system - i'm not really a big spender, and bigger purchases have always been discussed. I guess it hasn't interested him to change that. I believe that any choice has it's hard sides; trying to re-enter the work force after a time would be tough. I hope it gets easier for you.

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  2. finally got round to skim reading that article. sounds like having an allowance - money above and beyond housekeeping money. nothing new with that. Although all the language she was using to talk about it and justify it - yeah, I didn't relate.

    'the only way i can genuinely give him power over me is if each of us wholeheartedly believes we are equal to begin with.'

    I COMPLETELY AGREE! and what's more, we remain equal. He just has the authority, that's all. Our roles may be different, but they are of equal importance to the relationship - to use the Captain/first mate analogy, we need each other, neither of us can be our role or do our part without the other being theirs.

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    1. Thanks - i know that should be obvious - something about that second article made it jump out at me. I think in the end i couldn't relate to either article because they seemed so much about entitlement - not about the family. I'm not really all about having stuff though - perhaps i would feel differetly if that were important to me.

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  3. I read the article and it just screamed to me of entitlement, that she deserved it, and i cant quite get my head around the concept of that to be honest.

    Regardless of being in the type of relationship im in, me working or not working has always been my decision and i have had his support when i was working and now that im not, his only insistence is that i do something productive as its not like i have young children to look after, so i volunteer in a charity shop 3 times a week.

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    1. Yea - i couldn't get my head around them either. It is such an individual thing, workign vs. not, who decides, etc - in this world and the vanilla i think (really - this is an area they cross a good deal i think). I also think there are different right choices for differnt people.

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  4. Wow... I am not sure what to think of either article really. As someone who has always had a well paying career I can't even wrap my head around the idea of being paid to be a mom. As a mom, who raised her child single-handledly and maintained my career as I did so... I am flabbergasted. I was rather put off by the woman in the first article who said getting paid a mommy bonus made her a better parent... a better parent in relation to what (and/or who).

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    1. I think it is too easy for the work that mother's do and how that contributes to the family and even to the husband's career (in traditional arrangements) is too easily devalued, i just don't see how the bonus thing could be felt as anything but patronizing or like paying off a spoiled brat. Thanks for commenting.

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  5. Don't really get it, unless the money is put aside for something practical that no one actually talks about. If O paid mouse to to stay home with the kids, it would still be coming out of his salary, which is our only income. Now if he took the money we would be shelling out for daycare or whatever, and put it into a college or retirement or even vacation fund mouse really wouldn't care -- but also wouldn't call it her bonus.

    Guess at the end of the day, whatever works and makes them happy.

    Hugs,
    mouse


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    1. I didn't get it either - he has always insisted that things be arranged so that i would not be in a bad postion if anything happened to him - but the money he brings in goes to the family needs and that seems like what it should be. thanks.

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  6. Loved hearing your thoughts. There is so much about these concepts that bother me. Your point about equality resonates with me as well. I don't think it is an exchange of anything, unless you know what you are exchanging or giving up.

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    1. Thank you for starting an interesting discussion. I couldn't find either article as anything but demeaning - and the fact that the women themselves wanted that kinda blows my mind. Like I said - i prefer our version of power differential.

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  7. I think I can offer some insight into the world these articles are about. I'm exposed to these types of women due to the nature of where we live, who I come into contact with and work functions of my hubby I have to attend. I want to say in no way do I participate in this mentality. They exist in a world of vain, superficial opulence. While they are home with their children rarely do they raise them. They utilize daycare and for the truly affluent, nanny's. Their husbands are rarely active and present in the home and relationships. If they bother to come home for dinner many have personal chef's or a service that provides complete home cooked meals you just have to warm. Their days are spent in the gym or spa and they will stab you in the back for a juicy piece of gossip. They are only as good as their trainer's, fillers and botox can take them. They have a predetermined expiration date. It's a unspoken rule. The bonuses are given more to save face in the community and for the most part given by husband's to atone for indiscretions & wrongdoing thru the year. It's a life of loneliness and sadness prettied up and sparkly to appear as though there's some real substance behind it.

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