Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Sex

There - I said it

I was talking with somone who I know in a very specific context the other day and dropped a rather tame but obvious sexual reference into the conversation. He mentioned that this was a little out of character for me, which struck me as funny. But, in thinking about it, I really am comfortable making any sort of innuendo with a very few people. And speaking about sex directly is very difficult for me. I said so in my introduction to this blog, and in conversations with this gentleman, had never ventured this direction before. So, of course, I needed to figure out why this is and if it is an issue - or just is. I came to a few conclusions, but certainly have not fully figured it out.

A few factors are easy. First of all, it just plain isn't an appropriate subject all the time or everywhere, period. Also, there are people who are able to write about the desire, the acts, the feelings, the whole thing in beautiful, or ironic, or humourous ways, and these are a pleasure to read. Then there are the writers for whom the same subject matter becomes high school locker room or college frat house. I have no confidence I would be able to avoid sounding like the latter. I write technical writing in my world, and am far too self conscious to bridge the gap yet between the mechanical and the emotional/erotic.

My discomfort with discussing sex one-on-one or more publicly also has roots in my past, and of course stem from discomforts with the subject itself, not just the discussion of the subject. I have consciously, un-consciously, and with most every fiber of my being resisted letting anyone have power over me, including and especially when it comes to sex. This has of course led to lots of thoughts about how I suddenly end up as the 's' part of the D/s equation. (A post for another day, oddly enough it involves vampires).

I have learned over and over again that everyone has a story, and truly, "comparisons are odious." I am really awfully fortunate and also, all things considered, fairly unscathed. I avoided many of the possible tragedies that frequently end such stories. Most importantly, I did not marry the wrong kind of man, I married exactly the right man. And now I have become able to relinquish this power to him, as long as he doesn't want me to talk about it in any detail that is. But I do have trouble talking about it with him, and this is where the whole thing probably qualifies as an issue. He is taking cetain steps to encourage me to be more comfortable expressing myself, and, not to put too fine a point on it, I am discovering I really like the doing, so the discussing is getting easier.

15 comments:

  1. gg,

    The talking about sex is never easy--and I'm totally envious of people that can just blurt out whatever they have on their minds. I have issues with it discussing certain things with Omega. Sometimes he'll text me, or even call on the phone to get me discuss things I should be able to talk with him about.

    In my blog I don't go into a lot of overt detail mostly because Omega knows the details already, and my blog is really first, for him. I see it as a way of just letting him in further into my thoughts, than I might be comfortable with saying out loud.

    mouse

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  2. Ha! I have a post waiting to be posted that says:

    Spank...

    There, I said it.

    I noticed in your profile you're from the midwest-- and I am too. Maybe it's in our origin. :)

    I have noticed that in my corner of the midwest propriety is far more revered than elsewhere in the country. To delve into subjects like sex, politics or religion can at times be precarious business. It's a culture that learns to take things personally. And if people don't say hello when passing you on the street, it's probably because they don't want to be intrusive, rather than an attempt at rudeness.

    That's not to say that they're never friendly at all, or that they are complete prudes-- because that's not the case. But, if you're raised in that culture it's far more likely that your parents changed the channel if there was too much skin showing on the TV. Maybe sex was called beautiful in discussion, but it wasn't necessarily treated as such. So, there's a lot more sheltering in the formative years in general. That was my experience anyhow-- and I get all stumbly when talking about anything other than missionary with John... let alone others.

    On top of that-- sexuality as a subject of conversation takes a level of self-confidence in our own desirability in many cases. You mentioned earlier that you don't often feel confident in that realm (me neither-- evidence of my bizarreness in this matter is included in last night's post). If this is true for you, maybe making the joke to the man is indicative of your growing self confidence. Not a bad thing at all.

    So, I have no idea what your whole story is... but... I can relate to the feelings that you explained in your blog, and that is my hypothesis about how ended up where I did.

    Also, mouse-- I agree. The blogging helps open up communication.

    Great post-- really got me thinking.
    Sorry about the opus. Apparently I had a lot to say.

    --JMD

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  3. greengirl, I have to say I'm curious about the vampires... :)

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  4. Mouse,
    I haven't progressed to texting or on the phone yet - still too real for some things - for those I still use my other blog. But, over time, there are fewer posts there and more direct conversations, and posts here. so - this one is likely never to have a lot of overt details - as you say, he knows those already. But there are some things that surprise me, that i feel a need to wonder about.

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  5. JMD - I am sorry I stole your thunder. That's another word that doesn't quite fall trippingly off my tongue either though.

    I did grow up in and, a few years sojourns in the south and northeast notwithstanding, have always lived in the midwest. Add 12 yrs of parochial school to give that culture a special twist, and yes, openess wasn't exactly nurtured. And I'm sure that lack of self confidence plays a part as well - how'd you get to be so wise?

    Some of the other influences from my past are more complex, but knowing they are there makes them easier to detour.

    And - i like to read - so opus away.

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  6. Ally,
    I promise to post that soon. Even my husband is quite curious at this pont.

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  7. Get on that post! No kidding, woman! I'm a paranormal romance junkie so this sounds right up my alley!

    I know what you mean about worrying about the voice, tho'. I'm ok with putting out the stuff that has humor in it but if it hasn't, I am VERY nervous about sharing my writing. (My greatest fear is to be judged puerile.)

    But that is very cool that you're able to decrease the private blogging and increase the real talk time! I am SO waving my pom-poms for you!

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  8. Patience is a virtue - are you not virtuous? I was going to bring Poe into the story too - but it gets too long that way.

    Your writings are some of what I had in mind when I wrote about sex being portrayed humorously but well. And - yea - it is nice to be able to talk face to face more. Still a ways to go tho.

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  9. JMD - I should clarify - spank is the word that doesn't flow off my tongue just yet. I can manage apologies when warrented

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  10. I agree with mouse... I'm totally envious of those people who can talk about sex and stuff so openly. I just have such a hard time with it... granted a lot of my issues with it come from sex abuse as a kid, but still. When you can't even talk about certain things with your own husband, that can kinda make you feel inadequate.

    spirited

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  11. Spirited,
    Absolutely. Things that happened in the past shape the present, but for some reason, now, rather than fall back on the way I have always dealt with it (ignore and forge ahead my own way) I am rying something new. I know what you mean about feeling like somepone thinks you are inadequate, but it sounds like your husband doesn't think that.

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  12. No... he doesn't think I'm inadequate at all, and he's really trying to help me become for comfortable with that aspect of myself. It's still really hard though.

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  13. Vampires? Hmmm, the Carpathians kinda helped my boat down the river but I digress.

    Of all things the fundamentalists believed, they felt we should understand anatomy. Go figure. That plus the relentless preaching about submission pushed us all in the direction of married sex being home base free from sin. Olly Olly Oxen Free!! Jopefully fleshing your feelings out here will make it easier to communicate them with your husband.

    Now, except for my blog and close friends I actually think it is unseemly to discuss anything relating to sex. I have a patented whithering glance I use when someone alludes to a 'blue' topic.

    It must be the midwest 'girl' thing.

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  14. Vampires? Hmmm, the Carpathians kinda helped my boat down the river but I digress.

    Of all things the fundamentalists believed, they felt we should understand anatomy. Go figure. That plus the relentless preaching about submission pushed us all in the direction of married sex being home base free from sin. Olly Olly Oxen Free!! Jopefully fleshing your feelings out here will make it easier to communicate them with your husband.

    Now, except for my blog and close friends I actually think it is unseemly to discuss anything relating to sex. I have a patented whithering glance I use when someone alludes to a 'blue' topic.

    It must be the midwest 'girl' thing.

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  15. CD - I would love to hear your bloodsucker/alternative lifestyle story.

    I happen to agree that married sex indeed should be and is a wide open home base - but only if everything is freely given and not coerced or forced. It is still possible to be un-loving and imo sinful in that context.

    It's interesting you mention learning anatomy. As a corrollary to my thoughts about my discomfort with talking about sex is our (my husband and me) effort to decide how adn how much and when to teach our children about sex. I, of course, want them to aviod the hang ups but to have a perfectly healthy and balanced attitude. Wish us luck.

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