Thursday, October 1, 2009

Transformations

How women feel about their bodies has been much pondered on various pages here in this little space of blog world. But this little space is in reality people all over the world, and body image and self esteem are universal enough that they are discussed in forums from fancy academic jornals to grocery store check out magazine racks. So I am hardly alone in the very deep seated belief that, whatever else I do or am or achieve, there is a large aspect of myself that I feel is completely unacceptable. And the kicker is that this is the aspect experienced first and formost in the real world, where one is physically present and appearances are inevitably part of the equation of any interaction. (Sort of an upside to this blog world, eh?)

I am able to see in myself many of the connections from my past to my currrent ways of thinking or being, but I have no idea where such a deep seated dissatisfaction, dislike, often loathing for my body comes from. I know intellectually that it is irrational. Of course my body is not perfect, but it is also not the totality of me, and in fact my imperfections don't impact my ability to function at all. So why then is so much of my sense of self, my self esteem, my conceptualization of me wrapped up in that which doesn't actually impact my ability to do.

The area where this issue is most and least irrational is with my husband. I know he loves me for all of me, but I care far more how he perceives my body than anyone else. Far more than anyone else, I want him to find me attractive, to be impressed. The fact that I feel so deeply that what I'm offering to him is unacceptable means that I am very reluctant to offer it. I don't really want him to look at me, or touch me, or feel me. I couldn't imagine why or how he would really want to. This thing in me has had such a warping influence on our relationship for so long.

My decision to submit to him, even though I had no idea to call it such and have so much yet to figure out and learn, has fundametally transformed our relationship. In giving up the option to be reluctant, to refuse, the way is open for him to look and touch and feel and experience and do. And his touch, and his doing are getting through to me where years of telling couldn't. My body hasn't changed. If i'm honest, my perceptions of my body haven't changed - I still don't like it - but now I believe that he does. Maybe my believing is a transformation that will happen over time, maybe it never will and knowing he is pleased and enjoying will be enough, because it's really an awful lot.

16 comments:

  1. I dunno, gg, I hadn't realized all the little ways I was changing or taking on O's particular view (though I will NEVER watch FOX news and like it).

    Maybe it's kinda the same for you? Maybe one day you'll wake up, start writing something and you'll realize your perceptions have changed a little?

    mouse

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  2. Mouse,
    Thanks. I do hope he can have that deep an influence. I guess the first step was letting him close enough.

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  3. I think often we don't realize the influence because it's so subtle at times. It just flies over our heads. At least it flew over my head...LOL

    mouse

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  4. Mouse,
    In your blog you do an awfully nice job of talking about his influence on you - so I don't think they are all flying over your head.
    He's tried a few very non-subtle nudges - we'll see where those go. But yes - we've been together almost 20 years, and we have certainly influenced each other in good, and probably some not so good, ways. This one has floored me because when i decided to change the way I respond to him, I never expected it to end up changing me. So little did I know. Now I expect that there will be a lot of changes to come.

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  5. oh, my.
    Now you're singing MY song...

    It *is* nice when you can look at his face and know he believes it, tho', isn't it?

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  6. Jz,
    It is about the best thing in the world.

    and i promise - no more singing - or dancing.

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  7. This is incredibly heartening; to read of your progress. I think there is so much good to come in your life. I will enjoy watching it all unfold.

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  8. Vesta,
    Thank you. And you'll be happy to know - we went out to dinber last night and i wore an actual skirt. Comes to my ankles - but it's even a little, tiny bit, twirly.

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  9. gg-
    You go, girl.

    Vesta-
    High Five!

    J.

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  10. it's nice to see the submissive glee club in full force.

    gg - change always has a cascading effect and it is often hard to see in advance all the areas it will touch.

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  11. Sir J,
    I am learning that, and trying to keep an open mind.

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  12. Good for you! If some days are better than others, by the way, that's normal. As long as you are going in the right direction overall.

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  13. How wonderful, by simply saying yes, you are experiencing the joy of being actively desired. Soon, you will discover many smaller preferences of his. There is satisfaction and happiness in pleasing someone else. I cannot tell you why but his satisfaction will continue to make you feel better and better.

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  14. CD - this has been a wonderful discovery. thank you

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  15. I have known many women who did not have a clue as to how beautiful they were. I also think they don't believe it's the whole package that men are interested in. I'm sure your husband thinks you are beautiful inside and out.

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  16. Mick,
    I think there are plenty of sources bombarding women with the notion that the whole package is nothing, that only specifics, and only perfection in in those are worthwhile. We, or I at least, need to work to remind myself that my husband isn't everyone else, and is not that type, not that one dimensional. Thank you.

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