Monday, March 22, 2010

I screwed up.

I got up out of bed and went to sleep on the sofa because I didn't want to sleep next to my husband. Neither of us has ever done that before. I didn't think about it, I just needed to be not near him. I didn't consider that it would really bother him. But it did, enormously.

A lot of poor choices and mis-communication got us to the point that I felt that way, and a lot of fears and misunderstandings are being uncovered trying to reconcile.

This new dynamic has improved our relationship immensely, but when things go wrong, I feel like they go much worse, like falling from a higher place or like something highly tuned to go fast or powerfully which is easily derailed by the smallest bump. The bumps also scare me because the reactions and feelings and ways of interacting that we had grown past all come flooding back, and are ugly and bitter to me. That was the risk of starting this, that if it failed, if we failed, we would return to the way things had been, only to find them no longer so palatable.

My husband disagrees. He feels that the same advantages that make this dynamic work typically, make us more resiliant to the bumps, not less so. I want to see it that way. He wants me to see it that way. In order to do that, I need to figure out what is keeping me from believing this.


  1. aw (((hugs))) i too tend to have this flight response... it's lucky we don't have a room for a spare room really, as I'd flounce off there far to often and (for me) it's about avoidance, so it dosn't actually get us anywhere, plus it really really does hurt my husband - naturally, I mean it would hurt me deeply if he did that.

    For me the issues were ones dating back years that (i think) we've finally sorted... we're also much better - he is much better - at identifying when things are going wrong, and tackling them and turning them round, and I'm better at this too, and we're both better at responding to the other one who is trying to turn it round!

    things are much better now... we both tend to 'sulk' - ie, go quite, withdraw, flounce off, however you want to put it - so we'd make each other quite miserable!

  2. Here's my take on this.

    You become closer together-- more intermeshed --more interdepenant.

    When things go wrong -- you naturally feel it more strongly.


    Trust each other

    it'll get better...great rewards involve great risk



  3. This comment has been removed by the author.

  4. It's perfectly normal to need space at times... but when it's fear causing you to pull away (as it did me just last week... I was determined to sleep in the spare room) pulling away can actually make you more fearful. I understand that need to suddenly pull away, though... it's a very powerful urge.

    I can understand him feeling hurt and possibly rejected, but it really wasn't him that you were pulling away from. It was your own fears. Maybe if he realizes this for next time he'll be able to pull you back in immediately so that you can talk about what's upsetting you.

    And I completely understand your fear about returning to the way things were before... I'm going to say something here that might get me into trouble. For him, I would say going back to that would probably not be an issue. The dynamic will settle itself in your relationship regardless of what you both do or don't do... it's a natural part of who you both are and your relationship. So it's going to be there regardless of how you decide to label it... even if you choose to label it "vanilla".

    The thing is, though, I've been there. I've tried to go back to the vanilla life and for me it didn't work. My mistake is that I tried to deny my submissive nature... and I think if you two were to choose to go back to what you had before based purely on your fear, you'd have a very similar issue... and it would cause a lot of resentment on your part.

    So for him it might work... for you... maybe not. It would honestly depend on whether or not you are willing and able to embrace "you" regardless of your dynamics in your relationship. Not living this lifestyle with your husband won't make you any less submissive and you will still have those feelings and urges regardless.

    Also... as much as you two seem to love each other and as well as you seem to work together, I can't imagine you "failing" at this. Sure there will be bumps, there will be times you're more scared than you ever imagined possible, and there will be times when you just want to say "screw this... I've had enough". Hell I still feel that way at times. But those are the times when you really need to open up and talk... or write if talking isn't an option at that time.

    The more you communicate with each other, the easier it will be... and once you get through that fear things will just feel so much more incredible.



  5. Dear greengirl, this is for you:

    Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.


    Hugs, cassie

  6. Mamacrow,
    The avoidance response certainly didn't help in this case. We have a ways to go learning to head things off before they go too far. I guess this wil be part of that learning. Thanks.

    I think you are absolutely right, especially the interdependant part.

    Thank you. It was interesting that for the time that I was really upset, and mostly just not knowing where things were going, everything felt different. Stupid chores that wouldn't have bothered me, made me resentful, things he said made me angry, where they wouldn't have before. On some level it really is all symantics, so why should it matter - but it somehow does, and i really don't want to go back.

    So - i'm curious - why do you think it would work for him either way - but not for me?

    That's a good thing to be reminded of - thank you.

  7. Well it's not so much that you couldn't make it work either way... only that if you decided it wasn't working because of some fear that, that fear would sit with you and cause problems for you.

    For instance if you both just decided it wasn't working for you and went back to the way things were you would probably be fine.

    But if for instance you were to decide to go back to the way things were before because something frightened you about the changes you were seeing in yourself, then that would stay with you. Eventually you'd have to face that fear or it could end up being a problem for you even if you go back to the way things were before. It could even cause anger and resentment toward your husband even though he essentially did nothing to cause it.

    It really all depends on your mindset and reason for wanting to go back, you know? As far as your husband is concerned, he seems pretty content with either way, which is why he doesn't think it would make a difference either way.

    I don't know if I'm making any sense. It's late here... so if I've confused you more I'll try and explain better in the morning. LOL



  8. When a lot of noise, after aggravating you for a lengthy period of time, comes to a halt you enjoy a time of peace and quiet. But then it only takes a little noise to disrupts that peace and quiet. And that little noise often seems like a lot of noise.

  9. gg,
    First of all let me say that I am amazed that this was the first time one of you has gotten up to sleep somewhere else. I've had those same feelings, I think the when someone/something good fills in a bigger part of your life, naturally the absence leaves a greater void. I also know that when I am feeling unsure or scared I revert back to old ways of handling things because at least I know what to expect. Not saying that's good, it's something I have to grow more aware of. I've also had some trepidation about what it would be like to stop what we started, would I feel like something is missing? I'll let you how it all pans out since that is exactly what we are doing, at least for a while.
    Just my opinion, I think that whether the dynamic makes you more or less resiliant depends entirely on the two individuals and how things are handled. The feeling of losing that closeness feels much more drastic, hurts more deeply, it's hard in the middle of it to think this must be a good thing. I hope things get better for you soon and start to make sense.

  10. BabyMan, That is a really good way of imagining it. And I hate noise!

    I really hope you two are able to work things through, however ends up being the right way.