I got up out of bed and went to sleep on the sofa because I didn't want to sleep next to my husband. Neither of us has ever done that before. I didn't think about it, I just needed to be not near him. I didn't consider that it would really bother him. But it did, enormously.
A lot of poor choices and mis-communication got us to the point that I felt that way, and a lot of fears and misunderstandings are being uncovered trying to reconcile.
This new dynamic has improved our relationship immensely, but when things go wrong, I feel like they go much worse, like falling from a higher place or like something highly tuned to go fast or powerfully which is easily derailed by the smallest bump. The bumps also scare me because the reactions and feelings and ways of interacting that we had grown past all come flooding back, and are ugly and bitter to me. That was the risk of starting this, that if it failed, if we failed, we would return to the way things had been, only to find them no longer so palatable.
My husband disagrees. He feels that the same advantages that make this dynamic work typically, make us more resiliant to the bumps, not less so. I want to see it that way. He wants me to see it that way. In order to do that, I need to figure out what is keeping me from believing this.