It's supposed to - that's what I asked for... what, a year ago now.
But this was different - my position, whatever he was doing, turned out differently.
I didn't know, I knew, but I didn't know. I don't think he knew - how could he?
It changed me, or I was changed, or it shifted my mind somehow. I think that, instead of thinking I was feeling, instead of planning I was waiting, instead of trying I was listening and reaching to sense him. It's fuzzy, it didn't get written to memory the usual way.
Feeling and sensing don't leave room for should I or shouldn't I? Or how should I? Or why? Or, what must he think? The only option is to react. What the body does, what the mind does without censoring.
But why did it leave me on the edge of tears afterwards? Tentative, raw, withdrawn?