It hurt.
It's supposed to - that's what I asked for... what, a year ago now.
But this was different - my position, whatever he was doing, turned out differently.
I didn't know, I knew, but I didn't know. I don't think he knew - how could he?
It changed me, or I was changed, or it shifted my mind somehow. I think that, instead of thinking I was feeling, instead of planning I was waiting, instead of trying I was listening and reaching to sense him. It's fuzzy, it didn't get written to memory the usual way.
Feeling and sensing don't leave room for should I or shouldn't I? Or how should I? Or why? Or, what must he think? The only option is to react. What the body does, what the mind does without censoring.
But why did it leave me on the edge of tears afterwards? Tentative, raw, withdrawn?
Just girl to girl, you have my sympathy for feeling hurt. That is not a feeling that we want to have. I imagine that even the 1 1/2hrs since you wrote this post, you've been doing a lot of thinking, and as time goes on it will be easier to put everything into some kind of perspective, so that you can not only sort out your feelings, but also plan a course of action. One that will benefit, you, him and of course both of you together. Most likely that will include talking about your feelings, actions, reaction, his actions, reaction and his feelings. Best Wishes and warm hugs,-Elysia
ReplyDeleteplaying with pain is a complicated mixture of many changing elements and each time we do it, it comes out differently, sometimes pain hurts.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry it hurt.
As with most things the course of action is to include him in your processing and trying to understand. The worst thing you can do not is shut him out.
:-/
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry.
It stinks any time you have any kind of disconnect like that. Unexpected bumpy ones are even worse.
You'll work through it together, tho', I"m sure.
Three comments before me said everything I wanted to say. So I won't repeat, just offer gentle soothing hugs.
ReplyDeletehugs,
mouse
Elysia, Jz, Sir J, Mouse - Thank you for your concern, it's kind of amazing, and reassuring. I think the hurt isn't what hurts - if that makes any sense. It's how I responded - and I'm not sure that is really a hurt thing either. I think that my response took me by surprise and frightened me a good deal. I'm not sure this was a bad place for us to go. As you say - we have a lot to talk about - but I think it had to do with me letting go more that ever before.
ReplyDelete"but I think it had to do with me letting go more that ever before."
ReplyDeleteAhhhh this is something I can relate to. I've felt that way more in the past few months, than I have in a long time. As time passes, the feelings are easier to accept and process.
Hugs again,
mouse
It really does have a way of bringing up a lot of emotions. Sometimes stuff you didn't even know was there and it can get very overwhelming. As normal as it may be... it is really scary and confusing too. It will sort itself out soon. Make sure you both keep the communication going. It really helps. *hugs*
ReplyDeletespirited
Mouse,
ReplyDeleteIt's just a small scale for me - but awfully different for me also. I think that this won't be the last time so hopefully it will become less startling.
Spirited,
Thank you, we have started figuring it out, and I'm sure we will keep on. He does say it makes him happy for me to feel more and especially to think less sometimes.
I don't have much different to add - just joining the chorus.
ReplyDeleteTalk to him
Do a 'correction of errors' if you will --
Sometimes things go badly
but this has the chance to make you even closer as you work through this
I don't have much different to add - just joining the chorus.
ReplyDeleteTalk to him
Do a 'correction of errors' if you will --
Sometimes things go badly
but this has the chance to make you even closer as you work through this
SFP,
ReplyDeleteThank you - we have been talkign - i think this was a good thing - or at least a necessary step - which just took me too much by surprise.
Sometimes, it's the release of a memory of an emotion. Our bodies store emotional memory and sometimes that just gets released.
ReplyDeleteWhat made me think of this is your sentence "but why did it leave me on the edge of tears afterwards? Tentative, raw..." For me, a big clue about release of the memory of an emotion (as opposed to feeling or having an emotional experience) is that sense of "why? why am I feeling like this?"
If that makes sense to you, then my advice with any kind of release is to just let it go. You no longer need it (why it was released). There is no back story, no logic, nothing reasonable. It simply is.
And what you said before that "I wasn't thinking, I was feeling, instead of planning, I was waiting".. that's mindfulness and living in the present moment -- both perfect conditions for release.
Then again, this might strike you as such New Age nonsense. smile My defense remains that it's 4000 years old New Age...
Doll,
ReplyDeleteI hadn't considered the possibility that my strange reaction was relatd to memories, or anything deeper from my past. After talking about it with my husband, I do think it was very much because it was the first time I had ever completely let go and had no thoughts about being on guard, or being responsible for what was happening, or - well - really "back seat driving." I hadn't been trying for that - but something clicked and that part of me turned off.
I'm not anti- new age (ancient age), nor particularly familiar with what you are talking about here specifically. I tend to view things as all being part of some bigger truth that I can't wrap my head around in its entirety. It does seem plausible that there are many, many reasons why I have never let go in this way before; I can think of a few without any digging. So I do think that something released at that moment. And I do tend to prefer to live by learning from what has gone before, but moving forward rather than staying mired in it.