I know that my progress in this whole thing is only skin deep. I know this because I know what goes on inside my head - what lies beyond skin deep.
I do try to go along with what he says, and I succeed to greater or lesser degrees. But that's the skin deep - the final action/outcome, the response. If he says, "Do X" - I may feel this way or another way about doing X - but I will do it (or not) anyhow. The response involves choices - step on the brake vs. the accelerator, swing or let it go and risk the strike, comply or choose not to. This obviously "counts."
I think that the immediate thought/emotion/first impulse one has about something really doesn't "count." It is like a physical reflex, they happen whether you want them to or not. They are important and very informative as to our state of mind (or body/health). We can't really supress them entirely, but they can be influenced by our state of being beforehand, and we can act to avoid expressing them. But the absence of reflexes indicates a serious problem in the system somewhere. So - I do think it makes sense to study the reflexive feelings/emotions/thoughts: I should ask why I feel the way i do, what issues or barriers are present and what can be done about that. But I don't think I should be held accountable for them - only for my response in spite of them.
Beyond these though, there are parts of my brian or other levels of my thinking about which I am not so sure. It's the endless analysis of why he has asked or done what he has. What are the ramificatin of the whole thing on me? On him? How would my action or inaction impact him? How do I want it to impact him? It's the same way one examines one's interactions with students or children or patients.
On the one hand, it is maybe self aware - self examination and intentionality are good, right? And the goal is truly most often with the other person's interest in mind, how to make things easier, to protect him from worry, to save him the trouble. But it is also somewhat patronizing towards him. It's a kind of mind game, and ultimately, it's effect is manipulation of the other person, no matter the intention behind it. The real leap of faith would be to just comply or not, or maybe first to work to identify the barriers to action- overcome them - then do or don't do.
It's this sort of thinking that I don't know about. First and foremost - I don't know if I really could shut it off, although - if I really try - I can override it. Also - should I - is it useful, natural, generally good? Or is it just manipulative or a sign of serious doubt? It does keep me from coming to him with questions or concerns, or desires because I want to protect him from the trouble of it. But I suppose the question is - should I really be thinking about protecting him, or just trust that he can and will manage.
See what I mean - not so much change in myself if you look further than skin deep.