I know that my progress in this whole thing is only skin deep. I know this because I know what goes on inside my head - what lies beyond skin deep.
I do try to go along with what he says, and I succeed to greater or lesser degrees. But that's the skin deep - the final action/outcome, the response. If he says, "Do X" - I may feel this way or another way about doing X - but I will do it (or not) anyhow. The response involves choices - step on the brake vs. the accelerator, swing or let it go and risk the strike, comply or choose not to. This obviously "counts."
I think that the immediate thought/emotion/first impulse one has about something really doesn't "count." It is like a physical reflex, they happen whether you want them to or not. They are important and very informative as to our state of mind (or body/health). We can't really supress them entirely, but they can be influenced by our state of being beforehand, and we can act to avoid expressing them. But the absence of reflexes indicates a serious problem in the system somewhere. So - I do think it makes sense to study the reflexive feelings/emotions/thoughts: I should ask why I feel the way i do, what issues or barriers are present and what can be done about that. But I don't think I should be held accountable for them - only for my response in spite of them.
Beyond these though, there are parts of my brian or other levels of my thinking about which I am not so sure. It's the endless analysis of why he has asked or done what he has. What are the ramificatin of the whole thing on me? On him? How would my action or inaction impact him? How do I want it to impact him? It's the same way one examines one's interactions with students or children or patients.
On the one hand, it is maybe self aware - self examination and intentionality are good, right? And the goal is truly most often with the other person's interest in mind, how to make things easier, to protect him from worry, to save him the trouble. But it is also somewhat patronizing towards him. It's a kind of mind game, and ultimately, it's effect is manipulation of the other person, no matter the intention behind it. The real leap of faith would be to just comply or not, or maybe first to work to identify the barriers to action- overcome them - then do or don't do.
It's this sort of thinking that I don't know about. First and foremost - I don't know if I really could shut it off, although - if I really try - I can override it. Also - should I - is it useful, natural, generally good? Or is it just manipulative or a sign of serious doubt? It does keep me from coming to him with questions or concerns, or desires because I want to protect him from the trouble of it. But I suppose the question is - should I really be thinking about protecting him, or just trust that he can and will manage.
See what I mean - not so much change in myself if you look further than skin deep.
green girl,
ReplyDeleteI think one of the HARDEST things for me was to learn that O needed all those thoughts (good, bad, indifferent). Without knowing them or being let in, he wasn't achieving his potential and I wasn't living up to mine.
Once I got over the initial worry about bombarding him with what I viewed as trivial thoughts he started changing how he dealt with me. I saw that he was more in command and able to handle my most girlie of moods.
Call it fight or flight, knee-jerk, or whatever, they're all natural. Trusting that he can handle the instant yes, or no, or even maybe is different, complex and hard.
You want to save him from worrying about what you're thinking, but what if you're causing him more worry but hiding those thoughts from him? How does it make him feel? I'm sure if the thought is a small one of little importance, he could blow it off. But I would think he'd become uncertain of the course to take. Should I go left or right? Input from you doesn't make everything perfect, but it does clue him in on what direction he's comfortable with taking, knowing that you're in a good place with it all.
I'm sure you'll be talking to him about this....
Hugs,
mouse
A- What mouse said.
ReplyDeleteB- When you figure out how to stop yourself thinking, DOoooo inform me!
Seriously, I don't know how you shut off an analytical mind. Do they even want us to? Maybe they like the fact that we analyze, just that they'd prefer we share the summary only, rather than every little step, or none of the process at all.
Dunno. Not sure there's a good answer to be found.
GG,
ReplyDeleteFirst a warning. I've read your post twice and my mind has wandered each time because I'm running on way to little sleep and way to much caffeine and self discipline just now, but I think I understood your point. For the most part you and your hubby seem to work in a way similar to us my Ladies and I. You are not a "Slave", or a "Doll", you are an intelligent female adult that chooses to obey her man, and expects he will conduct himself in a specific fashion. That being the case, let me say that I simply expect that as intelligent adults, the Ladies use good judgement in what they bring to me, and when. I keep them fairly well advised of what my situation is as far as work and schedule, and they choose when to bring to my attention whatever it is they want to discuss. Obviously a variety of factors are considered. I was called at work recently because one of the Ladies was offered concert tickets for about 15% of retail price, but there was a limited number available. "Yes or no, sir?" Not really a critical decision, but it had to be made immediately. On the other hand, One was offered some X rated modeling work once, and didn't bring it up for two days. She had a month to answer, so she waited until she got home that night. But I came home sick and exhausted so she let it slide until after work the next night, because even though we both thought it was an important decision with possibly large effects, it was not a high priority while so much time remained to consider it. I know there are different guidelines for different dynamics, but This one works for us and I suspect would work for you as well.
As far as analyzing things, I'm not of the opinion that is bad or that you could just shut it off, but one day you might decide it just isn't necessary based on his track record. Don't hurry it. You two have been together for years, but he has been your "Master" for only a short time. You are learning to trust him in different ways than before. It's perfectly valid that the learning curve and comfort levels take time to achieve.
GG,
ReplyDeleteFirst a warning. I've read your post twice and my mind has wandered each time because I'm running on way to little sleep and way to much caffeine and self discipline just now, but I think I understood your point. For the most part you and your hubby seem to work in a way similar to us my Ladies and I. You are not a "Slave", or a "Doll", you are an intelligent female adult that chooses to obey her man, and expects he will conduct himself in a specific fashion. That being the case, let me say that I simply expect that as intelligent adults, the Ladies use good judgement in what they bring to me, and when. I keep them fairly well advised of what my situation is as far as work and schedule, and they choose when to bring to my attention whatever it is they want to discuss. Obviously a variety of factors are considered. I was called at work recently because one of the Ladies was offered concert tickets for about 15% of retail price, but there was a limited number available. "Yes or no, sir?" Not really a critical decision, but it had to be made immediately. On the other hand, One was offered some X rated modeling work once, and didn't bring it up for two days. She had a month to answer, so she waited until she got home that night. But I came home sick and exhausted so she let it slide until after work the next night, because even though we both thought it was an important decision with possibly large effects, it was not a high priority while so much time remained to consider it. I know there are different guidelines for different dynamics, but This one works for us and I suspect would work for you as well.
As far as analyzing things, I'm not of the opinion that is bad or that you could just shut it off, but one day you might decide it just isn't necessary based on his track record. Don't hurry it. You two have been together for years, but he has been your "Master" for only a short time. You are learning to trust him in different ways than before. It's perfectly valid that the learning curve and comfort levels take time to achieve.
Mouse,
ReplyDeleteI hadn't thought about the fact that he might worry or wonder what's going on with me. This is somethign that will take me a very long time, if i can succeed at all. And you're right - in this case, this is my way of bringing it up to him.
Jz,
I think less coffee and more sleep would help - beyond that, I'm just not sure it's possible. Thanks.
MC,
Thank you. Ultimately, the reality of how we function can't change all that drastically. It's a lot of the subtle things that can and are. Our family woudl grind to a halt if I had to include him in each small decision. On the other hand, I do too often not tell him what's really going on with me, for a variety of reasons. I think this is what i need to find a better balance for.