My past few posts have been fairly light fare, although certainly with some underlying meaning for me. Like (I assume) most everyone else, my thought processes and maybe my growth, in any sort of area, have cycles of intense activity and quieter times. Also, my life, our lives, and our family's activities have ebbs and flows of managable and way too busy. Right now is a time of way too busy. And it is probably no coincidence that it is also a somewhat quieter time inside my head. Except I keep catching glimpses of thoughts that intrigue me or questions I feel that I really want to explore. And then I get distracted agian with everything else. I feel like I can't quite catch the thoughts, that they are just out of reach. I'm putting a few of the pieces here; I don't think they have answers, I haven't thought them through at all, I'm not even sure how I feel about them, maybe they aren't important questions at all, maybe they are.
How does all of this integrate with our real life? Does it eventually come to feel real and natural, an organic part of our relationship that just happens and evolves as we do? Or does it always feel useful but a bit contrived?
Could I ever, and should I ever, (those are two very different issues) really change my thinking to consider my husband before myself in everything? Whatever is good for our relationship, is also good for me, not just him. Should the goal or the object of the effort be him, or should it be our relationship, the "us"?
On the other hand, moving my thinking from whatever it was before, to considering him more than I had, has been good, has been better, and also more right in a lot of ways.
Somehow, perversely, I feel like these changes are making me lazy, or letting me be lazy I guess. I find it too easy to not make decisions, not just work things out myself, not just do what needs to be done. I am sure this isn't a good trend, it's not how I've ever been in the past and it is a little disturbing to see in myself.
Is there a way to just go with all this - or does it need to be thought out and examined the way I do?
What is the balance between learning from others and making it our own, not like anything or anyone elses? Something shifted in me a year ago, and started to shift in our relationship. I do believe that I would not have recognized that fact without a framework or context and that this thing has fit the "us" well in a lot of ways, so it is useful. So, have we come to the end of its usefullness, or is there still more to learn from others, not just on our own? How can I be sure I am looking at and learning from others' ideas, not subconsciously integrating or copying them as my own?
Thanks for bearing with me - with this kind of post. I tend to be unskilled at making my brain tackle things on demand, but when it is ready, it usually happens with a vengence. So I guess I will wait until it is ready.