Saturday, March 6, 2010

thoughts i can't catch

My past few posts have been fairly light fare, although certainly with some underlying meaning for me. Like (I assume) most everyone else, my thought processes and maybe my growth, in any sort of area, have cycles of intense activity and quieter times. Also, my life, our lives, and our family's activities have ebbs and flows of managable and way too busy. Right now is a time of way too busy. And it is probably no coincidence that it is also a somewhat quieter time inside my head. Except I keep catching glimpses of thoughts that intrigue me or questions I feel that I really want to explore. And then I get distracted agian with everything else. I feel like I can't quite catch the thoughts, that they are just out of reach. I'm putting a few of the pieces here; I don't think they have answers, I haven't thought them through at all, I'm not even sure how I feel about them, maybe they aren't important questions at all, maybe they are.

How does all of this integrate with our real life? Does it eventually come to feel real and natural, an organic part of our relationship that just happens and evolves as we do? Or does it always feel useful but a bit contrived?

Could I ever, and should I ever, (those are two very different issues) really change my thinking to consider my husband before myself in everything? Whatever is good for our relationship, is also good for me, not just him. Should the goal or the object of the effort be him, or should it be our relationship, the "us"?

On the other hand, moving my thinking from whatever it was before, to considering him more than I had, has been good, has been better, and also more right in a lot of ways.

Somehow, perversely, I feel like these changes are making me lazy, or letting me be lazy I guess. I find it too easy to not make decisions, not just work things out myself, not just do what needs to be done. I am sure this isn't a good trend, it's not how I've ever been in the past and it is a little disturbing to see in myself.

Is there a way to just go with all this - or does it need to be thought out and examined the way I do?

What is the balance between learning from others and making it our own, not like anything or anyone elses? Something shifted in me a year ago, and started to shift in our relationship. I do believe that I would not have recognized that fact without a framework or context and that this thing has fit the "us" well in a lot of ways, so it is useful. So, have we come to the end of its usefullness, or is there still more to learn from others, not just on our own? How can I be sure I am looking at and learning from others' ideas, not subconsciously integrating or copying them as my own?

Thanks for bearing with me - with this kind of post. I tend to be unskilled at making my brain tackle things on demand, but when it is ready, it usually happens with a vengence. So I guess I will wait until it is ready.


  1. I've been mulling this over a bit and haven't come up with any real constructive thoughts on it yet.
    Except possibly that maybe instead of catching the thoughts, you should just stand still a while and let 'em smack you in the back of your head?

  2. Jz, If I could only be still long enough, I would be willing.

  3. I dunno, is what you have so different? I mean you've let your husband take control in the bedroom, it seems that he's taking a bit more control in other areas..

    I've been grappling lately with who is mouse and who is the slave inside. I really see them as two different people.

    Maybe the integration needs to be you and the person you feel you should be? But honestly I don't think that works. You have to integrate the person you are and who you are becoming. I think (not sure) there is a lot of contentment there finding the balance or middle ground. Then it doesn't feel the least bit contrived.

    For me, it meant learning to give up control...and boy that didn't happen over took a long time. I felt like I should be doing more...more helpful, or more I realize I don't need to be...I can just be me.


  4. Unfortunately, the only person who can really answer these questions for you is you (and well your husband in some matters). It's really about who you are on the inside... getting to know your submissive nature and learning how to just allow that part of you to come out and integrate within your relationship... and your husband will be doing much the same thing as he discovers and allows his dominant side to come out.

    As far as putting him first in everything... I mean even in a relationship like mine that is a bit unrealistic. I can say everything I do is for him (and for our family), but I can't neglect myself for the sake of pleasing him... if that makes sense. In fact, I think I take much better care of myself when I know I'm doing it for him as well as for me.

    It's okay to think about things a bit, but really if you do too much thinking it will probably just result in making you crazy. It's better to just let things evolve as they will and not push it.



  5. Mouse,
    Different from what they were before? Things are very different, but the shifts we made weren't really so large, if that makes any sense. Maybe things are becoming what they should have been all along, maybe we are - i really just don't know. And I don't know where it's all headed, but I know we have time, and it will take time.

    I think you are absolutely right. It is probably a good thing that life is so buys right now - it forces me to take things in smaller chunks and not dwell on anything too long. Thanks.

  6. No Fair... I take a week off and you come up with this skull-splitter???!!!

    I always think of these things as a spiral stairways. From the top down perspective, it looks like I'm just going in circles, coming back to the same point again and again.

    Seen from a different perspective, a side view, it's obvious that I'm changing where I am.

    The Buddhists (and others) teach that you can't step in the same river twice. The flow of water means it's different molecules every time.

    I think personal growth is like that. We keep coming back to the same topics but it's really always from a slightly different place.

    You will revisit the topics of Him, Me and Us a hundred thousand times. Each time, it will be a new visit, a different river, informed by different events.

    I think we make a mistake when we try to cast these things in stone. I try to keep it flexible, organic, capable of growth and adaptation. Michael is a different man and I'm a different woman than we were a year ago. It's part of growth. It's necessary and I think the uncertainty is something to embrace.

  7. Doll,
    I like the spiral staircase analogy, moving in circles, but still going somewhere. Life does impose the flexibility - if you can't bend - you break. I think this was mostly wondering about how much to try to work out and how much to wait and let happen.

  8. For what it's worth, my vote is always with "let it happen". Always.

    First -- this is not a weekend play scene at a club. This is your life, your marriage. You have the luxury of time; enjoy it. To trot out that old sports cliche, it's a marathon, not a sprint.

    Second, and this comes from a long standing yoga practice, it's always a mistake to push things. Our job is to clear the obstacles and let things flourish on their own. If we chase after them, they will only allude us.

    I always remind my students when they're dealing with a posture that gives them grief, to remember the function of the posture and not worry about the form of it. Better to move 1/8th of an inch in a posture using proper form and reap the benefit of the posture than to move 8 inches having lost the form and not being in the posture at all.

    Whatever you and your husband are doing is just fine. There is no goal. There is nothing to achieve. You are both exactly where you need to be right now. Enjoy the experience.


    PS: Good grief, look at me. Married 10 days and already acting like an old grandmother!!!