Some things are starting to tie together in my mind. That's one of the advantages of this blog - I can look and see how the back and forth and all-over-the-place of my thoughts sometimes really make a pattern that I may not have recognized otherwise. My mind has been chewing on the idea of what I do and say, versus what I really think. I don't always succeed in saying or doing the right thing, but I try. What I think, though, has and will continue to evolve, I'm sure. I'm also sure that, on one hand, I am meant to think and consider and make choices deliberately, biut that, on the other hand, theI have too many backseat-driving-in-my-mind thoughts that are not useful or good for us. Where that line is will change over time, but, as we keep going along, I hope there will be more of the former and fewer of the latter.
I think that this had everything to do with what happened last week. We - neither of us - is experienced in this. [Just to be clear, in this case I'm talking about sex, and play, and the things designed to cause pain and maybe anxiety for me] I fall vicitim to the human (maybe uniquely submissive - I don't know) appeal of the James Bond-esque man who knows all, can do all, with no hint of hesitation, everything is always perfect and perfectly effective, every time, fantasy. But I am an adult and I am able to separate fantasy from reality. The fact remains though, that this is a learn as you go kind of process for both of us, and since I'm the one being learned upon, those backseat-driving-in-my-mind thoughts are often loudest when things are the most intense. Which I think very much defeats the purpose and detracts from the whole thing - I assume the idea is to experience the experience rather than view or analyze it. I guess that's part of the learning curve. I can see over time that I am slowly becoming able to quiet these thoughts with more things, but they remain quite instrusive, quite often.
The trade off to our inexperience, of course, is that we have years of experience and history with each other. We know each other pretty well, and we trust each other; particularly, I absloutely trust his desire to always protect me from harm. That's the other reason I hate the voices of caution and second guessing in my head. It's not fair to him (ignore that 4 letter word if you must). Being on guard and analyzing every act as it occurs to decide if I think it is ok, safe, or whatever, is a serious lack of trust.
I don't know what happened last time to trigger it, I hadn't been thinking explicitly about any of these things, but something about it, or maybe everything about it, made it different. Shortly into it, all the voices stopped. There was no being on guard or watching to see if I needed to protect myself. There was just the experiencing. And I think that's why it felt so very unusual and left me so adrift afterwards.
The two of us were able to spend some time over the weekend talking about it. As we sorted it out and the implications became clear, we began to see it as a good thing. There is no reason in the world why we have to take our relationship or our sex life on this sort of adventure. But I think it makes my husband deeply pleased to see me be able to turn myself over to him in this way, and that makes me so happy.
gg,
ReplyDeleteWhile I don't exactly what went on, but it kinda sounds to me like a bit of what is known as subdrop. It doesn't need to be brought on by an intense scene and hardcore play...it just needs to be intense for you.
It can cause big confusion on what you felt and how your process those feelings afterward. The best cure for subdrop is talking about it and continuing to discuss it. There are times for me, I will tell O that was the worst thing....please don't ever do it to me again...but then as time passes and I start to really process and chew on it, I realize that I did enjoy it on some levels...what made me hate it was X but X had nothing to do with it, it was the feeling it caused me.
That feeling for me...is usually a loss of control. Over time and with a lot of trust I have learned to accept it. Now I can really filter out what I do like or dislike about something O does. Of course that doesn't mean it will be eliminated but it can be modified.
Hugs,
mouse
Mouse,
ReplyDeleteMaybe, probably, I really don't know. It certainly fits with what you say. And talking certainly put it all in a different light. I kind of hope the thing itself does happen again, just without the confusion or surprise. Thanks.
I'm just sitting here, grinning for you. :-)
ReplyDeleteI agree with mouse that it could have been subdrop. I'm really glad you both took the time to discuss it, though, and were able to work it all out so that you feel better about what happened.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I think that no matter how long someone has been in the lifestyle it's always a learning process. There's always something you don't know. Doing the things we do takes us to a much deeper level of intimacy, and I think regardless of how long you've been with someone, it will be like starting a new relationship in some ways. You start learning so many new things about each other and yourselves that you didn't know before... including your limits and what you can take.
*hugs*
spirited
GG,
ReplyDeleteI wanted to address your statements that all that analyzing and so on is a serious lack of trust. I have to disagree. When my more junior Lady and I first got together, she had a very similar attitude. In her case it was (In my opinion) the result of her life experiences to that point. No one had ever treated her fairly unless she forced them to, no one had ever put her needs first, and no one had ever helped her out without wanting something in return. I mean no one at all. Not her previous boyfriends, including the so called "Doms", not her bosses, not her commander in the military (Which surprised me, but I believe her) and not her parents, who literally sent their kids away and blatantly said it was because they did not want them in the home. So in her case it made perfect sense to me WHY she thought as she did. I tell you this just as reference. I don't know if your history is the cause of your thought processes or not, but it doesn't really matter. I think your path will be similar.
In my Lady's case, it took literally years of my seeing things coming before she did, of my having a fallback plan that saved the day when things went wrong, and of me not flinching in the face of an adversity that would really have been purely hers alone except for the fact that I was forcing myself between it and her before she started to respond as I wanted her to. As I think you want to respond to your husband.
What I believe is that you in fact DO trust your husband intellectually, but your subconscious is still in the mode of automatically protecting itself (And therefore you) from anything it sees as a potential risk. To that end it causes your conscious brain to analyze these things. You seem to comply with his requests, so I am presuming you deem his requests and plans safe once you've thought about them. Eventually your subconscious will realize that all that effort is just a waste of time and energy, and it will stop initiating the analysis. You will begin to trust him instinctively, so no need for the subconscious to bother with the intellectual considerations. As for the bad experience, we all have them, so don't worry too much about it. It's actually normal for things to go a bit off every now and then. Accept it as a chance to see how your husband reacts and know that will reaffirm your decision to trust him.
In my Ladies case she came to realize (Or so she said) that the few mistakes and bad experiences she saw with me were things that she never would have seen coming on her own at all, so analysing and approaving my actions didn't help her in the first place. Also, once things did go wrong and she notified me, I reacted immediately and got things back on track more quickly than she felt she would have been able to, so again it was more beneficial to her if she simply let me be in charge. After she came to these realizations, she stopped automatically second guessing everything I did pretty quickly all by herself.
Remember, this was a years-long process for us, and we were both experienced. I remind you that you have history as a wife with her husband, the sub you have become is new. Let yourself come to know yourself as this new person. Then learn what it means to be sub. Don't feel like you should be able to just accept everything with aplomb and no questions. All new subs I worked with had these same reactions. It wouldn't be normal if you didn't.
After you know yourself, your new dominant whom you met only recently, and after you become reasonably comfortable with each, things will begin to feel and flow as you think they should. You seem to be doing fine, allow yourself the time everyone needs to get where you want to go. You're on the right path, and you'll make it IF you don't push too hard and accidentally run off a cliff.
I think Magnus really gave you some good advice.
ReplyDeleteA relationship like this takes time to develop so be patient and let him take the lead.
FD
Jz - thanks - wish I could just stop and bask in the glow sometimes - damn real life!
ReplyDeleteSpirited,
I've been wondering for a few days now - just what is the point or the motivation to do these sorts of things - i mean truly. I think your idea of learning more and more intimately about your partner comes as close as any answer I've come up with.
MC,
You would hardly be the first person to point out that my endless thinking is often a waste of time and energy. Actually, thank you for this. You make good points, especially about learning to function as and be this new person.
FD,
I am working on it, thanks.