Some things are starting to tie together in my mind. That's one of the advantages of this blog - I can look and see how the back and forth and all-over-the-place of my thoughts sometimes really make a pattern that I may not have recognized otherwise. My mind has been chewing on the idea of what I do and say, versus what I really think. I don't always succeed in saying or doing the right thing, but I try. What I think, though, has and will continue to evolve, I'm sure. I'm also sure that, on one hand, I am meant to think and consider and make choices deliberately, biut that, on the other hand, theI have too many backseat-driving-in-my-mind thoughts that are not useful or good for us. Where that line is will change over time, but, as we keep going along, I hope there will be more of the former and fewer of the latter.
I think that this had everything to do with what happened last week. We - neither of us - is experienced in this. [Just to be clear, in this case I'm talking about sex, and play, and the things designed to cause pain and maybe anxiety for me] I fall vicitim to the human (maybe uniquely submissive - I don't know) appeal of the James Bond-esque man who knows all, can do all, with no hint of hesitation, everything is always perfect and perfectly effective, every time, fantasy. But I am an adult and I am able to separate fantasy from reality. The fact remains though, that this is a learn as you go kind of process for both of us, and since I'm the one being learned upon, those backseat-driving-in-my-mind thoughts are often loudest when things are the most intense. Which I think very much defeats the purpose and detracts from the whole thing - I assume the idea is to experience the experience rather than view or analyze it. I guess that's part of the learning curve. I can see over time that I am slowly becoming able to quiet these thoughts with more things, but they remain quite instrusive, quite often.
The trade off to our inexperience, of course, is that we have years of experience and history with each other. We know each other pretty well, and we trust each other; particularly, I absloutely trust his desire to always protect me from harm. That's the other reason I hate the voices of caution and second guessing in my head. It's not fair to him (ignore that 4 letter word if you must). Being on guard and analyzing every act as it occurs to decide if I think it is ok, safe, or whatever, is a serious lack of trust.
I don't know what happened last time to trigger it, I hadn't been thinking explicitly about any of these things, but something about it, or maybe everything about it, made it different. Shortly into it, all the voices stopped. There was no being on guard or watching to see if I needed to protect myself. There was just the experiencing. And I think that's why it felt so very unusual and left me so adrift afterwards.
The two of us were able to spend some time over the weekend talking about it. As we sorted it out and the implications became clear, we began to see it as a good thing. There is no reason in the world why we have to take our relationship or our sex life on this sort of adventure. But I think it makes my husband deeply pleased to see me be able to turn myself over to him in this way, and that makes me so happy.