Monday, June 28, 2010

just questions

I have only questions today. I wrote to my husband a few days ago that our relationship suddenly feels like 24/7 D/s. We hadn't planned that, or sought it out, or even really thought it would be a good thing for us to pursue. But here it is.

Is this the right thing for us? And how would we know? How do you make a decision about something so overarching and all encompassing without having tried it out first?

Of course we did that when we got married. We committed to 'for better or for worse, forever.' That was similar I suppose, except that we had lived together for some time, and marriage leaves a lot more wiggle room than this does for compromise and re-adjusting, and we were young and niave and, and, and ...

Should we just keep moving along having it just be what it will be, the entity that arises naturally from the interaction of our individual persons and needs and wants? Or is there a greater gain to the act of committing to something more concrete? I do believe that the commitment of marriage in and of itself can give people an extra support in difficult times that is not available from living together or what have you. Or it can turn out to be the albatross dragging two individuals into their own personal ruin.

The idea that my submitting to him one time, albeit one very carefully thought out and openly discussed time, seems unrealistic. What if I change? what if he does? Sure, the small changes we have made so far have improved our relationship, our family life, and I think, each of us as individuals. But sometimes it is hard. And the nature of this beast is that I commit, on some level, to stop worrying about questions like this. To just do. Is that a good idea?

And how do I know that this is the right way for me to live? How do I know that my personality not only can tolerate such a thing, but can thrive and grow with such a thing? How do I know that this is the best way for me? How does he decide if it is best for him? How do we know if it is the way for is? And if we move forward, how do I stop myself from wondering?


  1. Well, stop worrying and just go with your gut. Try something. If you like it, keep doing it and then add something else you think you might like. If you don't like something, don't do it again. Just kind of feel your way.

    Remember, there's no set formula
    for this lifestyle. Just figure out what you like. Do a lot of reading on the subject and see what interests you.


  2. Well, we both know you're never going to stop wondering. But you're tying yourself into knots trying to get answers to questions about things that haven't happened yet. That's a little silly and a lot futile.
    Ride the wave and then worry about the decisions - based on what you've done, not what you *might* do.
    Easier to say than do, I know, but you really can ratchet it down a notch or two, I promise.

    Your friend,

    (w00t! verification = micalmo!)

  3. seeing is not believing, believing is seeing.

    You don't know until you do that is how it works and you will never stop wondering.

  4. Just go with the flow and do what feels right to you both. Nothing is set in stone and flexibility is always a good thing x

  5. FD,
    Thank you. We have done and do a lot of feeling our way - i think that's how it all snuck up on me.

    You're right,of course. Sometimes writing out all the questions lets me see the sum total of them which can help me clarify and sometimes even put some of them behind me.

    Sir J,
    I believe that - the words - turnign my thinking around to it is harder with some things.

    Shape Shifter,
    Welcome. I'm not sure why i feel like there has to be a point where we decide all or nothing, i guess that is part of the questions - is it really ok to just continue onward and upward as we have been, as you say - with flexibility.

  6. I agree with the others. Everything that has developed has done so naturally and you're both obviously comfortable with the developments or it wouldn't have happened. I've found over the last several months that trying to steer things in a certain direction often leads to disaster. It's better to just go with the flow and let things continue developing naturally.

    Sure... you're both going to change, but change is inevitable. You would have changed anyway regardless of whether you went down this path. But the changes almost always are good ones because you're growing as a person and realizing your true nature (beyond just being submissive... your true nature as a whole person). It's a slow process, but a beautiful one. :-D



  7. Turiya,
    Thank you. I am starting to believe - to believe that it is ok to just keep moving as we have been. Apparently I can't just accept and be happy - apparently i have to question even good things.

  8. Nothing wrong with questioning things... as long as the questioning gives you the security that you need in knowing that you're doing the right things for yourself and your family. And it's certainly good that you're asking the questions on your blog to get input rather than mulling over them in your own head, which can cause a lot of confusion and worrisome thoughts. Something I tend to have a really bad habit of doing.