I am a rule follower. It is who I am, from as long as I can remember. My husband has made some rules for me over the past year. Some have to do with the way he likes me to be (eg., shaved), some have to do with things he just likes (eg., having his coffee made for him), and some have to do with how I should really be anyhow (eg., focused on him when he's talking to me, doing my work at work, etc.). I don't break these rules, at least not willfully. Occasionally I have just forgotten something, or run out of time, sometimes I struggle with making the necessary focus happen; but, I understand these rules, they make sense, the reason they are important to him make sense to me. I don't want to break them, so I don't.
There are some rules that I feel differently about. These rules have to do with my body and especially my orgasms being his to control. These rules have not felt the same to me. The have felt artificial and contrived and at times just silly. I think at some level I believed he made these rules just because that's "what D/s people do." I went along with these rules, but I never felt they were important - especially to him. I sort of giggled, and sometimes rolled my eyes and went along - but it felt like play-acting, not real.
The other day, I did break one of *those* rules. I was, as mouse would say, very squirmy, and he was out of town for several days. I'm supposed to ask, but I knew that I wouldn't be able to reach him at that moment, so I went ahead on my own. I completely willfully and knowingly disobeyed him.
There were a lot of thoughts that went thru my head at the time:
It was the first time, only time, I had broken a rule outright.
A girl should get a free pass or two with a record like that, right?
How lame am I that this is my big rebellion?
I can't reach him to ask, but I really need to get un-squirmy so I can focus on other stuff.
Is this rule as real, are these particular rules really important to him?
Does he actually think of my body and especially my sexual being as his to control, or is that play?
I also wanted to know what he would do if I really disobeyed him. I think maybe I *needed* to know the answer to that.
I absolutely recognized that this was a new level of testing: was he really serious about all this. It's easy to talk, easy to make rules, will he back that up?
I also recognized that a part of what has kept me obedient so far is a fear that if i challenged him at all, he would just throw up his hands and walk away. On some level I needed to know that wouldn't happen. This is a big one in fact. It's not the only reason I do what he asks, but it's there, it's part of the whole thing. And I know that, as small a part as it is, it is poison and is keeping me from really trusting and really committing.
I told him about it when he got home of course, I knew I would when I did it. And he knew exactly why I had done it.
And now, a few days later, some questions are answered. He is serious about all the rules he makes.
He will punish me. He won't spank me or use pain to punish me (I knew that one already - otherwise I would have been breaking rules a lot more often).
I don't think the doubt is fully removed though. I know that I will (already do) worry that there will be a time that he just feels like I am too much trouble or this is all silly and want to stop. I know testing this way is juvenile and cliche and frankly, disrespectful to him. I also know that I don't know of any other way to reassure myself. Maybe it is an inevitability, a phase all relationships have to go through. Maybe we have to test. Are there relationships where there is just obedience, no pushing at the boundaries to see how strong they are? Maybe me testing him is the thing that will push him that step too far. (See how my mind can go in circles).
I am sorry and punished and forgiven for the thing I did. But I don't feel sorrow or remorse for the real reason I did it, and I know this is a problem. I think I should feel sorry and remorseful for this part of it all. Is it a punishment that accomplishes that, or can it only come from me? Since I haven't been punished, I also really don't feel forgiven, so things feel wrong between us still. Except I haven't yet expressed regret for having done it.
Can I go to him and ask to be punished for this? Is that what makes me sorry? Or does that happen only once I feel the remorse on my own? Actually, as I write this i think I'm beginning to see....