Many really, really smart people throught the ages have written about the power of words. I'm not that kind of smart (or eloquent), but I have been knocked over by the power of certain words since this whole thing started.
I read a fair bit about ttwd; it is the way i had and have to learn about it. In all this reading, it is hard to miss certain words and the significance attached to them. One becomes immersed in the culture, particularly in the language, and the meanings of special words go far beyond their standard usage.
My husband reads very little in this way, so he isn't familiar with this alternate vocabulary, or at least not with the depth of context attached to some of the words. This does make communication a bit precarious at times. I have a difficult time confessing many of my desires in any case, and single words or phrases that convey the weight and the meaning of my thoughts would make it easier for me. On the other hand, it often forces me to be very expicit about my wants and needs and feelings. Objectively of course, that is a good thing, but it is much, much harder for me.
The lack of common vocabulary also created disconnects for us at times. Things i have brought to him as intriguing, or desirous have very negative connotations for him. His understanding of the word "submission" or "submissive" in particular led him initially to reject the concepts I was trying to advocate. Again, i have had to work to clarify and express what i meant - my conceptualization of ideas like "submission", "control," "containment" - what exactly did i mean by those? - not just a swirl of nebulous ideas garnered "out there" - what did *I* mean? Once we gained common ground, we could move forward together. I can see now that the work i do to understand what I mean, both to be able to explain to him and to know for myself, is very important; but, at the time, I would really rather skip around that part.
Some have taken on meaning for us, we have given them our own context. "Sir" for example: he is a boss, sometimes people call him Sir, sometimes out of respect, sometimes as a cheap attempt at ingratiation, but it has that context for him. For me, it is a view of him that takes hold of me sometimes, but which i am shy to express out loud. We are both finding that it carries the right weight and meaning if we reserve it for very limited contexts, alone and intense times. Then we both understand, and we both like it.
I am the one who spent 6 months learning and living as submissive to my husband before i could bear to type that word out in reference to myself. It is a very powerful word, and has been a very powerful way to live.
There are more words out there that aren't part of us at this point, but which nonetheless invoke a profound response in me: girl, slave, Master, owned, Mine. I will leave it at that for now.
Thank you for this post, I couldn't have expressed it better, the weight of words in this context and their implicit and explicit meanings. I feel like I am on this path in the same way as you described and accepting the language of that journey is half the battle and 3/4 the excitment.
ReplyDeleteNice post - I appreciate your feel for words. You're right - they carry so much. It is easier for me to communicate with Sir D because he knows the language (better than I do, probably) whereas when I was married, I knew some, but my husband didn't and wasn't particularly interested in learning. Interesting to read your experiences.
ReplyDeleteThanks,
aisha
You took the words right out of my mouth (and no I don't want them back). ;) When I first started on the path of submission, I couldn't even refer to myself as a submissive. It was just too overwhelming and I think at that time too, I couldn't grasp the concept that submissive wasn't synonymous with weakness. That came much later. Wonderful post!
ReplyDelete*hugs*
turiya
Jargon within any specialization becomes an easy form of short hand but isn't necessarily the clearest way to communicate, as it always contains personal assumptions.
ReplyDeleteYour husband was wise to force you to clear that common ground.
littleOnoe,
ReplyDeleteWelcome. It is stunning how the words can be imbued with so much meaning and power if we let them, isn't it.
Aisha,
Thank you, and welcome. That easier communication would be appealing many times. But for us, since it's all new, i do think it's better for us to do the work to truly understand what we are saying to each other. I appreciate your blog and the real examination of the ideas behind the words.
turiya,
Thank you. Submissive was the hardest - at least so far - who knows what lies ahead. EWxplaining myself about that one was the most difficult - and the most revealing, to him, adn to myself.
Jz,
You are absolutely right abotu the jargon, I preach that at work, but forget at home - go figure. Who knew he was so wise?