Sunday, November 7, 2010

a moment and a realization

I have come to accept that in this new 'normal' - my state-of-mind and emotions - the highs are higher and the lows are lower, and that this is somehow absolutely right and necessary and worthwhile.  When it is good, the affection, the need to be melded to him, the desire to do and care for him, and the feelings of being cared for and loved and surrounded in him are all insanely intense.  When I crash, the confusion, doubt and despair are irrational yet completely overwhelming.  [Interesting that i don't consider the insanely high feelings to be irrational - something to wonder about another day I guess].  Now I am seeing that other fundamental sensations and perceptions are no longer nearly as straightforward either. 

Yesterday I was teetering on the brink of a tumble into a bad state-of-mind.  I was fighting the doubts and trying to look objectively at why he might be seeming withdrawn and a bit distant the past few days.  He has always had bouts of pulling back for a few days; it's not often, and it is subtle enough that no one but me notices.  He is really, really good at maintaining a very even outward appearance.  But these times have always made me nervous, always made me wonder what I had done or missed doing.  Likely, I am just too sensitive to something that is related more to lack of sleep or things at work than to me anyhow.  But I have come to accept and expect and now even rely on a level of control from him, and when it is withdrawn, I flounder a bit.  His control isn't exerted in big, obvious or loud ways.  It is quiet and just betwen us: he notices things and makes it clear that he does.  That is enough.  And when it isn't there, I don't brat or push at the boundaries, I start to doubt and drift. 

Yesterday, as I was feeling adrift, he interrupted me folding laundry.  I didn't think I was interested, too much doubt and resentment and just plain pissiness.  I started out trying to rebuff him then just going along because I had to. Very quickly he changed my mind, or at least he changed my body and the mind had no choice but to follow.  My body responded as it always does now, and it needed this.  It climbed very high, very quickly and when it fell over the edge, it just kept going.  This should have had me, had my body, quiet and content for a good while.  But it didn't. 

I think it amuses my husband that I am needy again after such intense satisfaction.  I worry though about what he must really think about me.  I worry he finds me too focused on sex, too needy, not the kind of woman I should be, I worry he is exasperated or even offended.  And I wonder why I am this way.  I wonder why my body suddenly seems to have a mind of it's own, disconnected from my emotions and thoughts and what I think I should want and need.

What I realized is that my body may seem more disconnected, but may in fact be more in tune with my state-of-mind than I realize.  The physical release is one thing.  But I also crave and maybe (probably) need the more abstract levels of his influence and control.  Missing the sense of him containing me or the manifestations of that connection I think leaves my body right back in it's needy state.  It's one more thing about this whole thing that is unexpected and just more complex than ever before. 


  1. I'm sorry... Did you just type that you worry that he thinks you're too focused on sex???

    The body-mind-emotion interconnection really is interesting, tho'. We tend to only listen to/trust one, when actually they're all sending us valuable information. If only we know how to hear it...

  2. Your fourth paragraph made me feel like crying. With relief, I think. It is as if you were writing down the very thoughts in my head. I know W is sometimes exasperated with this aspect of me. I also have wondered why I am this way, and how I can become so needy, so fast. I can't answer any of your questions. I don't now myself, but you are not the only one out there. If that helps. Helps me. Thank You, gg

  3. perhaps you should consider (KellyRed as well) that this state of neediness you find yourself in is manufactured by your Dom because you in that state is in fact what they (we) need.

  4. I'm with Kelly Red. You wrote down my thoughts as well. This weekend was very difficult for me struggling with these very vulnerabilities.

  5. Jz, - yes, yes i did write that. I suppose it does sound a bit far fetched when you put it that way.

    I'm sorry, at least - sorry to have upset you. Thank you for your reassurance. Sometimes this issue really distresses me, sometimes i can accept it as just one big part of the whole ride.

    Sir J,
    That sounds so calculating and manipulative.... which of course adds fuel to the fire - but then - you knew that.

    I'm sorry to hear that. I hope you can move through that soon. I don't know why it is sometimes distressing and sometimes just amusing, of course - there's a lot about my emotions that i just don't get these days.

  6. It wasn't distress. It was relief, that I was the *lone* woman in the world that felt this way. No need to apologize.