I have come to accept that in this new 'normal' - my state-of-mind and emotions - the highs are higher and the lows are lower, and that this is somehow absolutely right and necessary and worthwhile. When it is good, the affection, the need to be melded to him, the desire to do and care for him, and the feelings of being cared for and loved and surrounded in him are all insanely intense. When I crash, the confusion, doubt and despair are irrational yet completely overwhelming. [Interesting that i don't consider the insanely high feelings to be irrational - something to wonder about another day I guess]. Now I am seeing that other fundamental sensations and perceptions are no longer nearly as straightforward either.
Yesterday I was teetering on the brink of a tumble into a bad state-of-mind. I was fighting the doubts and trying to look objectively at why he might be seeming withdrawn and a bit distant the past few days. He has always had bouts of pulling back for a few days; it's not often, and it is subtle enough that no one but me notices. He is really, really good at maintaining a very even outward appearance. But these times have always made me nervous, always made me wonder what I had done or missed doing. Likely, I am just too sensitive to something that is related more to lack of sleep or things at work than to me anyhow. But I have come to accept and expect and now even rely on a level of control from him, and when it is withdrawn, I flounder a bit. His control isn't exerted in big, obvious or loud ways. It is quiet and just betwen us: he notices things and makes it clear that he does. That is enough. And when it isn't there, I don't brat or push at the boundaries, I start to doubt and drift.
Yesterday, as I was feeling adrift, he interrupted me folding laundry. I didn't think I was interested, too much doubt and resentment and just plain pissiness. I started out trying to rebuff him then just going along because I had to. Very quickly he changed my mind, or at least he changed my body and the mind had no choice but to follow. My body responded as it always does now, and it needed this. It climbed very high, very quickly and when it fell over the edge, it just kept going. This should have had me, had my body, quiet and content for a good while. But it didn't.
I think it amuses my husband that I am needy again after such intense satisfaction. I worry though about what he must really think about me. I worry he finds me too focused on sex, too needy, not the kind of woman I should be, I worry he is exasperated or even offended. And I wonder why I am this way. I wonder why my body suddenly seems to have a mind of it's own, disconnected from my emotions and thoughts and what I think I should want and need.
What I realized is that my body may seem more disconnected, but may in fact be more in tune with my state-of-mind than I realize. The physical release is one thing. But I also crave and maybe (probably) need the more abstract levels of his influence and control. Missing the sense of him containing me or the manifestations of that connection I think leaves my body right back in it's needy state. It's one more thing about this whole thing that is unexpected and just more complex than ever before.