Wednesday, February 2, 2011

greedy little bitch

i get this way sometimes - it's not nice, i stuff it down and hide it away
it's more than just always wanting more, it goes beyond just never being satisfied
those are bad enough - i'm profoundly uncomfortable to accept them as mine

but this scares the piss out of me
this is the dark side of me i had never met before
had never imagined i could have
and now she won't stay away, at least not for long

Things are good, very good
easy, flowing, moving, loving
We've come to a place i at first hadn't imagined i wanted, then really did
and now we're here, at that "be careful what you wish for" place
and i really can't pretend i don't love it
because i do

I love being pushed, I love being used, I love being contained and controlled
and challenged and having my place set, and the tables turned
I love serving him
All things that still sound so foreign to my ears,
and it's me saying them?

and that's when i can't keep her down
when things are good, and easy
why can't easy be ok - why can't i be content
sit back, relax, enjoy - that's what people do
and shouldn't i want that for him too?

not me though - she comes out showing me more
leading my mind down dark paths
creating images and fantasies that go too far
things that truly ought to make me careful what i wish for
what kind of peson am i?

apparently i'm a greedy little bitch, and not a very smart one


  1. It IS scary, isn't it. I was always disturbed by my fantasies, and do wonder about myself as I see what I've become and where I'm headed. why can't we be at peace with embracing ourselves rather than fighting it? Why do we keep burdening ourselves with the sneers of society's superego?

    To a large extent, I'm at peace with myself because I feel as if I've come home. But I still feel the need to hide the fact of my relationship from friends and family, even in its broadest outlines.

    And when the sadist leads me to a chink in his wall through which I can glimpse his own darkest fantasies, I recoil from myself as I realize understand them - and am drawn to them - in all their horror.

    Still, this is who we are. I do feel safe, and am not harming anyone else. So I work towards accepting myself.


  2. I understand having difficulties accepting the evolution and who I have become/am becoming. You are most definitely not alone there!

    Don't question your intelligence. I have come to believe that those dark hallways of the mind have very little to do with logical thought forms lol.

  3. Here we call that 'the crazy lady', the one that I have carefully caged up in the back of my head that mutters and questions and declares that nothing is quite good enough.

    Master says I am not to feed her or listen to her. But sometimes I can hear her gnawing at the bars of her cage.

  4. Mmm, yes, I am very familiar with my own little inner greedy bitch. And a bitch she is because if I let her she'll stew, and pout, and sulk, and think that things really should be going the way she wants them instead of being content with the way things are...

    It's really best not to let her out of the cage. Just build a thick brick wall around her, sound proof it, and ignore her. Hopefully, eventually she won't be as loud and maybe even go away altogether (but I think that's wishful thinking).

  5. Strange...
    I happen to think you're very smart.
    Smart enough to recognize her, smart enough to deal with her.
    You're not doing it alone, after all.

  6. greengirl,

    mouse agrees with Jz.


  7. o.g.,
    It is good to see others who are at peace with their darker sides, who find them tantalizing rather than repellant. thank you.

    thank you. the "not so smart" part was referring to the fact that - if i end up getting what i wish for - i may not be able to handle it - not so smart.

    i love that - don't feed her, or listen to her. I'm only just recognizing my crazy lady

    I'm a little afraid that she'll do more than stew or pout. On the other hand, part of me wonders if she has anything to teach me.

    Thank you - and you're right - not alone. I wonder about fantasizing things i can't handle. Smart - like poking a grumpy bear.

    Thanks ma'am.

  8. I agree with Jz too and will also add... I don't really think you're greedy either. Just a woman who knows her own desires. :-D



  9. turiya,
    thank you. i know he wants me to have desires, but oddly - i feel greedy wehn i do, like it shifts the focus to me instead of what he wants - but he wants me to want -

    See my useless circles.