Thursday, February 17, 2011

the surreal to the sublime

We are approaching two years that we have been doing this thing.  I should probably change the wording on my profile; it's hard to argue we are new and "just discovering" these things.  Except that we are still discovering new things about ourselves, things are still growing and changing and deepening - some days.  Other days life just chugs along, busy, challenging, exciting, interesting, mundane, frustrating....

I clearly was not, still am not, one of those people who could see a new way of doing things, judge it to be interesting or useful, and just jump in and go.  For better or for worse, i needed to do almost everything possible to make it difficult.  Looking back, i'm not sure how i could simultaneously push for something new and fight it at every turn.  My husband sits back and watches the show and does his thing, his way, not letting me go too far off the rails; I think he's a wise man. 

It has been all along and still is both surreal and sublime.  I have to remind myself that arranging our relationship this way, and especially most of the activities that now go along with that, aren't considered healthy, normal, or particularly acceptable in the wider world.  It is surreal - it is completely real to us, it is our reality.  But we really can't share that with the people in our everyday life because, from the outside looking in, it isn't a good way to live.  Worse than just a not good way to live - from the outside, it looks very much like domineering, controlling, emotional and physical abuse on one side, and acquiescing to that on the other.   

A friend recently asked me - very earnestly - what we had changed in our marriage to bring the peace and joy she sees in it now.  And she sees well, that is what we feel this change has brought us.  That's the sublime. 


  1. ...and what did you tell your earnest friend ;-), 'oh darling I just do for my Sir / Master / Daddy(insert favoured word here)' Sometimes, no, all the time, I need to remind myself that what I I need to do is unacceptable to the wider mainstream community. But then I also wonder at how many of the mainstream masses are also keeping the secret. Maybe I am not so different. I suspect a lot of the masses just need to admit it in least thats the dream!

  2. greengirl,

    Surreal and sublime are perfect words to describe all of this. I may have to have my Husband read this post just so he knows I am not the only one who seems determined to make all this difficult.:)

    Great post!


  3. littleOne,
    I stumbled and fumbled and didn't tell her aything really. My husband pointed out that - physical abuse excepted - the power structure of this is only unusual for mainstream "western" cultures. I think it's likely that many marriages are husband led, even here (and there), the regular beatings - i don't know. And that's a tougher thing to think about.

    Thank you - and yes - tell him there are lots of us out there.

    Sir J,

  4. Intersting - stuff to ponder here... I just finished reading Vesta's post today "A way to love," which flows nicely with this.

    I'm not sure that TTWD is the same as male dominated relationships in other countries though. I think consent is a key difference here, just to start with. But it's something to think about.



  5. aisha,
    Vesta does have a beautiful way of writing it - and a great deal of insight. I agree that there are differences bewteen ttwd and male dominated societies. And that it comes down to consent. The point my husband was making to me (which i didnt say very well) was that the construct (right or wrong) isn't foreign to most of the world, only really our corner of it. And the consent, or maybe more specifically, the sense of being able to provide or decline to provide consent, is very much an issue for too many people even in this corner of the world.