I have so many half started posts - things i've been feverishly thinking about - deep, important, complicated things, like for example - why it would have been great to have had a sorting hat. But it's all a distraction technique. To anyone who asks how I'm feeling about the imminent play party excursion, I tell them i'm very busy pretending it isn't going to happen.
That is actually how i deal with big things that make me very nervous - job interviews, major presentations, my wedding, childbirth - I make sure i've prepared as much as possible, learn what i need to, see to the details well ahead of time, then pretend it isn't going to happen right up until the time that it does. The mental rehearsal thing doesn't make me feel more at ease - it ramps up the nervousness. And so it is with this.
But i'm taking a little time now to explain how i feel about this - partly because i'm not sure myself, and I think that making myself write it down will help me figure it out, and partly for my husband, so he will have a clue about my frame of mind then. So here are the things that swirl around in my mind if I let myself imagine...
I really am not a person who easily meets new groups of people. It is work for me to overcome my shyness.
We have no protocols, especially not for interacting in public. Yes, I can be and am respectful, and i know that no particular protocol is expected. If (when) i am very nervous i am likely to reach out for his hand, to want to be closer. Also - i have a bad habit of jumping into conversations and interrupting, moreso when i know the people well, but - watching my mouth will be another small thing to occupy some mental energy. Maybe we won't be doing too much talking...
As much as i really, really love reading about all things erotic- I wonder how i will feel about the visual or the whole reality. The few times i've watched porn, of any flavor, it left me cold and even a bit icky feeling. I'm not expecting to be aroused or titillated, that's not the point, but i don't want to feel icky about real people, they're people, not a video.
Mostly i worry about feeling very self conscious. I don't know what we will end up doing or not doing, but nothing has been taken off the table. Which leaves - i can't imagine wearing little to no clothing in front of other people, i can't imagine being able to keep my mind on him and what he's doing to me or wants me to do, i can't imagine being able to maintain focus on him.
I'm not sure how to explain this, but i'm not sure i will be able to be really 'there.' Sometimes my mind slips away from the present and steps back and just watches what's going on - the external and the internal action. Instead of being there having the experience, it detaches itself to watch and analyze. I know from experience that i miss out on a lot when this happens.
I want to do this though. In spite of all of my misgivings, I will do my best to be there and to be in the best frame of mind i can. Partly because doing this shifts things or expands the reality of things for us just a little beyond just us and just my computer screen. This is something he is asking me to do. He rarely asks me to do things that are difficult mentally or emotionally. So I want to because he wants me to.