Wednesday, April 6, 2011

just because

The question is central in christianity - are we saved by grace or by faith or by our works.  In other words, do we earn God's love, or is God's love always there and we accept it or reject it, we live in it and work with it, or we don't. 

I actually am a little uneasy with drawing parallels between D/s and religion; but some of the parallels are undeniable, so off i go with my train of thought.

There are times that i catch myself feeling like i have to earn my husband's love and affection.  It's not often, and it doesn't come from him, it comes from me.   I love him because i do, not because he earns it.  Why do i soemtimes have trouble accepting that the other way around? 

I believe there are several big ways that D/s differs from abuse and i believe this is one of them.  The idea that love is contingent in any way, i think leads to abuse - or comes from the same faulty wiring as the abusiveness in any case. 

When i catch myself thinking about earnign his love - it also makes me wonder if that's where this submissiveness comes from. Is that why this desire to serve, to please, to give myself to him? Is it so i feel worthy or that i earned his love for me?   Or at least, that i earned the care he takes of me? 

I don't understand this submissiveness at all.  One side of it is the fact that i need certain things, or at least i function and relate and thrive much better when handled in certain ways.  The other side is that i have an undeniable impulse to act certain ways - to do things for him, to please him, to offer myself to him.  (I know i've repeated myself - i don't know how else to say it). 

Actually - i did deny those impulses for very long time, or just refused to recognize them. And I can still hear the voice in my head telling me that I shouldn't let myself be used, or be taken advantage of, or that I needed to be vigilant to keep things fair or i would end up being walked all over.  It wasn't an altogether useful way to live and relate.  No matter what i may have said or believed, that kept me at a self imposed distance. 

I still don't understand being submissive.  I am this way just because and he loves me just because. 


  1. I like "just because"'s real.

  2. greengirl,

    This is one of those post I will have to mull over for a few days.
    "Just Because" is a beautifully simple way of looking at it, of explaining this. Great post!


  3. I know for a fact that Chess loves me "just because". I can hurt him, I can run from him, I can be mean, disrespectful, and rude, but he still loves me. I cannot earn his love, it is already there.

    I believe that is what true love is, a love that looks past the bad, even past the good, and just loves. Does that make sense? It isn't contigent on good or bad, or beautiful or ugly. It just is.

    I hope that is how your husband loves you because it is such an all encompassing love. It is securing and comforting and beautiful. I don't think I would have accepted less from the man I married, and I would not give less.



    PS I can relate to feeling as though you have to earn someones love, just not from Chess.

    PPS As a Christian I believe we are saved by grace through faith. I do not understand the belief of being saved by works. How could anything I do ever be good enough for God who is perfect in everything and in every way?!

  4. Beautifully put - it is hard to express, and "just because" does it. I like what you say about the "earning it" idea coming from the same concept as abuse - when you say:

    "The idea that love is contingent in any way, i think leads to abuse - or comes from the same faulty wiring as the abusiveness in any case."

    Yes. Totally agree. And in the same way, the people we love don't "earn" it or "deserve" it - we love them because we love.



  5. It is so funny how you and I trend toward similar thoughts so very often.
    I was sitting in Church on Sunday thinking how similar the call to serve God is to the call to serve my husband. The Bible and the D/s community use much of the same terminology.

    "I am this way just because and he loves me just because." Simple, Elegant, beautiful. A wonderful picture of true love.

    My word verification is "bitte" which is the German word for please. How odd.

  6. I struggle with the why of my desire to do this. To pursue this. I have actually been thinking lately, "What if it is simply about service." My desire to serve someone and that person's reciprocating want to serve the things I need.

    I like the thought that this is what it is -- just because.

  7. K and Serenity,
    Thank you. I'm not sure it's an explanation or just a realization that i can't explain.

    I think it really is the only way love can work, with anyone really. Maybe the impulse to do thigns for those we love comes from the same place as our desire to do good works - not to earn God's love but because that's what it inspires in us.

    Thank you. It is horrible to try to imagine living in any relationship where love or caring depended on our continued earning of them.

    There are so many crossovers aren't there? I think that's why it makes me uneasy - some of the parallels make sense - others seem to me like confusing things that shouldn't be interchangeable. Thank you. And - I come from a strongly German town - because in German "bitte" means please - but also is what you say when you don't hear or understand someone (instead of "excuse me") - still today people say please when they misunderstand something.

    poured out,
    thank you. i think lots of us must wonder why - and i dont think there really is a nice neat package answer.

  8. I think the just because is that is who you are. And how satisfying that you have a loving relationship in which you can be who you are.


  9. FD,
    i am very fortunate indeed. Thank you.

  10. :) Exactly what I believe, greengirl!

  11. Not at all religious (atheist) but do understand the whole higher power thing because often mouse views Omega/Daddy as her higher power.

    The truth is that being submissive is often as confusing as being a masochist. It seems a lot of people confuse submission to another as being a doormat, but the context they don't understand is the love you feel and receive from doing that.

    Ok...really now mouse needs to stop rambling...
    (the rambling reference has been a running thread on nearly every blog mouse has commented on today)


  12. I think that love works this way - no matter what flavor of religion - or not - one follows. I soooo do not understand the submissiveness - and the masochism even less so. but you are abolutely right - it is love for me.

  13. Amazing post. Just because kind of covers it all, doesn't it? Love, submission & just generally being who we are.

  14. His Girl,
    It does, it leaves me wondering sometimes though - but more wondering in awe.