The question is central in christianity - are we saved by grace or by faith or by our works. In other words, do we earn God's love, or is God's love always there and we accept it or reject it, we live in it and work with it, or we don't.
I actually am a little uneasy with drawing parallels between D/s and religion; but some of the parallels are undeniable, so off i go with my train of thought.
There are times that i catch myself feeling like i have to earn my husband's love and affection. It's not often, and it doesn't come from him, it comes from me. I love him because i do, not because he earns it. Why do i soemtimes have trouble accepting that the other way around?
I believe there are several big ways that D/s differs from abuse and i believe this is one of them. The idea that love is contingent in any way, i think leads to abuse - or comes from the same faulty wiring as the abusiveness in any case.
When i catch myself thinking about earnign his love - it also makes me wonder if that's where this submissiveness comes from. Is that why this desire to serve, to please, to give myself to him? Is it so i feel worthy or that i earned his love for me? Or at least, that i earned the care he takes of me?
I don't understand this submissiveness at all. One side of it is the fact that i need certain things, or at least i function and relate and thrive much better when handled in certain ways. The other side is that i have an undeniable impulse to act certain ways - to do things for him, to please him, to offer myself to him. (I know i've repeated myself - i don't know how else to say it).
Actually - i did deny those impulses for very long time, or just refused to recognize them. And I can still hear the voice in my head telling me that I shouldn't let myself be used, or be taken advantage of, or that I needed to be vigilant to keep things fair or i would end up being walked all over. It wasn't an altogether useful way to live and relate. No matter what i may have said or believed, that kept me at a self imposed distance.
I still don't understand being submissive. I am this way just because and he loves me just because.