Wednesday, April 27, 2011

an evolution of helplessness

Sir J's post about helplessness ties in very directly with a lot of what i've been working on recently.  It's not in my nature to cut myself slack, but i'm doing it this time - i think that it's a process i had to go through, i'm sure i'm not finished and this is not the final word, i hope that i am learning and growing in a useful direction, but i think it is all part of the process. 

For me, helplessness isn't about ordinary things.  I can pretend to be helpless, it's an old game.  I play dumb sometimes too.  Sometiems he thinks it's cute, or maybe he just finds it annoying.  But it's uncommon, and it is just a game, no one is uncertain about that.

But my emotional balance, my mental state, my sense of well being and day to day frame of mind - those are all much, much more complicated. 

Prior to ttwd i certainly wouldn't say i had control of my emotions; at best, i barely learned to mask or hide them as needed.  I carried on in spite of them and maybe make it look like all was well.  But i absolutely didn't share them, and wouldn't consider looking outside myself for help in changing bad feelings, or in maintaining a sense of well being or mental balance.  In fact, i didn't have any way to change my moods or attitude myself either.  I wouldn't have known that was even a possibility. Emotionally, i just went where the wind blew.

One of the first things he pushed for once we agreed to extend D/s into all of our relationship was for me to be open with him about my feelings - really open, like i had never been before.  Also, we discovered early on that attention, spanking, pain, play, etc did help reset me, restore my mental balance, improve my mood, adjust my attitude - whatever you wish to call it.  It is good, it feels good, it is a release and a great reconnection. 

But it isn't always possible, mostly because of timing, and the reluctance on my part to depend on him for that.  A reluctance i fought to overcome. He wants to take care of me, he wants me to rely on him.  That is what he sees as the point and the gain of all this.  And one big area he wanted was for me to accept his help in my mental state.  And i didn't want that to happen.  It has been hard to learn to let that happen.  And now that i am learning it, it feels very good.

Only in the past few weeks am i starting to see that it isn't necesssarily service to him to depend on him for my emotional balance in the way that i had.  Sometimes it is just work for him.  And sometimes he needs me to work for him instead.  Sometimes what he really needs is for me to remain balanced and even joyful, to carry on, to help him remain balanced, to provide a respite. 

I have begun to see that the continued evolution may be my learning to control or balance my own emotions, my own mental well being.  I think this must be a fairly normal progression of ttwd.  Or maybe not, maybe it is just us.  We are certainly still figuring out us. 

There is a nice image in my head of my being able to be pleasant, and pleasing, and bringing him joy rather than strife and angst.  On the other hand, his image has to do with me being completely open, no longer resisting him, turning to him with all of me and relying on him.  Maybe there is a way for these two images to meld.  Maybe there is something more i haven't glimpsed yet.  I wonder if he has?  


  1. From what I've read here, i'm going through a very similar shift in my primary relationship. Our frustration with each other reached a point where we needed to fix or end the relationship.

    We came to the agreement that She no longer needed to worry about fixing or balancing things for me with any regularity. I would take over some of that responsibility in day to day life. In exchange for that relief of responsibility, i asked to be able to keep some of my emotions to myself. I now have permission to say "i'm just going to let it pass, thank You."

    I was very young (21) and needed very much for Ma'am and Mister to take on a lot when we first met. I was emotionally labile and didn't communicate well. Reality is, none of us need for them to work that hard anymore. I need to give myself credit and feel like they are doing the same and they need a break and time to work on themselves again.

    It's rocky and i don't talk about it much on my blog, but reading yours has really helped put things into perspective for me. Thank you for your honesty and openness.


  2. Serenity, thank you for sharing this honest account of your own self-challenges, and for linking to Sir J's blog.

    I hope you don't mind if I link to this in my own blog? I have had similar things on my mind this morning and even before reading Sir J's blog had been asking myself some questions.

    It sounds like you are making healthy progress and simply by recognizing it you are taking responsibility for yourself and not being helpless. I think there is a difference between being helpless and submitting a certain part of yourself - but given how much of this is a work in progress for me still too I reserve the right to change my mind, lol.

    Gentle (hugs)


  3. greengirl,

    Like always I can relate to much of what you write here. I do sometimes act helpless when I'm not, especially if any sort of instruction manual is involved.

    There is much to think about from this post, as well as Sir J's. It is something I will be paying close attention to in the future.


  4. I just love that Klimt picture you have up there, what colours!

  5. i find the two images totally compatiable actually, the more open you are and the more you turn to him the easier it is to be more balanced, pleasant, bring him joy rather than stress etc. The two feed each other (or do in my exp)

  6. mina,
    It sounds like you are finding a good way to change thigns to make it better for all of you. This journey has been good for me in so many ways, I wish you luck on yours.

    I think this is a very complicated topic that is different for each individual. I wish you strength for your road ahead.

    I truly hope this didn't upset you, it is something i've run into specifically in my relationship and in me. I'm mostly trying to learn the difference between acting helpless anmd asking for help - which is what he wants me to do.

    Thank you. He is one of my favorites.

  7. mamcrow,
    you always have such a good sense take on things. That has to be exactly right, somehow i needed to work through it to get to what should be perfectly obvious. Thank you.

  8. greengirl,

    No, I'm not in the least bit upset. The topic has just made me question some mindsets I have had. But then I'm always questioning, nothing new there.:)


  9. gg - me?! make sense?! i am tickled :D glad it helped a bit xx