For a moment last night i caught a glimpse of it and it was beautiful!
Ok - that may be overly melodramatic - but i did see something last night.
Often when he asks me at night what i have to tell him - i freeze up. The millions of thoughts i have during the day, even the ones i chew on and worry over, all poof away, or stay just far enough out of reach that i see them, but can't make them coalesce enough to make him see them. Last night the words just flowed and i heard my thoughts for the first time along with him.
I want to be able to let go of worrying about this dynamic. I want to be able to trust him on the level that means i don't look at it, and watch it, and wonder about it, about whether it's going the way it should, whether it's going too fast or too slow, or even whether it's going at all. I want to be able to worry about him and about me, not about whether he is keeping us going the way i think i want.
More accurately - i want the thoughts about needing to watch over this dynamic to stop occuring to me at all. Right now - they occur, I argue with myself, wrestle them into a corner and force myself to behave as if they don't occur - which only really works to a degree. Doubt, irritibility, silliness, fatigue - all of these creep out anyhow, or crop up because of this internal wrestling match.
I know i can't actually let go of knowing how i feel about things, imagining what i might like, craving this or that at a particular time - but i can envision being able to accept all those thoughts, see what they mean about me maybe, but not using them as a test of our dynamic.
And i dont think its a matter of letting go of all of my feelings and desires and responses, or pretending those thoughts don't exist. I think it's a matter of being able to tell him that this is what i feel or think or imagine - purely in letting him know - not with a view to nudging him one way or another, not strategically to keep things flowing when i think they might be stalling, but just because its something i want to share with him.
I've come to this realization before. That keeps happening: the same concepts keeps coming up, but on a different level or in a different way. That was the glimpse i got. I knew, still know, that there is a lot of control left to give over. I'm not upset with myself about it and i don't wish he had just taken that control. It's not the kind he can take or force or even ask me to give because it is way down deep in my mind. I think we both know it's there but had no idea what it looked like or how to get at it.
My outward appearance, my behavior, is what it is - but we both know that is forced at times and in some areas. That's ok. It's like that grade school question about sin: if i think it but don't act on it, is it a sin? What we actually do - in spite of our thoughts and impulses - is what matters. But i think as we get older we realize that we ought to mature in our thoughts and desires too. Why do we have those not nice thoughts? How can we get around to a way of being so that our first thoughts are better?
In this case, my first thoughts and impulses aren't what i see they necessarily can be, what i think i want them to be. But i need to get around to a way of being that the place they come from sends up the right kind in the first place. And that's what i caught a glimpse of last night. I saw what it would feel like to have the right kinds of impulses, that I'm not just surpressing the desire for control in this area, that it just isn't occuring to me at all.
Actually, melodramatic or not, it was beautiful. While i was listening to myself describe this to my husband, i could feel the relief of it, and the joy. Maybe now that i can see it, i can start getting at it.