Monday, April 25, 2011

listening

The past few weeks have been wearisome.  I've tried again and again to write out my thoughts and what i've learned and how i got stuck; after all, that's what this blog was supposed to be for.  Often, writing it out does help me see things more clearly.  

This time though, i'm finding that i don't want to dwell here anymore.  I've had my mistakes pointed out, much to my chagrin and my shame.  I've talked it out.  And i'm fed up with myself for winding up right back in the same spot i've been in before.  I should be able to learn and move on. 

So i'm shamelessly stealing Xantu's technique here, with a twist.  A few bullet points of  things i would be well served to remember:
  • if i say i want this - i need to mean i want to follow him, his way, not mine - that is the underlying assumption of which i seem to keep losing sight
  • the fact that he wants and needs this dynamic in his way, not mine - does not mean he doesn't want or need it; quite the opposite, it means he gets it (and i've missed it - see above)
  • he doesn't need to use the words or gestures i think he should - i should pay attention to what he does say and do
  • that if what he needs is time, space, rest, patience, peace... then that is what i should try to provide
  • stopping me, holding me, kissing me, making me kiss him also - are perfectly good ways to say "I love you"
  • "I will" instead of "I want" is an incredibly useful paradigm shift (Thank you Sir J)
  • a crop, a flogger, and several canes are very good at changing a girl's mindset, re-focusing her on what she should, and resetting a wonderful feeling of connection
  • as effective and wonderful as those are - that girl needs to work to be the person he wants, and the person she wants to be for him, under her own steam;  that is what he really wants
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7 comments:

  1. JMDeeApril 25, 2011 at 9:38 AM

    It sounds like you're feeling overwhelmed.

    It also sounds like you ARE learning. Learning is not a linear process, I think.

    This has given me an idea for a post-- so stay tuned. :)

    I love reading your posts because I can relate so well-- they help me work out my own thoughts.

    Thanks for that.

    Best,

    JMD

    ReplyDelete
  2. AliceApril 25, 2011 at 10:59 AM

    I go through this cycle too. I focus on what I want this to look like, forgetting that it's not me who decides. Then I remember it, accept it, live it, forget it, and the whole thing starts all over again. Hmmmm... post in my head...

    Hugs

    Alice

    ReplyDelete
  3. little monkeyApril 25, 2011 at 1:06 PM

    Once again, your post is eerily familiar. For a few weeks now I've been in that same place, trying to get it down on paper, or even just get it formulated in my head, what I wanted or wanted to say. It eluded me. Your bullet points are helpful. I need to remember all those things as well.
    I wish I had something constuctive to say, but all I have to offer rihgt now is solidarity, and some internet hugs.

    K.

    ReplyDelete
  4. turiyaApril 25, 2011 at 2:15 PM

    I'm with Alice and Monkey... very reminiscent...

    *hugs*

    turiya

    WV dagicing *giggles*

    ReplyDelete
  5. SerenityApril 25, 2011 at 3:33 PM

    greengirl,

    That's a very good list. I keep loosing sight of your first very important point as well.

    *Hugs*
    serenity

    ReplyDelete
  6. AnonymousApril 25, 2011 at 9:13 PM

    And I only have hugs to offer. Don't be too hard on yourself if you can help it. I think all your effort and growth count for a lot.

    aisha

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  7. greengirlApril 26, 2011 at 6:31 AM

    JMD,
    Thank you - I am feeling much better now. I agree - learning is not at all linear. I still hate screwing up the same way twice. But i think it will be easier to avoid this one now.

    Alice,
    I guess many people do to some extent. I look forward to it.

    Monkey,
    the support is welcome - thank you

    turiya,
    thanks

    Serenity,
    i wonder if it will ever become second nature?

    Aisha,
    Thank you. I'm truly feeling better.

    ReplyDelete

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