ashamed

Sometimes writing things down helps me figure them out.  Sometimes i feel like i only start to get a handle on them that way - just start to make sense of it.  Sometimes (too often to be honest) my ideas are way too complicated and the writing makes it moreso.  Complicated isn't inherently bad - but someties it's wrong.

Sometimes someone has to point out to me the simple truth - and that happened yesterday

In my mind, my issues with neglecting to do the things i need to do to take care of myself when my husband is out of town must be deep and complex and perhaps unfixable.   In my mind, it was related to punishments and discipline, and the fact that he doesn't work that way, and maybe he should, and i need to feel more control when he's gone, and he doesn't check up on me every day, and he must need to change how he does things, and i know he's disappointed by it, but that's not really enough to motivate me, i want him to do things his way - to be in charge - but i want him to force me to do what he wants, he wants me to do what he asks without his needing to force me, i should do what he wants, and, and, and....

 And............. and it really is very simple.

Disappointed should be everything. 

I made it all about me and my wants

I've been very disrespectful

It's easy - do or don't do