my collar

I have a necklace my husband gave me a little over a year ago, to mark a very significant occasion in my life.  I rarely wear jewlery, particularly necklaces.  He asked me to wear this one, "most of the time (except when it might get lost - certain sports, etc"  And i do.  I wear it almost all the time.

It is a pretty necklace, very nice, it goes with everything, but is completely normal looking, nothing unique - no one would guess.

But i should back up - he doesn't call it a collar - not ever, in jest or in earnest.  Neither do i, out loud.  In my mind though it has a special meaning.  He doesn't call it that, but the few times i have felt like giving up entirely on ttwd, i took it off and he noticed and ordered me to put it back on. 

I truly don't know how he views it: symbolically, or the idea of collaring - either one.  He may know of the idea of a collar, and indulge me in allowing me to view this necklace in that context even though he doesn't see it that way.  He may see it as a symbol of the changes in our relationship.  He may prefer it not have this meaning attached to it at all.  Or he may think it is just silly and think i am silly for thinking about any of this. 

We each remove our wedding ring as needed to avoid loss, damage, whatever - it doesn't make us less married.  I don't believe he sees me as "his" when i wear this necklace and not when i don't -  our relationship is what it is all the time - even if the manifestation of that needs to change with the context or situation.  This dynamic came to be rather slowly for us, not at a discreet point in time, certainly not at the point he gave this necklace to me. 

There is, of course, a mystique around the idea of a collar for me.  I'm pretty sure he doesn't feel that at all.  But for me, it feeds into the idea of being completely and wholly his, something i do want very much.  I am very drawn to the idea of a concrete expression of that.  I recognize of course that it is the state of being and the actual relationship i want, not the outward symbol of it.  A collar is different than a wedding ring in this regard: it is a symbol of course, but the object itself (a real one) is also a means of accomplishing the restraint and control (and maybe humiliation) that is part of the relationship.

There is a lot about ttwd he doesn't see in the usual way, or doesn't think about at all.  There are words he will not use. There has been no formal "training" in what we do, certainly no "training collar".  I do find that when i think of him in certain ways, when i need to remember something he told me, to be able to recall and feel his control when we are not together,  I will idly play with my necklace.  

For me, in my mind, it serves some of the same functions a "real" collar would.  I think he probably knows this on some level.  It is (interesting?, ironic?, contrived?, bassackwards?) that there is an object i view and even rely on as a reminder of him and of his conrol, but which he didn't intend that way and may not even know is playing that role.  I suppose he will know now.