Tuesday, May 3, 2011

I recently completed another trip around the sun.  To celebrate the occasion, my husband (and boys) gave me really, really mundane kitchen implements.  In fact - i got a shiny new pepper grinder, and one hot pad - yup - just one - cuz they thought one of my current set was still serviceable.  There are lots and lots of wonderful things my husband is teaching the boys about being good men; birthday gifts is not one of them. 

The thing is - there is usually a personal gift, just for me, not for public consumption. That gift is always very well thought out and planned, and usually very effective, and very appreciated.  It's just that the world doesn't see it. This occasion was no exception.

My posts lately, for a good bit in fact, have been heavy on introspection and deep thoughts, mistakes made and lessons learned.  Of course, that's because that is what life has mostly been recently: growing, growing pains i guess.  The fantasy of it all, and the fantasies underneath it all, seem to have faded away a great deal.  I guess the honeymoon's over... On to real life and all that...

I think that some of the overall benefits, the day to day effects, the really concrete stuff that makes our relationship and our family life better comes at the expense of the idealism, the fantasy, the imagination.  I'm a pretty sensible girl, i know what is important, and i wouldn't trade the current feeling of closeness and (yes) intimacy that i have with my husband for anything.  But i do miss that dark edge, the flip flop in  my stomach at times, the sudden quickening of breath, the anticipation of being transported. 

For us, the physical things that are peculiar to BDSM, or at least to *our* practice of it, are not used for punishment, or even discipline in a very strict sense.  At one time, they would be used to help restore my sense of balance, or maybe adjust a wayward attitude.  But lately, that has been accomplished more through words and effort.  And I trust him, i don't need to go through daunting physical challenges to learn or to show my trust in him. 

Which has left me wondering what role play might have for us at this point.  Is it something we will just outgrow?  Was my once-upon-a-time intense need for pain a delusion or a passing fancy?  And what about the fantasy, the anticipation, the edge?  Are those also things that get left by the wayside? Are they part of the honeymoon only?   Are they a "less mature" way of expressing ourselves and we should outgrow them?    Because i don't really want to give them up, but i do see that their role is not the same as it had been. 

I've seen people write about not calling the physical interactions of BDSM "play", the arguement being it is real and serious and not pretend or to be taken lightly. I suppose that i have plenty of real and serious in my life already. My committment and submission to my husband is not perfect, but it is not taken lightly and is certainy not pretend. I can't help but think of our physical expression of that as play. It is all the best things that play is, free, expressive, physical, fun, challenging, exhausting, uplifting, revitalizing...

And i think that, at least right here, right now, play is exactly the right role for it:  something to look forward to, a way for us to explore and express ourselves, a way to push each other, a way to realign those subtle shifts of power that get a little off in the day to day, a way to find joy in each other. And the special gift he gave me on this occasion?  It has me (very intentionally i'm sure) swinging between anticipation and fear, between the excitiment of a deep rooted fantasy or maybe unexplored kink of mine and wondering if i'm just nuts.  It has me a little in awe of him and a little on edge.  Thinking about it takes me outside of the day to day and to a place that is just him and me. 


  1. I know that if you wanted to say what the gift was, you would have. But I can't help being horribly curious!
    I kind of think that D/s is like anything else in life that we stick with long enough--that it has cycles and, kind of like those trips around the sun (Happy birthday!), the seasons change as we go along. This summer can't be exactly the same as the last, but it is still summer.
    Not sure I'm making any sense, I haven't finished my coffee yet...

  2. GG,

    Absolutely! BDSM play is super intimate and an exciting way to explore your deepest feelings. To be driven to the point of tears and have those tears accepted. Wow. It's huge.

    Which is exactly why mouse struggled with that side of Daddy and mouse's dynamic ending.


  3. You know what they say about the weather where I am... if you don't like it just wait five minutes. That's kind of how I feel about the cycles I go round on with my interest in this stuff. Where ever I am it's bound to change. Doesn't stop us from thinking about it though, does it?
    I like what you said about play, makes sense.

  4. greengirl,

    It took me a minute to figure out the "trip around the sun." lol. I've never heard it called that before. Happy Birthday and I hope you have a blast playing with your special present, not the pepper grinder.

    I often get kitchen utensils for gifts as well. Believe it or not I actually really love getting them, I'm strange that way.

    Your last sentence sums up beautifully one of the most important aspects of TTWD.


  5. Well, as you know, I'm all about the play, myself.
    And I get just as irritated by the people who think D/s has to be oppressively heavy-handed in order to be real as they do by me.
    Although -- I also I feel sorry for them.
    To be light-hearted about something doesn't mean that you take it lightly, rather, but rather that the thing brings you joy and happiness.
    Satisfaction without those seems fairly pointless.

  6. lil,
    It isn't a matter of not wanting to say - it's more a matter of having a tough time saying it. It just sounds weird to me to say it out loud (so to speak). On the other hand, we're fairly tame i guess, so this would likely be pretty uneventful for most people. In any case, I was able to write about it in the hypothetical once:

    I do wonder if it is something we are meant to outgrow, to evolve past - that makes me a little sad, but i suppose that if/when it is meant to happen - we will know because the thought won't make us sad. Thanks.

    I've heard that before. I suppose that i really ought to get used the cycles thing, it's not going to change, unless i go through a phase of not going through phases.... But - this was the whistful nonsense that was on my mind the past few days.

    I'm an unashamed dork - hence the solar/year reference. Thank you. I actually really enjoy cooking too - and kitchen gifts are welcome. In fact though - what i didn't explain is that i am about the least romantic, least sentimental, least concerned with getting gifts, woman you will ever meet. My kids are doomed, but it is actually good between my husband and me. At this point i'm not sure the pepper grinder might not be preferred as a toy - my mind keeps going in loops on how i feel about the other.

    I agree. i do believe that everyone has thier own circumstances, physiology, psychology, needs, wants, etc... AS you say, I have to imagine that there are more than a few people who view my stance as juvenile, or silly, and maybe it is, but it is good for us.

  7. Happy Birthday gg! I think play is the perfect name for it. And it will only be left at the wayside if the two of you decide that is where it belongs. Like everything else in live, it will cycle back around. I bet your new cycle begins as soon as you get the first taste of your new toy (what ever it is).

  8. lm,
    thank you. i think that allowing myself to think about it has already started a shift in the cycles.