Wednesday, February 29, 2012

that is why it is called submitting and not being enslaved



A few people have commented lately in ways that make me think i'm fixated (again, still) on defining ourselves - i hadn't felt i was - but there must be something coming through, must be something more to it.  So i spent time thinking about it, and talking about it, especially with my husband, but also in a different way with a friend.

I realized two things, well three actually.  The third thing is that we aren't going to fit anywhere neatly and i will continue to stumble with how to talk about us, with him and to the world, starting with the rest of this post.  But that's not new, not the focus, and isn't really even important.  The other two things i was able to start to see i think are important.  They have to do with what lies behind the terms, the ideas not the labels.

First, i realized that there is something about the idea of 'slave' that speaks to me, intrigues me, appeals to me deeply.  When my stress increases, it becomes an almost overwhelming desire.  I want it - i want the control, i want stricter and harder and more difficult, i want cages and harsh use and humiliation, i want to be stripped down and brought low, etc etc etc...

 But i also realize that is fantasy, it's escapism, a desire to trade the real work and stress and responsibility of my life for no responsibility - just follow and do.  Yes - i know real life doesn't work this way - no mater what the dynamic - it is indeed fantasy.  I think probably the fact that my mind and my heart wander that direction says something about me, but i don't think it says i should or could be 'slave.'

I think i really am sub.  There is that definition that gets tossed around - a slave consents once then never again can say no - vs. a sub who makes each decision as it comes - decides each time to submit - can say no any time...  That feels insulting to me.  I really can't say no.  I've consented to anything and everything, any time, all the time, no time out's or take-backs or exceptions.  

But what i've really consented to - because all i am able to do - is to try. Yoda aside, the reality of being human is that i can try to do and be as he wants - i may often succeed, i will sometimes not - that's not the same as saying no i won't even try - or worse yet - saying i will, then not keeping my word.

It's work - it is in fact deciding to submit each and every time.  It is sometimes so simple as to not seem like a decision.  Sometimes however it is very hard, it is work, sometimes i fail.  And maybe that's where the appeal of the fantasy of slave comes in - it's back to the idea of not work, not responsibility, no decision to make... Again - i know life doesn't actually go that way, everyone has to try and work and succeed or fail at each point - this is part of why the damn definitions are so unhelpful.  


My friend gave me a slightly different way of looking at it though: that is why it is called submitting and not being enslaved.  And it is, it is submitting each time, which is what i have promised my husband i would do.

There is nothing new here - no grand revelation, no paradigm shift probably -except for me to have it laid out in a way that lets me look at myself more clearly.  




18 comments:

  1. I think that sometimes the revelations come from seeing things clearly. Maye not in the moment, but the clarity can help lead us to where we need to be.
    I had never really thought about it as making the choice to submit each time. That's an interesting concept that I'm going to have to muse about over coffee.
    And I have been thinking about definitions a lot lately myself...Sometimes I think they merely add to my confusion lol.

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    1. I think - or at least hope - that this is helping me move past some things and get unstuck. We'll see. I found it hard to really identify what i think with this one, even though i was pretty sure i felt strongly about it.

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  2. I really like this post. We have been talking and thinking about this very thing here lately. This post gave me a lot of things to think about. There are certain things that I cannot say "no" too. Also there are certain things we talk about before decisions are made. I am a sub, but I also feel that strong urge to make that jump to slave. I actually just told Him the other day that I wished I could just be at home waiting for Him to tell me my every move, but I was having a really bad day at work. After retrospect I realized it was my escape. I definitely empathize with your feelings. Thank you so much for this post.

    baby

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    1. Thank you. There is an appeal to what looks so freeing and simple. I think most people know it's only the illusion and that real life holds the real joy in the end.

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  3. I think there are times when we all have the slave fantasy.....I bet slaves have the sub fantasy too, LOL. Sometimes just not being able to say no enough....sometimes we want more.

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    1. I do think that my mind wanders and that more of what we do have would be just the thing. Thanks.

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  4. "But what i've really consented to - because all i am able to do - is to try"

    To me that sums it up perfectly. No it doesn't fit a nice neat category. Perhaps you could make up a new one. Sometimes I like to think of it as simply as I am "His." Some days that is "his" submissive, but others days it's "his" wild and crazy woman.

    Great post!

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    1. I like that - His - and it does cover it all doesn't it. Thanks.

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  5. Hello there! Just ran across your blog. I happen to have some insight! I have a friend who is a slave. He's owned by his Master/Husband. I follow his blog, it's pretty hard core, but what drew me in was how hard he works. Like me, my husband's submissive, he is constantly trying to better himself in order to serve his Master. I anonymously asked him a question on his blog (this is before we became friends)and the question was: What is the difference between a slave and 24/7 live-in submissive? He kid of jumped down my throat about that (I have since come clean and he felt so bad). He said, why bother trying to define it. He feels owned by his Master, a cherished pet, but they are still husbands, they laugh, cry. My friend is highly intelligent and his Master adores that about him. So, when you peek into their lives, it looks just like my life. I have given up the right to say no. Do I have hard limits, sure as does my friend. I cannot even remember the last time I said no was actually. I hope that helps a little.

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    1. welcome. I think that's part of it - the titles don't tell the story - it's the setup of each individual arrangement. I needed to think about what i think about the ideas behind them. Thank you - it does help.

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  6. Very insightful.

    I have always thought that no matter the term you use, there are limits to some degree, but that you make a choice to transcend them. The reality is that we are all human after all and we live in a time and place that does not allow slavery. It is still a choice.

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    1. thank you - i absolutely believe there are limits - some of which will fade away - others are so far away that they don't even bear considering.

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  7. GG,

    This is why I have always hated the fact that the vast majority of people whine about not wanting lables, as if lables are evil somehow. It's pretty damned hard to communicate, receive guidance or new ideas, or come to a clearer understanding about anything, including one's self, without definitions of terms. And definitions are basically lables.

    Eewwww, bad. Or so I hear it claimed.

    You're right, it's about living it. I've never heard your definitions of those terms before, and I'm not sure I agree with them. But, since it's a mortal sin in the lifestyle to set definitions in solid terms anyway, it really doesn't matter. I'm wondering though, do you feel you are not being whatever it is well enough, or deeply enough, or something? Are you uncomfortable with the idea that you follow where you are led? Do you feel if you could sleep naked and chained in a cage every night that it would somehow change your mental or emotional dynamic? What is it you are really trying to see in yourself I wonder?

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    1. In this case - i really don't know what labels fit or don't fit, and i actually don't have my own definitions for the terms i used. I've see that particular definition many many places recently and it just didn't make sense to me - too much space in between where i believe most people actually fit. My husband and i (mostly) understand each other - and we adapt as we each grow adn change - but there's no word that fits that - it's too long to explain every time.

      I am not uncomfortable with the idea of following - as to the rest - i think that's part of what i've been pondering lately - i just don't really know.

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  8. Okay, feeling a bit like spam here, sorry lol.
    But I have been thinking about this post a lot. I don't suppose there's a forthcoming post about the differences between submission and being enslaved? *Bats eyelashes and offers virtual coffee.

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    1. lil,
      not spamish at all - i have been thinking about this - clearly - and i will write about it - although i find real coffee so much more effective. I have a feeling that the direction of my thoughts aren't necessarily going to be helpful, applicable, enlightening - to anyone but me - but maybe it will help me pull my head all the way out of my @$$ and move on.

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  9. gg,

    Omega and mouse's dynamic has shifted to the point to where slavery, let alone submission was nearly non-existent. Now, we decided that mouse needs to remember her purpose...that for now, it's not just mommy-milk-maker...

    We changed the rituals, each day mouse will reaffirm her slavery to Omega. During the day, he asked that she perform 5 acts that are just for him alone. He said they don't need to be difficult or complex....it can just be simple things...now mouse really really likes that notion...

    It helps to level mouse's thinking and to give her balance....not sure if it would help you....just thought it was worth mentioning.

    Hugs,
    mouse

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    1. mouse,
      i think maybe you've just cleared up a big missing piece in my thinking - so thank you, thank you. I do like the thought of doing things each day that are just for him alone. It's concrete and mental both.

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