Tuesday, March 20, 2012

stop digging

I looked over my past 6 or 7 or 8 posts - and cringed.  I think I've been cringing internally for a few weeks now, maybe longer.  How's that saying go - "if you're stuck at the bottom of a hole - stop digging."  But i couldn't stop.  Things have been so off.

I've been in a self perpetuating loop of doubt and want and insecurity.  And i've been convinced the only way to make it stop was to figure it all out.  I could see myself wanting to stop, wanting to just let go and be, but instead i kept digging and kept trying to reason it out.  And the more energy i spent thinking about everything - the more i also saw myself focus on me.

The feeling became more and more overwhelming, the feeling that i was being self centered and greedy - in a not so good way.  It's a really icky feeling.  And of course - i thought he should be doing *something* to help fix it.

He isn't going to dig around in my head - he just isn't.  He knows when i'm completely preoccupied and absorbed and when i'm more relaxed, more at peace with things.  He will ask me what's wrong, he will expect me to try to explain, to see if he can help, and he will reassure me. He will do physical things to help counter stress.  But he won't get inside and manipulate my mind.

And - DUH - how could he.

Yesterday, we had some alone time.  He moved through a lovely hand spanking, with his other hand tweaking and teasing, making me reach for more. Then on to a long time with the crop, increasing slowly but inexorable in intensity.  Then he started with the flogger.  I used to love the flogger, but recently i haven't been able to take it.  Recently i break down and I fight it every inch of the way.  The anger and the tears are cathartic, but not the same.

This time something made me think, "This is what he wants."  And i found myself saying that over and over - what he wants, what he wants....  Each time the flogger landed, hard, or stinging, on my back or my ass, over and over - what he wants.

And it felt so beautiful, and it went on and on, and it felt like things got righter and righter with each blow.  And it has carried over, i think i may be able to keep that - what he wants.

(ok - so this makes me cringe a little - kinda sappy and melodramatic for me - but it sure beats the icky feeling i had before)


23 comments:

  1. Been there! Oh, who am I kidding? Am there. I was being all kinds of grouchy about him not making this work for me lately and finally last week, I realized, wait, I am not exactly participating here. I find the more I put into stuff, the more I get out of it and it sounds like you had one of those moments too. :)

    Kitty

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    1. i did indeed - i just wish i could learn once and for all - doesn't seem to work that way though.

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  2. and just like that it is spring, everything new again, bright sunny, coming a live and the cycle continues.

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  3. Well, I think it's sweet not melodramatic lol.
    It sounds like spring is ushering in better days. Maybe it's a good thing your mind took off early on vacation!

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    1. hmm - i don't usually do sweet - so it feels odd. And yea - i think i'm better off without the mind sometimes - thanks.

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  4. Glad to hear you sounding this way....sometime when we least expect we can take more than we think and it puts our minds in the right place.

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    1. thank you - it was the shift in focus that was important for me - is making all the difference

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  5. Glad to read you're reaching a calmer place :)

    Dee x

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    1. thank you - i'm glad too - and i'm sure so is my husband

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  6. So, I completely considered singing the theme song from "Annie" here for you -- but as you're my friend, I decided not to...
    :-D
    Glad you rounded the corner, chica!

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    1. hey - i can't hear you - so sing away! thanks though

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  7. Sounds like a good place to be. Nice work.

    Sappy and melodramatic? Not. IMO.

    aisha

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    1. thank you - it felt less like work and more like banging my head on a wall for weeks - then the wall just disappearing - funny how that works...

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  8. Good for you, greengirl! You seem to have gotten to a happier place. Hope the carryover lasts!

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    1. thank you - yea - fun in bed is one thing - the carryover will be the truly important piece.

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  9. The darkness always makes us appreciate the light.

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    1. that's a good point to remember - thank you.

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  10. I didn't find it icky or melodramtic...but open and telling and compelling...it's all a journey, and you're back on the 'right road'... *smiling*

    Happy trails to you...

    nilla

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    1. nilla,
      thank you. i'm going to try to stay on this road awhile.

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  11. Must be the time of the year...

    Hugs,
    mouse

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    Replies
    1. It is too easy to wander off another direction isn't it - why is that? Especially when the path is so clearly marked?

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