Saturday, April 7, 2012

D/s and love - for me

I've been reluctant to write this post - but the feelings and the conclusions have become increasingly important for me...

I know that other people have needed to make different choices, are in different situations than I am.  There are appropriate places in the world for judging and disapproving of other's decisions - this realm isn't one of them for me.  Nuff said.

I love my husband and i know deeply that he loves me.  The issues we had in our marriage had more to do with me than him.  They had to do with me and my lack of wanting sex, and all the ramifications to the rest of our lives from my rejections and lack of intimacy between us. You know what?  D/s fixed that.  I'm sure there's more too it - if i wanted to dig.  But let's call it a style issue - vanilla was not my style.  It just didn't work.

The intimacy and the connection and, let's be honest - the giving over of power - is lovely: it's heady, and arousing, and centering, and thrilling, and insanely addictive.  And the lines that separated sex from the rest of our relationship have been obliterated.  Maybe they never really existed.   It's all part of the same thing.

I think love - we have figured out.  We don't always have our mutual expressions of it perfected, and God know's we misunderstand each other often enough.  But we know, we KNOW that the love is there underneath everything else.  That's huge when it comes to facing the inevitable (or even the selfish but avoidable) issues.  We can let go and feel the hurt and the despair and the anger and whatever other ugly feelings because we know that our foundation is safe and solid.

We didn't fall in love at first sight, lust maybe and infatuation, but not love.  Certainly it took time for the love to solidify and grow.  And we had to and are still learning the mechanics of having our relationship; what adds to the love, what challenges it, how to build each other up, how not to sabotage each other....

I'm not sure how to say d/s fits into all this.  Is it like love?  Is it really something that can grow to be so assumed and ingrained that i could let go and rebel and doubt and kick at it, precisely because i know it is solid enough to withstand my attack?  I don't trust it that much right now - which is really to say - I don't trust him that much.  And that's a problem.

I flip flop.  Sometimes I think that D/s is something we overlaid onto our marriage, something substantial, but still not innate to our relationship.  Something almost pretend - like first moving in together feels a little like "playing house," like life with the first baby feels unreal and alien, like if it doesn't work, we could just take it off and go on without it.

Other times i see that the essence was always part of us - just not expressed because we didn't understand.
We had to learn how to live together - we weren't just playing house.  We had to learn to be parents because the baby was real, was ours, and was staying.  We haven't perfected the realities of D/s either.

I imagine this whole post has not much meaning for anyone else.  But for me - i need to stop flip flopping.  I need to stop seeing it as something i can step out of.  We are long past thinking we are playing house and the kids are closer to moving out than just arrived.   If i can't take it off or quit playing - then i need to figure out how to really make it work.

16 comments:

  1. Sometimes I read here and feel like I'm reading myself from a different angle.
    And D/s fixed that same lack of intimacy for us too.

    I got something from your post. I hope writing it helped in some way.

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    Replies
    1. lil,
      Thank you - things are getting better, and I'm hopeful it will stick and move forward. I hope that can happen for you too.

      Delete
  2. Just smiling...so much of what you said rang so true...Yes, it's something we can't just decide to go without...

    We have to continue to grow together.

    Hugs,
    mouse

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    Replies
    1. mouse,
      I think I've finally accepted that. i can be slow....

      Delete
  3. Not exactly my purview, but...
    I think one of the things you learn after being a parent for a while is that you can't make the child be anyone other than who he is.

    I see D/s in much the same way.
    You have preconceived ideas of what it will be - that don't always hold true.
    But you end up loving it for what it is, anyhow.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Jz,
      Pretty damn smart woman you are - purview or not. Thanks.

      Delete
  4. For me love is difficult, because you don't really get to choose it. Like, you get to choose, D/s, you get to choose. Love happens and sometimes it doesn't.

    But when it does happen, you can nurture it and you can work hard to keep it from dying. Sadly, you can't always stop it from dying, because another person is there, who may be compelled to take a different path. So, you have to trust them.

    And that is how D/s is like love for me - ultimate trust. And by bringing that trust to the forefront of the relationship through D/s, our love has been strengthened.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Kitty,
      Absolutely - all of what you said. D/s has strengthened our love, through trust - although it is the first instance in a very long time that i have had to work to trust him - not for my safety or anything like that, but the stakes are higher, the hurt easier and deeper, so the option to walk away from that level of connection felt too easy and appealing.

      Delete
  5. "Sometimes I think that D/s is something we overlaid onto our marriage, something substantial, but still not innate to our relationship."

    I really relate to this sentence. It's hard to exactly understand how TTWD fits. I wonder all the time is it a form of affection, communication, sexual expression, and it's all of these things and more. I'm a visual person and need a chart.

    Perhaps you've not been flip flopping as much as trying and experimenting to find the right fit. Questioning all the aspects and making sure they fit correctly into an entire family dynamic shows a huge level of commitment, I think anyway.

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    Replies
    1. Serenity,
      Thank you, that's a positive way to look at it. I think i need to see it as a given that i need to make to work - i think i need to be finished trying it on.

      Delete
  6. I don't think you can ever take it off and go on without it. It floats your boat. You need it and crave it. Just enjoy it. It obviously has added so much to your relationship.

    FD

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    Replies
    1. FD,
      You are correct - I just seem to forget sometimes.

      Delete
  7. Given the fact that you said D/s basically saved your marriage and your sex life, why would you want to turn it off and on?!?! That's kind of a rhetorical question, btw. I'm not one that can turn it off and on. It's either a part of our relationship or it's not. I think you know that you need this and there is no turning it off. Yet, sometimes we question it and have to let it all spill out to be able to see it.

    DV

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    Replies
    1. DV,
      Sir, that's a deeper question that maybe you intended. My fear from the beginning was that i would be introducing something into our marriage that would damage it. I could see from the beginning that it would leave a lot of hurt if we tried, and it didn't work. Leaving the option to walk away from the D/s and go back to "just married" was something i needed to believe in order to proceed: I couldn't risk the whole thing, i needed to believe i had an out. I see now that i don't have that out, but i also feel more secure in both the D/s and in our relationship - they are less separate entities.

      Delete
  8. I am so very new to D/s, but your post sang to me, made me feel there are others just like me out there. So far D/s. has saved my marriages intimacy too. I know we have a long. Journey ahead, but I'm looking forward tro it with all of its ups and downs

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  9. Anon,
    I'm glad it spoke to you - I was encouraged the same way by so many other blogs. I hope it is a grand adventure for you.

    ReplyDelete