Tuesday, September 4, 2012

back on my heels

This is the right phrase - but it has nothing to do with shoes. (Things rarely do for me - i missed many of the essential girl genes.)

I mean that, at a time when i should feel on my toes, i feel caught out flat footed or back on my heels.

Part of  this is my professional life.  I had a fleeting moment where i felt like i might be juggling everything pretty well, only to look again and realize that what I was achieving wasn't really very impressive and - well - that's work and not the part of my life i bring here really.


I sometimes feel it isn't my place or is somehow wrong to try to figure out my husband.  There is the sense that watching him or trying to understand what he does or how he acts or what he means by what he says is the same as questioning him, that it is too unsubmissive.

Realistically - of course i watch him.  I listen.  I gauge his moods and try to accommodate, follow suit, maybe even anticipate.

And really - he's about as wildly fluctuating as a mountain range.  There is depth and breadth,  new scenery unfolds.  But he doesn't change suddenly. I have a fair idea of how he will view my behaviors and of his likely responses, as well as a fair idea of what he will like and find pleasing.  I typically know what to expect.

So - with all that rock solid, unmovableness - even small changes are huge and really shocking to the system.  And that's what has me back on my heels.

He's been different recently.

I had gotten quite used to having a decent amount of control.  We've been, for a good while now, riding along smoothly with a really nice connection and a warm glow between us (yes - insert a big *aaawww* here.)  It had been very nice - and very easy for me.

And now - it's not hard, but day to day is somehow different.  He has, in a lot of small ways, upped the game, tightened expectations, pushed here and there.  There are some hard edges where there had been all warm fuzzies. I know - poor me.  

There is a sharper edge to his ownership of my body too.  There is a level of need and intensity, an un-masked glee in my pain, the pain pushes to places i am not so easily sure i can go, he is a more distant persona with me in this than previously.

And none of this is poor me - but it is change.  And it's hard to catch up from back on my heels.


21 comments:

  1. Change is never easy but is vital to evolve and continue growing.
    Do some calf stretches (it'll give you more spring from your heels)

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    1. Ha - that's a great idea. And you're right - i don't typically fight change- it just struck me how much it struck me this time. thank you.

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  2. "the pain pushes to places i am not so easily sure i can go, he is a more distant persona with me in this than previously."

    Maybe the reason you aren't sure you can go there is the distance he's added? I know that would be difficult for me to adapt to.

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    1. He commented about that word - wanted me to know he isn't distant. And he isn't - not in the "pulling back, not there" way. It's more of an aloofness or sternness. He is present and there, just maybe more top and holding me more bottom - if that makes any sense.

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  3. Maybe he was just waiting until he felt you were completely comfortable to up the anty. If I get hot with too much at once I tend to shut down but in phases I can handle it much better.

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    1. I imagine that is part of it - i think too that he has moods and cycles and all also. I like that he can go with it - that he knows he can push me.

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  4. It doesn't seem to matter if it is good change or bad, it does tend to be unsettling for a bit. Everything takes a bit of getting used to.

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    1. It is, but the level that had felt warm and fuzzy just a week ago was once a challenge too. So yes - getting used to for sure.

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  5. Shades of Pushmi-pullyu...
    As one side shifts to gain footing, the other gets pulled a bit off balance for a moment...
    It's disconcerting but you'll be on terra firma again soon!

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  6. I know change is disconcerting, and scrambling to catch up-or stay calm-is difficult. At the same time, that newness-the slight distance, the greater push, the sharper edge-these things add delicious intensity that brings shivers, nerves, and more oomph...... I end up saying-lucky woman.

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    1. You're right of course. Among other things it keeps me focused on him vs. me, and helps keep me in the mindframe that works best for us all around. And yea - the oomph is awfully good too.

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  7. Just because its a good change and a change we might want, doesn't mean we can't react by screaming, freaking out or taking a moment to sit back on our heels and catch up. Its still change and it still affects the usual differently.
    But it might help...maybe...because you have had the warm and fuzzies. So there's nothing to say, in this new change you won't have that warm and fuzzie level again :o)
    It seems like you are communicating well with each other and obviously, that has to be a huge help with a change like this :o)

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    1. I think that i am already accommodating and this is beginning to feel right and good. He has a very effective way of listening and letting me know he's listening without slowing down or altering his course. It helps a great deal. thank you.

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  8. I don't respond brilliantly to change either. It is unsettling isn't it though. I think ttwd ebbs and flows. All going nicely for a while, then the ante is 'upped'. It's like taking off an old pair of comfy slippers and then stepping into new shoes. Takes time for them to feel comfortable.
    Glad to read he's reassured you about the distance thing :)

    Dee x

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    1. I wore new shoes yesterday and have horrible blisters to show for it today. You make a good point - in a few weeks these shoes will be just like any others.

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  9. Reading your post and then looking through the comments it appears that where you started out sort of unsure about this new direction, you're becoming more accustomed to it as days go by. And it sounds as though you may rather like it. Hope so, gg! This reads like progress is being made--not just change, but good change!

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    1. Jake,
      that is exactly what has happened. I think it is all good change, and that's a nice feeling. thank you.

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  10. First my comment don't get published here but somewhere else because of my feed reader's new thing then when i try to fix.it here it messes up. Ok 3rd time's the charm?
    I'll copy and paste my original comment then read the other peeps comments.

    I so know what you mean -although i'd happily take that change for you! Sir has done the same, but i think more for my sake than his -i'd happily have some more of it! So send it along :-P that glowy fuzziness is good but in too large doses (in comparison to D/s) i get thrown off course. I hope you'll find your balance soon :-)

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    1. i think so too - i do need that push and challenge - even if it does create some anxiety too. thank you.

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  11. Ok so now I've read all the comments and i have to say i agree with Jake :-)

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